MILESTONE!! WHOO!!!

I did it! Today I went to best buy to get my computer fixed...which it isn't....anyhoo I talked to an Asian guy! I have spoken about my nervousness when talking to Asians, well that has always been Asian girls. I fear them, but when it comes to Asian guys I become a giggling little child. Today I was calm and collected, and he was so nice!

And its all thanks to my wonderful messenger bag! Yeah that's right, my bag brought me one step closer to my dream! On my bag there is a symbol from an anime called Ghost in the shell. Awesome show, well known, nice plot. Anyhoo, there is a character on that show called the laughing man and he has this symbol that he always uses in videos over his face. Everyone who has ever watched that show knows that symbol.

The guy at best buy saw it and said that he loved my bag and I said, right back at him " Oh thank you. Ghost in the shell is awesome."! OH I could leap for joy!! Yeah it was only, like, nine words or whatever but those are my nine words darn it!!! I was sweating so much! I'm so glad I finally did it. WHOOOO!! Now I must learn to be able to speak Japanese with a Japanese person. That will be a wonderful day. ^_^

A Short Truth About Being Naked

I hate it. There I said it. I hate being naked! I hate to shower because I hate being naked. Every day it is an ongoing fight with my mom over whether I will take a bath tonight or a bird bath or whether she will be pouring body wash on me to force me to wash it off. Now, I'm not saying that I enjoy being dirty but I do hate having to be naked...oh God I hate it!

Everyone always tells me that you should be proud of your naked body, that you should love your self whilst you are naked. Why can't I love myself while I have clothes on?! I remember when I was younger I used to bath with a bathing suit on...but then I grew out of the bathing suit and I haven't gotten around to buying a new one... T_T

With all the technology in the world you would think they would have found a way for people to get clean without having to strip down...I don't think I will ever do Whoo Hoo if it requires me to be nakie...That is a big NO! Every doctor I have had has had a hard time with me when they have to do a physical or when they try to say I have to have that duck thing done.

...*shudders*...naked....uhhhg...

We Fall Down...Again

Journey to Praying Part 2

Okay so...does it count if you fall back while you are half way asleep? I fell like it does but I wonder if there is a rule book I can consult. So it has been about four days since I started this journey to praying which will be a regular short thing just to help keep me on track. I was doing good I think, with praying and...I think I was trusting in God. Sometimes I felt like it was a chore or an assignment but it isn't...this is a life changing thingy.

I'm not so sure about whether or not you can call what I do "praying". Its just me talking while I'm by myself. Felt really silly the first few times but now I don't mind. Sometimes I don't even talk, I just think about what I want to do, what I've done and I encourage myself. I don't know if I am seeing results but my bad habits are not so frequent as they used to be. Its hard to stop and think and then not think about what you used to think about...

I was really upset with myself this morning. Its like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Which is physically impossible because my bed is up against the wall but you know what I mean...Like all that hard work was for nothing. Maybe its because I got a new mattress...I did have trouble staying asleep on it. Its just so firm!!! But like that song, that has been stuck in my head since I woke up, says "We fall down but we get up". So! Back to working hard! Whoo!

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

I was reading this very interesting manga about a girl who always looked to the stars for comfort, in her head they were always telling her that she was great and that she was doing her best and that it was amazing how well she was doing. In a way she needed that pick me up because no one else was telling her these things. Anyway, in the manga it was said that the stars only sparkle like that because of our atmosphere. If we went into space they would no longer sparkle, they would just be lights lost among all other lights.

After reading that I thought for a long time about what that meant to me. I've spent my whole life, gazing with star struck eyes at anyone of the Asian gene pool wishing I could be them. I even grew to hate my self and regret that I was even born...black. Every time I meet someone who is Asian I am so nervous and so scared that I can't even talk to them good enough to get to know them. I think that in my life time I have met over 20 Asians but have only become friends with 3. And even now I spend have my time around them making sure that I don't act like an idiot.

But its so pointless...to go your only life hating who you are. You don't get a second chance! You just don't and I would hate to spend the rest of my life hating myself because I wasn't born Japanese. I can't wake up tomorrow with new skin and hair and be living in harajuku. And I don't mean that starting now I will stop hating myself, no, this is a process just like that praying thing I'm working on. Its gonna take a while but I am working on it....doesn't mean I will stop loving Asians with all my heart. Even though I will acknowledge the fact that everyone does poop and everyone was made by the same God. They just happen to poop awesomely. ^_^ Just kidding.

Eww...yuck, these meatballs don't taste good anymore....sorry, eating while typing. Darn vegi food. I think I will just stick to killin cows.

Another manga I read, by the same mangaka as the last manga, had a wonderful part in it where one of the characters was seeing all the great qualities in others and couldn't find anything about himself that was special. A friend of his said that everyone is like rice balls. They look plain and they look around and everyone else has a special plum in their back. Different shapes and colors but you can't see your own because its on your back. She said that even now, someone might be feeling envious of something you don't recognize in yourself.

Anyway, I thought I would just share that. That mangaka always is very insightful and is able to grasp manga of peoples little humany quirks...if that makes any sense. Yeah....

Mangas:

Fruit baskets

Hoshi wa Utau

Music:

All is full of love by Bjork

Journey to Praying

Okay...

For a long time I have had big problems with my faith and with questioning everything. I tend to do the questioning to the point where I get mad and nothing gets done and I ultimately just give up. During bible study yesterday we talked a lot, I let things out that I hadn't talked about in a long time, I basically asked for help to save myself and what not.

So! I am going to start doing this whole praying thing regularly. Or at least I will do it daily. Since I check this daily I thought it would be a good idea for me to post this here so I can remind myself to actually follow through with it.

I need to build a relationship with god and this is how I am going to go about doing so. So watch out mp3 player, gospel music coming your way! Knitting will become my main pass time and I will try to spend less time on the computer and more time reading the bible. It shall almost kill me to spend less time on the computer but I shall try, I have to. Cause I'm sure going to hell wouldn't be much fun.

God Will Take Care of You by Plump