My...whatever...is all screwy...

Do you ever hear seven or eight voices talking in your head at the same time? Some wondering what to do, some putting you down, some recalling old memories and sayings, and some are trying to get you to get your life together. I hear these voices a lot when I am tired, when I am going to bed. I feel a turmoil and a tumbling in my heart..or my head really. It would seem that the heart is just an organ yet we give it so much power. We are to think with it, let it guide us, trust in it, love with it, and use it to pump blood. Busy little fella. 

I guess then that there is turmoil in my head. Or my spirit, or my body. I can't tell. All these voices and thoughts and feelings running about. Its hard to push past them and get down to what I really need to be doing. I need to do so much and I want so much for myself and I just don't see any of it happening. Remembering to take things one day at a time is quite hard to do when the next few days just seem impossible. If I remember correctly, whining is supposed to start disappearing from this little blog of mine. It'll be a process...apparently. 

All the voices, telling me where to go, most of the time contradicting each other. Breathing is weird, a strange tug with every breath. What is this? I should focus on my crafts. I have four dolls to finish and six owl hats to do. That should keep me and my mind busy for a while. Until I lay my head down to sleep. 

Today my sister told me that she feels sorry for me, apparently because I am without direction or purpose and without her ability to simply keep moving on. These are all things I already know I am struggling with, but for some reason...to hear her say that has really rattled me up inside. As if she is looking down on me, like I'm something to pity and throw spare change to. Its so strange how this is troubling me inside. I should sleep. My mind is going a mile a minute. I should sleep. 

Still don't have a new name for my blog...It'll come to me...

 Song: Imaginary by Evanescence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQgfrjMXy_w

Ecclesiastes

I once read that Ecclesiastes isn't for everyone, I agree. 

Of course I would agree to a lot of things, like butterflies aren't for everyone. Nor are whales, white raisins, and bunnies. But Ecclesiastes has changed the way I look at life. It has changed the way I feel about my choices and the things I will and will not bother with. It has made me hopeful and yet completely hopeless in many areas in my life. Maybe I read it wrong, although it is quite straight forward. 

Oh this blog...I want to stop whining all the time. Its all I do, something goes wrong? Whine about it without any intention of getting better and making steps towards a better future. No, stay stagnant and wish for a miracle to fix everything for you. I'm pathetic. This blog is pathetic. I'm so angry with myself and how I've allowed myself to end up. Everything means nothing to me, everything means nothing indeed. What has all this amounted to? So useless, this whining. And where, pray tell, is my ability to change this course I am on? Where is my conviction and guiding force in moving me away from these doldrums of my vapid life? 

Its alright. Its meaningless. 

Every night I stare at the cieling and ask God, "What should I be doing, where am I going, what am I here for" and I fall right asleep. It isn't my battle to fight. Its not my problem. Worrying and prattling about is the biggest insult...I'm so offensive. 

Oh meaninglessness. 

I can only do my best. I can only keep going. Get out of bed each day and try my best to love others and God and...yeah. That's all I can really do. Whining, that's not a part of the big picture. I've got to get rid of that. Time for a new name for this blog of mine. Maybe no more whining....maybe a previously whiny girl. Not a girl anymore...Lady? Lady who previously dabbled in whining? It'll come to me. 

Coming to write this post I felt so angry and empty and tired. Now I feel a bit better, little complacent. Still fearing a stagnant future though. It'll come to me. 

Song: Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qK_RijnIri4

       

Fraud of a Girl

Lately I feel as if I am pushing myself to be something I'm not. I feel as if I'm being nothing but deceitful and fake to everyone I know. It seems insane that people see me as honest and kind and loving. All I can see is how cruel and hateful and how much of a liar I have become. Growth since baptism...ha. I know what this is, this hopelessness, this complete lack of direction...this lack of faith in myself and God. Its not healthy and it stems from despair which only comes from Satan. Why do I let him into my heart with such welcoming arms for him to settle in and crawl into every crevice of my life.
I know what to do to free myself from his grasp but I cling to my old ways because I am lazy and evil at heart. There seems to be no hope for me. I have no root... seed scattered on rocks. 

Love to me is only a means to try and understand God. I can't live like this. 
Responsibility is a welcomed burden only to receive praise.
Emptiness and lack of conviction is my home. So many feel like I do. Why God?
Faith is non-exsistent in my heart. How does one gain faith?
I seek others to fix me even though I know they have their own problems. Is that where my faith lies?
Pride rest in my mediocre talents and my shame. I'm boastful of my own pain as if it is a badge of war. 

Then there is this, my blog wherein I seek attention for my mishaps and misfortunes and small victories. A platform to cry out as a baby cries because it has no other means of communication. Seasonal Affective Disorder must be kicking in... I see how to fix myself and I really just don't feel any want to take the steps towards the brighter path. These thoughts, this hole I nestle into and call home from time to time. They come in waves that crash against my ability to function and feel the things I should feel. Tomorrow might be different, the wave might have passed.
Today the wave was strong, so here I am. Calling out in seek of some release. Hopefully things will be better soon. Winter is coming, this'll be interesting...

Song: Everything means nothing to me by Elliott Smith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dye5BmmEdco

So Confused...

Its my fault, I shouldn't have clicked the image. I suppose I was looking to see of they had any legitimate reasons to be so adamant about their anger. All I saw was hate, hate and cruelty and a total lack of God in their heart.

Let me just start by saying this, I don't give a shit whether you are Republican or Democrat. It really doesn't matter, both won't be there in heaven. None of this matters! But if you don't understand love, if you don't understand caring for people even when they don't agree with you and they just plain outright spit in the face of your way of life. You must be able to love them anyway. What I saw today brought tears to my eyes. 

Facebook should ban these organizations as a hate crime. Barack Obama's dead fly, was the most hateful thing I've seen...ever. This isn't just about Barack Obama, this is about the Muslim people, this is about the "american" way of life, this is about pure ignorance and hateful hearts. Seeing a picture of people peacefully practicing their religion and to then see people boldly post "bomb them, kill them, they need to be strung up by a short rope, anyone who supports Islam isn't innocent, burn the Qur'an"...

Why does it have to be like this. Truly, the people who post these things call themselves God respecting people. I just don't understand. I have quite a few friends who don't agree with me politically, they don't all see eye to eye with me on ways of life but I still love them. I still await the day when that won't even be a part of a conversation. 

Being american means one thing, if you have the ability you can say/do/be/act/care for anything you want. Some say that makes this the greatest country on earth, I personally believe that it makes us susceptible to unwarranted cruelty towards things we don't understand nor wish to understand. We all live different lives, its almost impossible to always see from someone elses point of view.  For example, I can't understand someone who professes to love God and want to be like him but they take away programs that could help someone stay healthy, educated, and in a home. 

No one is perfect, there will always be ignorance, always be hatred. I just prefer to love others. I want everyone to get along...This earth is so crazy... america is so crazy (yes I know I'm not capitalizing it, you can't make me). I really can't wait for all this to be over and we can just go about loving others without a second thought. My heart really hurts, I'm disappointed in man kind today. Hoping in Christ.

Song: Peace Train by Cat Stevens

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLJcT_bXEvY&feature=fvst

Who's that girl?

You know how when you are a child and your mommy shows you pictures of yourself as a baby you look at it and ask "who's that?" and your mommy will promptly say "well that's you my beautiful baby, when you were little". If you are a very literal child, as are some of the ones I baby sit, you will respond "It doesn't look like me". Imagine that when you're 24 and you are seeing a picture of yourself from yesterday. That would best explain how I am feeling right now (and have felt since I was about nine). 

I don't know if it is some sense of misplaced idea of how I think I should look or I simply don't look in the mirror enough, either way I never seem to recognize myself whenever I see...well...me. Sure I know its me because I'm not a complete idiot nor am I completely insane (yet). That doesn't change the fact that the pictures I see and when I walk in front of a mirror, the eyes staring back at me just don't look like mine. My smile always seems off, my skin doesn't look like my own, I'm always so much fatter than I think I am (which is probably why I always bump into stuff, I don't account for my size), and my eyes always seem so empty. 

Am I crazy? Have I, as my British friend use to say, gone off? 

Even "nice" pictures of me where in I could say that the person in the picture looks reasonably pretty don't look like me. Or rather I look at it and almost immediately say "who's that girl". All this seems to scare me, I'm afraid that it will affect how I view myself if or when I ever get into a relationship...if or when. 

 I don't know, these are random thoughts of a sleepy girl who should be BANNED from thinking all together. Maybe if the republicans win this election Romney will ban thinking for women because he thinks its wrong. That would actually be helpful (sarcastic disclaimer, I am pro end of earth/coming of Jesus, not pro Romney). 

Whatever, I think I just need sleep. Even though, knowing my mind, I will probably continue to think of this well through the week. I still need to sleep it off for right now. This random rant is brought to you by fat! It'll change how you look (this is not just about my fat...although that part of me is crazy annoying...whatever) 

sleep. 

 Song: Livin' Like A Bug Ain't Easy by Brendon Small 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzNfXVkYi_Q

(Who the cuss is this?)