The F Word

Fear

I have been living in fear, more fear than I realized. I previously believed that it was fear of failing at academics again that was holding me back but now I see that the fear has spread like a poison throughout so many different avenues of my life. Its seeping into my church life, my hobbies, my friendships, my relationship with God, my will to be happy. 

There were all these excuses I would use to justify not getting to really know any of the new people at my church the way I use to get to know my church family. I use to yearn to go to my church families houses throughout the week, wanting nothing more than to sit in their living room and talk with them and learn more about them. Now here I am lucky to see them on sabbath if I end up going to church at all. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of getting close to these people because I know that within the next six months to a year they will leave me again. That is what happens in my town, it is a passing through town. People go here for school then they leave, and I stay. I'm afraid to be hurt again and this is the result. I have closed myself off from my church family, from feeling close to the people I worship with and that has hurt my relationship with God in so many ways. 

When I was leaving high school my caseworker asked me what am I doing to combat my depression and I said that I have a great church family and my relationship with God is keeping me up. Now I've seperated myself from my church family and I've scared myself away from God. Why? Because of the climb. I know God is with me every second of the way and is forever by my side but there are still valleys in the walk with Christ. It all goes up and down and that climb up scares me to death. I'd rather lay still in that valley than climb up that hill shaking with fear that it will soon go downward again. I once fasted from anything with a screen and I fasted for a week. As that week came to an end I was crying, I was afraid of the week ending because it meant I would go back. I would go back to living the way I was before the week, I would go back down hill. I've scared myself away from God. 

Never in my life have I thought much of myself. My finest attributes are my eyebrows and my sense of humor. Now here I am with hobbies like crocheting, knitting, sewing, drawing, some ceramics, and graphic arts. As always with my art I put myself down and look at the work of others to judge my own. It makes it very hard to believe in myself and to believe others when they believe in me. I have three clients of my own for whom I do graphic design work and I still don't know how to price my stuff because I believe it to be worthless. I sell dolls, crocheted dolls and I still can't believe I've sold even one, let alone for $80! Every time I create something I'm afraid that its not good enough. There was a long time where I had just stopped drawing because I had gotten one bad review. I have allowed my fears to hinder my creativity. 

Growing up, I never had friends like the ones I have now. It was all superficial, completely dependent upon us being at school together. Once that was gone there was nothing to hold anything together. Now I have friends that I would do anything for, friends that I have done anything for. Friends that I'm afraid of loosing because of what I'm finding out about myself. The more I try to find out where I'm going in life the more I'm not liking about myself. Every time I'm around my friends now I try to hide these things so they don't see, so they don't leave me. Even now, writing how I feel and whining like this. All the dramatics, all the overanalyzing, all the dependencies. None of it helps anything and yet still here I am, and I hate that about myself. 

Could never just let things be easy. Never just let myself wake up and smile instead of finding the darkness in my mind and holding up in it for safety from the sadness that comes shortly after the happy. I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind...maybe just a little bit. Being so wrapped up in fear, I can't live like this anymore. So afraid to live. My ants weigh so much more than elephants. I need to dig my way out of this hole. 

Song: Daredevil by Fiona Apple

3 am

Sleep is avoiding me. Its my fault really, I haven't been very open to the idea of allowing sleep into my life tonight. I feel old and tired but not welcoming of sleep and the knowledge that I am only twenty four (will turn twenty five in June), Still feel sixty. Luckily my friend is living with us currently and she is keeping me company with her own bout of insomnia. Everybody is going through something, its always something. If it wasn't something it would be something else. Always something. 

Feeling better today. I am quite impressionable when it comes to music, even knowing that my taste in music is still quite melancholy(emotional, as my sister calls it). Today I forced myself ot listen to a Pandora mix station formed around Party Rock Anthem(by LMFAO), Gangnam style(by Psy), and Yeah!(by usher). Made for a heady concoction of mindless club dance music that I had no interest in but got hyped up by all the same. Guess that's all I need to get my graphic design projects done and to dance my way relatively out of a funk. Still a bit funkish(not a word, don't care) but I am feeling quite a bit better. 

Although...the thought of a brain aneurism sounded awesome a bit ago. 

Song: Comes and Goes (in waves) by Greg Laswell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEFxfVyz4Uc

 

Night falls

Am I truly that dependent on the sun? 

More so lately I've noticed that when the sun goes down, so does my ability to stay away from completely debilitating depressing thoughts. At first I figured that it was just me winding down for bed or something in the day upset me and I over thought it well into the night, but no. This is something else, somehow my ability to think rationally and climb my way out of my hole is just not there when the sun is gone. 

This isn't anything new to my days in winter, seasonal affective disorder is quite common in my town and I don't think this is much separate from it. It has been cloudy the last few days but this is nothing like the lull that SAD puts me in. This is thoughts of cutting all my hair off because its thinning (another thing that is driving me mad), walking out the front door and not looking back (just keep walking and see where I end up), lay in bed and don't get up, scream till I can't scream anymore, tear up everything and refuse to speak again, stare at the wall and contemplate why you'll be alone forever. 

It haunts me every night and when I talk to people about feeling sad they tell me to think about all the good things I have, they tell me to just get over it, they say it will some day get better. They're knocking but for some reason I'm just not home. Its stupid really, I have to keep breathing... just keep breathing. I run my hand through my hair and I pull out strands every time, long thin hair. 

My friend would tell me to say three nice things about myself at a time like this when I am constantly putting myself down. Right now I have nothing to say. This kind of despair...the kind where my sins, which I have grown to find comfort in, don't even bring me the least bit of relief... I don't know what to do when I get like this. Like everything inside me is falling apart. Just reading this, I sound like a bratty little drama queen who is blowing things out of proportion. I am a sensible women, I am twenty five years old. And even though I have done next to nothing with my life, it'll all be okay. I just have to keep breathing.

Even if all my hair falls out, even if I never get married and I only live my life for my family and friends, even if I never ever get kissed, even if I gain another fifty pounds and have to wear a 4x and my face is covered in scars from pimples I can't seem to leave alone, even if I am stuck doing crafts and random graphic design work for the rest of my life, even if I never leave america, even if I feel this way forever...I still have God. 

Why do I always feel a heavy silence after saying that. 

Song: Awake my soul by Mumford & Sons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNxnHU0Uwlk

New name...right. Maybe TBA. Caution, Extreme Emotions! That's a good one.

What is that sound

The new year begins and another page is turned in the life of a whiny girl (Whiny woman...Lady fails a lot. Sufficiently unlucky Desi, I think I like that one). I've lived to see 2013, an odd number if I must say so myself. But maybe that is exactly what I need, a odd number for an odd girl. Maybe this could be the year of Desi. I won't say that I have a new years resolution but I do have one prayer... I'm going to keep it to myself though...

Why, you might ask, am I keeping it to myself? Because I want it to happen. Every time I tell people about a plan or hope or dream of mine it never happens. On my best day my wish will come true in a way completely opposite of how I believed it might come to pass. I have always wanted to be the kind of person that could plan for things and then promptly have them turn out like they should. Used to have a five year plan that ended me up in japan by the time I was 24. That didn't exactly work out as I had wanted. 

So I will keep my plan and wishes inside. I will dream in silence but I will act. Oh how I will act towards my goal and seek it out with a stronger vigor than ever before! I want this, I will always want this. I will have this, I will cherish this, I will protect this, I will live this, I will hope in this.



But in my heart, I know one thing...Hope...deals the hardest blows. 
But I cannot help myself but to hope...

Song: What Sound by Lamb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo8mhJXOHpo

Movies and snot

Not too long ago I was told 'no more movies, tv shows, or likewise' and I believe is it for a very good reason. Sometimes I tend to come off as uncaring when it comes to others trials and hardships. Often I can be quoted for saying that I don't learn from others, or reading about people's lives doesn't help make me feel differently about anything. Now, at 3:12 a.m. I must say that it just isn't so. It never has been so, all that has been is the fear (or knowledge) that I would never experience what those people have. 

Pathetic, its as if I never left high school. These stupid feelings of mine. I can't take in my own experiences, never satisfied. And don't even think about me going out there and living my life, no... no no no, I'm too smart, too educated, too wise to ever fall into the habits of those who make these silly mistakes. No, I will sit and watch, I will watch as they ruin their lives. Trudge through the mud and the stink to find their pearls while I wait for my pearls to be handed to me.

How tragic am I, how tortured, how misunderstood and unloved. Left to her crafts and friends, no one to hold under the moonlight. No man to lead her astray and teach her of tormented love. No father to show her how a man should treat a woman. No high school romance to visit in her mind for sweet memories of foolish days past. No, dear sweet quirky artistic luckily not repulsive God fearing slightly troubled Desi just watches from the sidelines. She judges with an iron set of standards that no one should live by. She sees the flaws in simple things and blows them out of proportion till they consume her everyday. She is fearless and afraid of everything. She wants for an impossible man and yet fears all and any man that might approach her. 

The living breathing contradiction that allows movies, tv shows, and likewise to make her feel like a stone on the road. Uninteresting, stationary and without purpose. Why? Because she over sympathizes with the characters in these viewings. Placing herself in these roles and seeing what she would have done. Wondering if any one will ever feel for her that way. Wondering if someone will look to her and feel like everything will be okay cause she is in the world. Wondering if there will come a day when she will feel truly alive and have it all be thanks to that person who cares for them so deeply. 

It's true. I really shouldn't watch these viewings anymore. They do nothing for me. Pathetic. I'm disappointed in myself. Well...I guess you don't get to be twenty-four and have never kissed a guy and walk away without feeling that something might be wrong with you. I once read that guys like confidence. Maybe that's the problem. I also once heard that more christian women are dying old and never married because they wait their whole life for God to give them a man. Gonna save my money...I'm gonna go travel...See England, Ireland, South Korea, Italy.... And yes, I am running away. I don't care. That's why I'm here in Florida. To run the cuss away. I have no problems here in Florida, no expectations, no responsibilities. No worries. Maybe I'll go to Hawaii too. Die old and alone, yet seasoned. That's fine I suppose.

Maybe...no more movies, tv shows, or likewise viewings....Haha...who am I kidding. 

Need to love myself first huh....
Gotta stop staying up so late...
Gotta find a new name for this blog...

It'll come to me...

Song: Asleep by The Smiths

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy0NySCmuFU