If you believe in yourself

When I was younger I remember very vaguely watching a movie called The Wiz. For those of you who don't know what that movie is, its sorta the...'black' version of the Wizard of Oz. I don't care either way if it was black or white but I gotta say I didn't like the original version. Personally I never knew why Dorthy had to go on such a trip until I watched the Wiz today for maybe the third time in my life. I finally understand that Dorthy didn't have faith in her self to do anything beyond what she had known all her life, some would say she wasn't moving forward. Going to Oz helped her to be put in situations where she was forced to do things she had never done before so she had to grow as a person.

Anyhoo, I was watching the movie with my mom and Dorthy was talking about how the lion just needed to believe in himself so he could have courage. My mom said "Why don't you take your own advice?" in a jokingly way towards the TV. I somehow took it to heart because I sympathized with Dorthy some how. Its easy to see that someone else needs to believe in them self and point them in the right direction but its so hard to see those same qualities in yourself. I also felt for the Tin man (Nipsey Russell)...probably the most out of all the characters. The song he sang in the Wiz was the best (I will post a link at the end of this). He didn't have a heart and sometimes I feel as if I don't have a heart, like nothing really touches my heart like it should.

The song at the end 'Home' also got to me. I sing along with that song just as loud as Diana Ross and with as much heart (I think I do anyway). Its so encouraging, I always feel like I can move forward with that song. Lena Horne sang Believe in yourself like no one else. I really feel uplifted when I hear that song. I just wish this believing in yourself thing would kick in a little easier. From time to time it gets really easy to fall backwards...

Strangely enough I also love the song Don't bring me no bad news by the evil witch of the west Evilene. I just love her no mess attitude. Some say I have the same attitude from time to time but I don't ever see it. Be a lion is such a great song, I just love the vocals. When the lion sings he sounds so proud with Dorthy's inspiring words holding him up. I just thought it was a really lovely song.

I would advise the movie to anyone who enjoys musicals and dancing. I don't really think that the movie being an all black cast should have anything to do with how good it is. I think it would have been just as good if the original movie had the same script...maybe...the girl who played Dorthy in that movie was REALLY annoying...anyhoo, its a good movie and if musicals are your thing you should check it out. ^_^

If I could feel by Nipsey Russel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p39CT8ZSvAk

Angels among us

I had a very interesting day today. It was scary at first and I spent a large part of it doubting my words and feeling very nervous but all that went away towards the end. Which is a real shame because I'm sure there would have been more to laugh about if I had just gone in head first with a calm demeanor.

For the first time in a long time I went out with a friend just to eat and get some yarn, since I just started knitting lately and this friend is teaching me ^w^. I was happy to go get yarn with her but going with her other two friends was what scared me. I have a fear of pregnant people for various reasons and one of them is pregnant and I'm sure the other one is just one step away from getting pregnant as well.

Anyhoo, my nervousness really had no grounds. These were some of the kindest people I have ever met. And they are funny without swearing or using gutter comedy or any of the other things that I do with my sister and mother. They seem really down to earth and they have a, what seems to be, natural love for God (something I sometimes lack and admire in others). I very rarely meet people like them. They are happy with little things like gummy worms and lace for booties that they knit for their cousins. I was filled with so much joy just being able to buy some yarn with them, being able to make them laugh, talking with them for more than one minute.

Sometimes when I am around people like them I feel like I am acting fake because I am not as pure at heart as they seem to be. And I know that they aren't 'pure' because they are married for goodness sake and one of them is pregnant and unless she is like me and would want artificial insemination rather than doing whoo hoo she knows a few things that the angels in heaven will never know. But they are a pure in the sense that they seem to be more indulged in the happy things in life rather than the....things I hold on to...

It was also a very different experience because they were all married and I had never been around so many married people at the same time. I tend to stay home a lot...But when I listen to them talk about their husbands and their lives at home I wonder how they ever live without their husband being by their side all the time. I know its not good to be clingy but they way they explain things it seems like having a husband means having someone in your life who is a really big part of your life. It kind scares me...to think that another human would have such a big influence in my life...someone other than God that is...

Anyway, I was just happy to be around them and I am glad that I can be around them more on mondays for knitting group. I'm so glad that I am learning to knit. It really has calmed me down and it has made me friends with a really great person.

Song of the day!

(something new I'm gonna do from now on)

Angels Would Fall by Melissa Etheridge

Life in song (so far)

There is one thing in this world that I love so much and that I would miss dearly when we leave this world. Music is one of the most wonderful things in my life, even though I can not make music and I am just an okay singer, I think I would have had an pretty empty exsistance without music in my life. So! I have decided to type up what my life was like though a series of songs. Like how my last post was so much like that song Alone by Heart. Great song, wonderful vocals, really big 80's sound lol.

So it took me a while but I have gathered up most of the songs that have sumed up some of the most important parts of my life. Like when I was born I picture my life like Happy happy joy joy from Ren and Stimpy and I'll throw my toys around by No Doubt. I was slightly crazy with a splash of happiness and joy. Then everything changed when my mom made us move to this frozen waste land that is Michigan and my life became a lot like Goodbye to you By Michelle Brach. Then I started school here and I was kinda happy until I got to know people and I was totally different then them and I didn't have any friends until I was in the fifth grade for the second time ( >_> I was held back...shut up, depression is a killer! ). So I was left feeling like Is it real by Yoko kanno, Over my head by the Fray, Unwanted by Avril Lavigne, and Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple until about my last year of middle school.

By that time I was feeling so much like Bad Reputation by Joan Jett and Fritz's Corner by Local H, I just stopped caring I guess. I went though this stupid rebellious faze and it wasn't even the normal kind, I didn't rebel against my mom or anything I just rebelled against everything that anyone was doing at school. It was so dumb and I kinda pushed people away by doing that which was stupid because those were the people I cared about the most. So that left me feeling a bit like The hand that feeds by Nine inch nails. So I was lost and confused around then and I felt a lot like Somewhere I belong by Linkin park and Let me fall by Alexz Johnson. Mind you this was all during my freshman year. I was such an idiot. Finally when I got comfortable in school I kinda went through a calm, it was like Voices by Yoko Kanno and Akino Arai and Beautiful life by Charlotte Martin. But during that calm I spent a whole lot of time trying to fix everybody else. Left me feeling a lot like There for you by Flyleaf, Never far behind by Aly and Aj, and Look what you've done by Jet (because I was being a totally self absorbed brat, thinking I could judge others) from time to time. Then I started to get serious about life throughout my Junior year and it was like Asymetrical Threats by Maserati. Senior year I was like I got this, all confident and knowing the flow of things feelin like Feeling good by Michael Buble and Kirakuni by Crystal Kay.

During graduation I was filled with the wonderful song Dancing by Elisa. Afterwards there was this feeling of Trouble by Coldplay and Living inside the shell from Ghost in the shell. Like after leaving high school I went back to living inside myself. Not really moving towards the future even though I had plans. Plans that were changed for me and swept under the rug. For a while I felt like From the inside by Linkin park and Forgotten by Avril Lavigne. I was so angry and I think I still am. Makes me feel like the person they are talking about in A place for my head by Linkin park. That's not the person I wanted to be so I just accepted that my life was kinda like Out of my hands by Dave Matthews Band.

So every now and then recently I dive into songs like Sullen Girl and Let me fall. Even though now I am more like Going on by Gnarls Barkley, The way things are by Fiona Apple, What I've done by Linkin park(even though I do enjoy the version Marié Digby sang on youtube), and Black Bird and There are places I remember by the Beatles. I'm left feeling like Soul mate by Natasha Bedingfield and Blurry by Puddle of mud sometimes. That's the wonderful thing about music to me, even though you are feeling these ways someone out there has already felt this way and has a song about it for you to listen to. Kinda like a 'your are not alone' kinda feeling, its nice.

I Can Has A Want Now? (LOL cat talk)

Even in high school, I never really wanted or "loved" anyone. I don't think it is possible to be in "love" while you are in high school. Its such a time of weakness that any girl would fall for kind words, but I don't believe its "love". Sure I had a crush or two here and there and I would laugh with friends about it, giggle when said crush was around but I never acted on my feelings. Don't know how to, didn't care to find out. I never thought anything would come from it that would be productive.

I had one long crush on this guy, went on for about three and a half years. It was kinda sad. Never acted on it, but I was a sad puppy for the guy. I even had his number for a while, every once and a while I would mention to my mom how much I missed him but she didn't wanna hear it because I never bothered to call him. All that was good and fine back then. But now that my primary time is spent with females, I haven't had a crush in about two years which is totally fine...until recently...

There is a guy that I like now that I shouldn't like. I hate the very fact that I like him. I've had feelings recently that I have never had before. It pisses me off really. When ever I used to think about kissing, I would never ever in a million years picture myself being the one kissing but such a thought has dared to appear in my head. My quickest reaction was to slap myself!

I guess its a good thing I don't know how to act on my feelings, and the experience on hiding how I feel isn't too bad either. But it just sucks that the things that are great about him just keep piling up. Whats worse is that I can't tell anyone about it. I don't even know how to forget about someone that I see so often.

But!! I shall come out on top!! I will not be a slave to my feelings! I have been friends with guys before and I shall do it again. Just as soon as I remember how to do so. Besides, what would I do if I actually did have him. It would turn out bad for everyone around me and I wouldn't know what to do with him...Some feelings...some are just meant to be pushes aside. I just wish that he didn't create such new and interesting ones.

The Privilege to Cry

As I have stated in a previous post (about a month ago, sorry about the absences), I am not one to cry. I don't to it very often. My mother often teases me and says I only ever cry once every year or so. I think I would make it out to be every four to seven months. When I confess this little detail of my life to others they are often shocked and they says something along the lines of me needing to let it out more often.

I suppose that is yet another thing about humans that I just don't understand. Do others really cry that often. My landlord says that he cries all the time. I wouldn't say that is weird for a guy because I am not sure what is normal for a girl.

My sister calls me cold as ice. My mother says I am detached from the world. And its not like I don't have sad things happen to me, and it is not as if I don't feel like crying some times. I just never can. I feel a stir of emotions swell inside me but I never act on them. Most of the times I don't trust myself to act on them. In my head I say things like, "You don't really want to cry" or " If you cry now it will only be because you think you are supposed to cry at situations like this, you really could care less."

I've never seen tears as a sign of weakness or that everyone else is fake. It was never like that...The only times I hate the thoughts of tears is when I see it on tv like in movies or such. IF they can fake tears like that, when would they know if they are really crying or if they are acting because they think they are supposed to cry?

I don't know...I guess the only times I've cried was when I was really at a breaking point. This usually occurs around fall or winter. Rarely am I sad during summer or spring due to my S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder *look it up*). I remember one time I was just sitting on the couch thinking of life and what I wanted to do with mine and I just burst into tears screaming that I didn't want to live anymore.

The most time of me crying was last summer...some time in may or so, maybe early june. I was in church and they were talking about jumping off the boat as a metaphor for all the things holding you back in life and into the water so that god can save you or something like that. And at the time I was having enough problems with my faith and such as I still struggle with. Then everyone was standing up when he was asking who was gonna free them selves and someone started singing 'never would have made it' and I don't know what happened. I started screaming crying in the church and everyone was staring and me and they took me in the back and my mom spent an hour talking about how she wants me to be in bible study and how she is excited for my future. I don't see how she can be excited for my future when I'm not. Maybe she sees something I don't.

I can hardly remember what was really causing me to cry inside that day. I suppose that I just couldn't find in myself what everyone else was feeling. What compelled them so strongly to stand together and fall, trusting in god to catch them. I struggle with that so much. I haven't cried since then. Even now I feel sad and I'm sure somewhere deep down I wanna cry but once I examine it, its an empty tear. I hate not trusting myself but that seems to be what it boils down to. I don't trust my own feelings.

Maybe others just flow with their emotions and let it go. That is a privilege that so many have and they don't even know it....I hate winter...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE-m0fdprTI

Scott Mattews : Is it real