Fall is coming

Taking things for what they are, I'm really struggling with this. 

All that time I was running about crying for a job. All that time I go around preaching how happy I am being single. All those times when I told my friends and family that I'm trying to just accept the now. I feel like a failure. Like everything I've done up to this point has meant nothing. As if everything I do from now on is leading me no where. 

The cloud is here. 

A friend of mine told me that when depression hits you have to just accept that its happening. Its raining, there is no sense in saying that you're not getting wet. Even though I can't see an end to the storm I know that some day it will be better. But in the mean time I have to embrace what is happening. I have to flow with the waves till the seas calm. 

Yeah, clouds rain and seas. Ugh...and Linkin Park. 

A kid called me a bitch today. I saw what I could never have in a guy that I barely want to acknowledge. My cat keeps pooping and peeing in closets. Had a fight with my mom, I yelled...a lot. I'm sick of this crap.

I feel so lonely and stagnant. Its like wading through mud. All this is so strange cause I've been getting enough sun light and hanging with friends and trying to be happy. Then the waves come. Whatever. I can't deal with this right now. 

Song: Paranoia by Linkin Park

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hStF1HeXdXA

In the end by Linkin Park

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yw1Tgj9-VU

Should is an ouch word

You should take better care of your hair.

You should manage your time better.

Don't you think you should clean up?

Shouldn't you think about going back to school?

You should spend more time reading the bible.

You don't freaking say. 

I really don't like it when people come at me telling me what they think I should be doing. Especially when I don't even ask. Honestly, if I wanted your advice I'd ask. I'm no stranger to asking for help. 

Really people...do you think that I just don't think I these things? That I'm purposely letting things go to crap without a second though? I'm not asleep in here. I'm just a little preoccupied from time to time. 

I try not to stress or talk about things I can't really handle. It makes me seem really whiny and I'm trying to get away from that. And maybe my priorities are different than yours. Maybe my emotions are just a bit bare at the moment and peoples opinions are really cutting deeper than they should. 

I should probably get tougher skin and not care about what people say. Even though they are people that I care about and their opinion matters to me. Whatever. I'm just not gonna worry about this too much right now. 

Maybe I'm just lonely....see...I told you guys two post back. That valley. It's here. 

Song: I gave you all by Mumford and sons 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyU5OAAOOBE

Now do the pretty girl rock!

I admit it... I've got PGE, Pretty Girl Envy. My sister accused me of this months ago and I was like 'naaaaaaah! I don't like her cause she is mean!' but I was just jealous. 

What brought this blog on? So I was at work and this girl, of course she is beautiful, is getting stuff wrong on the tray line. The guys are all joking with her and laughing off her mistakes. I'm sitting there like... when I made that mistake everyone rolled their eyes at me and had an attitude. She does it and its freaking adorable! Right...okay, whatever.

Just want to clarify, I'm SO NOT fishing. This is just how I felt today at work.  

I mean, I don't want to say its not fair. Personally I hate it when people say that. "Its not fair!" Such a childish thing to say! Honestly, either it happened for you or it didn't. But sometimes it does get to me that I'm not the type of girl guys will see on the street and be all over themselves wondering how they will ask this girl to marry them even before knowing them.

Not that I want that, doesn't seem like the guy really thought that through. I don't even know if I ever want to get married. It just kinda sucks that some people get viewed that way and some don't. To be desired...I mean...its not like it's been six....seven years since a guy has viewed me in that way but whatever.

Honestly, even while writing this I'm already over it. Its not even a big deal. Just had a strong wave of insecurity while at work and now its passed. And yeah, I know, love yourself and whatever after school program saying goes here. Doesn't mean these feelings don't exist, nor can they just be ignored. Also doesn't mean that we treat others differently because of their appearance or status in life. Blah blah blah, love one everyone. 

 

Song: Betty Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPOIS5taqA8

Y is an ugly letter II

Why do we have preferences? 

I know, sounds like a stupid question but hear me out. I was thinking if it was conditioning or if it was just what we are born liking. For example, I really don't like the taste of milk but I never drank it growing up. However, I grew up liking the color orange and now I just think its ugly(unless burnt, then its purty). Then that raises the question, do our preferences change and if so why did we like the first thing at all in the first place(had to type this here, otherwise there would be an orphan and I would just die. Graphic designer issues)? 

Is it a matter of maturing or is it a matter of growing out of stuff. Why would someone grow out of a color. Are humans simply that fickle? Do people grow out of God? I think that would be a bit harder...I don't know. 

So what brought this question on? I was at work and I noticed this guy's butt and I was really confused cause I don't usually notice a guys butt. Its not a big feature for me and I actually prefer strong hands or eyebrows. This guy's butt just really caught my eye and I really just couldn't figure out why this would be a focal point or a preference of mine. 


Well, maybe it's just an appreciation of his butt... I don't know. I'm gonna stop thinking about this. I'm really thinking too hard. 

Song: World's at Large by Modest mouse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E68DYqo2m2M 

]

Two Birds on a Wire

Sometimes my mind goes down strange paths. Sometimes it goes down rather depressing paths. These paths can set the pace for my thought processes for quite some time. 

A few days back I was walking to my friends house and I passed a birds nest on the ground. It was upside down and if anything had been in there it was dead. There had been a storm earlier that morning and it probably hit the birds nest and then that was it. I stood there for a while looking at the birds nest then I walked on and tried not to think of it.

It seemed that the more I tried not to think about it the more it bugged me that these birds had lived, built a nest, had possible eggs, and then without making so much as an indent in life they were dead. Or lets say that they lived, they lost their home and they will have to rebuild and their babies are probably dead. No one will even know, we don't know their names or how this has all effected them. 

What were they for? What did they live for? Without a second thought they made that home and now its gone and they will make another one if they lived. Why make such a creature? Why give them such a life. Then I thought about the humans that roam the earth, some never knowing anything but their life of work and labor and then they are done. Dead without a second thought and no one knows. 

I can feel it, I'm going down that path. The valley is coming and there is little I can do to stop it. Here come the hours of staring at the wall and wondering about the meaning of life rather than going out and living this small existence. Hate it when I get to this point. Even acknowledging doesn't stop it from coming. Gonna have to think on this a bit...or not. I don't know. 

Song: The lightning strike by snow patrol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE6gEbp9vvE