Pudenda

   Wow, it's been five years. Holy crap a lot has happened. That's not what this post is about. This issue has been on my mind for a while and I need to get it out or else it might consume me. I have lately been asking a lot of questions of my church friends and family members. They don't necessarily like it but here we are. The question I am faced with is "to fap or not to fap". 

   Now to do a bit of catch up, I hadn't figured out accepting my own body until around september of 2019. I didn't figure out completion (a word I'm using as an attempt to be gentle) until around january 2020. This is all very new and sudden to me and confusing. I once asked my friend, "how does one masturbate in the name of the Lord?". That got a loud HA out of her and no real answer or direction. What really has me reeling is the ethical way to go about masturbation and what to have on the mind. 

   Most humans just watch some porn and ride off into that good night having watched some poorly made ten minute video with actors who aren't too pleased to be there. Don't wanna go down that route, has too many hang ups and addictive issues attached. Then there is the issue of thinking of someone else, like a person I know or a celebrity that I have an unhealthy attachment to.

   For some reason in the middle of the night a thought came to me. Is fantasizing about another person a form of molestation or rape even if they never find out about it? I mean, people get molested in their sleep and never know about it but it doesn't make it okay. Is it disrespectful or unethical to involve someone in your fantasies without their consent? 

   Then we are faced with another issue. What are the adolescents, single people, and widowers supposed to do? Is there a way to go about this expression of sexual energy, which is natural because God made us all as sexual beings, that doesn't involve unethical methods? I get it. Humans, we suck, we do what we know we shouldn't do and what we should do we don't do. Things done in secret are often kept there and unspoken. Since several thousand years of doing that doesn't seem to be working, how about we talk about it?

   The word pudenda means be ashamed. This is what has been taught about our sexual organs for so long. We don't talk about masturbation, we don't talk about premarital sex unless we are trying to get people not to do it, we don't talk about adolescents being naturally sexual beings who need to know what to do with their feelings, we don't talk about where marriage fits in today's world as careers and freedom has become more important than building a family.

   I'm going to be an art therapist in a year and a half and I can't keep going down unhealthy paths, it doesn't work for me anymore. I need to move down paths that support my mental health or I will be on suicidal trip number four (no one enjoyed the first three). So, talk to me. Talk to me about these things that we have convinced ourselves not to talk about. Be brave and ask questions. Most of us are still in quarantine, what else do you have going on?

Song: Siren by Joan Shelley

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbhQGAzxDnc

   Also, I wanna say that I’m sorry to anyone who was made uncomfortable by this blog, but not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away. Feel free to send me a message and we can talk about how well avoidance is working.

  

Blood and Mistletoe

Being here in England I've learned a few things about myself. 

I've learned that I really like the Druids and would love to learn more about them. The trip to Stonehenge was magical and I can't wait to read more about it and the history of the Druids that worshiped there.

I've learned that I'm bad with money, especially when I'm lacking in direction or bills. I spend and spend and get excited and spend some more till there is -5.13 in my bank account and a stack of pennys in my wallet. Then I have the audacity to worry and fret about money when I have no more. Maybe a budgeting class or self control class is in order. 

INFP really describes me. Understanding that has taught me methods on how to interact with children who would usually cause me mental pain to not snap at. I love people and now I think I've figured out how to include children in that mix. Trying to understand where they are coming from instead of snapping at them or getting mad at them has been a game changer for me. I hope this method works still when I get home.

Learning to trust God has been a big part of being here and spending time with him and putting my future in his hands has been such a big relief. My plans have always failed me but when I know God is behind an action I know which way to go. 

I really suck at giving gifts. Especially ones that I don't make. It weighs on my heart the idea that the gift I get the person won't be enough or that they really won't like it and then they will just give me that fake smile. I've got a shelf above me covered in gifts for people at home. I just hope they like them. 

Not a fan of beans with breakfast. Just...not that into it. I know its a common British thing but I'm really not too cool with it. I'll take my iHOP french toast thank you very much. 

A lot has to change for me when I get home. I need to work out more, eat healthier, find more work, do more crafts. No more lazy days. Being here has taught me that I need to be more active, less governed by my emotions, which is difficult being INFP...

Newbold College. I want to finish my bachelors degree. I already have my associates and I really want to finish and open more opportunities for myself. This means money and money and more money. I'm praying about this, would appreciate prayers.

England has been an amazing experience. I have little over a week left here. Everything has been wonderful and I've learned so much, all this and more. I've gained so much intellectually and physically I've put on a few. I would definantly visit England again, next stop: Everywhere else. 

Read A Book

The Tower of London, that wonderful place of history. It makes me want to read history books which aren't really my thing. Unless its like A Song of Ice and Fire, then history gets pretty interesting. Thinking back on what the tour guide was saying about the history of the Tower of London, its not too different from A Song of Ice and Fire. Murder, incest, cheating, treason, etc.; It's all very interesting. Then there is the crown jewels, I wanted them all. Sadly I couldn't have any nor take pictures of them. 

Right, so I'll start from the beginning. After many days of awesomeness and a fun trip to the mall of wonder(which ended in me acquiring a beautiful jean jacket), we traveled into the land of central London. Just Jodi and I spent the night in a wonderful hotel and traveled to the land of Oxford street, Soho, and Covet street. So I figured out that I shop too much when I have money and clothes around me that fit. 

Five pairs of leggings, three shirts, a cardigan, and two skirts later I found the wonder of souvenirs. When I found the souvenirs, I purchased them. When I purchased them I felt like a proper tourist. It twas awesome. 

So we walked about all over the place. Buckingham Palace, Green park, the queen's garden(where she owns all the swans and has vaccinated them accordingly cause she doesn't like them dying), Horse parade, Tower of London, this very amusing bar called 'The Horniman at Hay's', and of course the underground(which I've become heavily fond of). 

Hilarity ensued when I went to feed a squirrel. It was in the queen's garden. The squirrels were walking about and getting food from everyone. Jodi encouraged me to feed the little beast. So I crouched down and tried to hand the little monster some bread. The first tiny rodent was not interested, then there was the second fiend who was very receptive of yum yums. So much so that the brute touched my hand and then gleefully ate what was a yummy pastry. 

There were some very bold swans and some photobombing tourist and a bunch of very strange floating street performers(including death, a floating death). I love everything about this country, it's so lovely and beautiful and full of lovely statues. The only thing I would every change about this country is the pigeons. Its insane, birds in America just know that their place is in the trees or in the sky(occasionally on the roof tops). Birds here don't understand this simple process of staying where your wings allow you to stay. They walk right up to you and fly all around your face and just all in all get in the way like a butt.

Whatevs, enough about those savages with wings. Although I wouldn't choose to live in this very expensive country, I do adore it. I hope that I can come back one day. Still got about a month of awesomeness before I hop back across the pond to the land of huge portion sizes(I already know what I'm gonna order from taco bell). Next, I go see Stone Henge. Hopefully sometime this week or the next. Also, more trips to London, there are two museums that I want to see. I'm hungry, I want some cookies. These oatmeal raisin cookies are no joke.

 

  

Where I'm From

Growing up I had times of instability. Times when I was uncertain of where food would come from. There were times when we would have our electricity turned off and would have no heat during winter. There were times when we would have only cold water and would have to heat it on the gas stove to take baths. We laugh about it now but the sight of me and my sister cooking marshmallows over a candle in the dark was a very real thing in my childhood. 

In the end, like now in life, we were always so very well taken care of. God would step in in one way or another. People who we had never met before would bring us food. Strangers would give us money that would be exactly what we needed. Loved ones would come in at the right time and take care of us with love and grace. 

Somehow its easy to forget these moments of love and the times when God steps in and takes care of us. Because of my childhood, the fear of instability is crippling for me. Not having a safety net of finances scares me and brings on anxiety which brings on depression which leaves me lacking faith and cursing at God. In the end, He always takes care of me. Very real answers to financial prayers got answered these last few days and I know more trials are to come. These trials might be rough and I might slip in to one of my freak outs but I know that I will be taken care of. 

I've been given such an amazing opportunity to be here in England. The possibility of coming back and going to school here has appeared. I've met so many amazing people and I've seen so many things that I've only ever dreamed of seeing. Tried some amazing Indian food and had the pleasure of trying crumpets with tea. 

Life is amazing and I forget that so easily. I try to remember but with depression its hard to see the end of the storm when you're in it. Luckily I have so many people who love me and who take me aside and remind me of how amazing and wonderful life is. Thank you, everyone in my heart. Thank you for loving me and lifting me up and listening to me whine and all that goodness. 

This picture and the one in the previous entry were taken in the same day, within hours of each other.

The Great Britain Depression; Ralph and Lauren

So. I've been busy. Again. This is Ralph. I really don't like Ralph. Ralph is a Nightingale, I think, maybe. Ralph is really persistent about getting food from you even if you're still eating it.

This is Lauren. I don't like Lauren either. Lauren has one good leg and is very terrifying when he starts flying with his gang of pigeon friends. The pigeons in this country have no fear. Nor do they actually fly away when you're walking by them. Only when you are sitting do they decide to fly all around you. And for those of us, me, who have irrational fears of flying creatures who fly close to your face; this can be a terrifying and uncomfortable thing. Which leads me to screaming and hiding behind my slightly amused and confused friends. 

On another note, why don't the imbalanced enzymes in my brain know that I'm on vacation? I obviously got on a plane and left all my troubles behind physically. Why do they not balance out cause its vacation time?! Its frustrating, not being able to leave my mental illnesses behind and just wholeheartedly enjoy my trip. Not that I'm unhappy to be here. I'm so excited to be in this country. I love being here with my friends and when I'm up and about I'm laughing and smiling. 

Then come the days where I lay in bed till 1:30 pm and I feel horrible about it. I hate putting my friends through this. They shouldn't have to deal with my emotional swings. They shouldn't have to be put in that position. I can't stand that there are days when I just want to sit and watch tv(on my laptop) all day and not move. Makes me feel like I'm wasting this wonderful trip but nothing in my body wants to move at all. I feel guilty and emotional so often and I keep forgetting to take my meds. In the front of my mind I keep thinking "anybody else could do this trip better than you". I don't know. Just another down day. 

Feels like I'm letting everybody down. It sucks.