So Confused...

Its my fault, I shouldn't have clicked the image. I suppose I was looking to see of they had any legitimate reasons to be so adamant about their anger. All I saw was hate, hate and cruelty and a total lack of God in their heart.

Let me just start by saying this, I don't give a shit whether you are Republican or Democrat. It really doesn't matter, both won't be there in heaven. None of this matters! But if you don't understand love, if you don't understand caring for people even when they don't agree with you and they just plain outright spit in the face of your way of life. You must be able to love them anyway. What I saw today brought tears to my eyes. 

Facebook should ban these organizations as a hate crime. Barack Obama's dead fly, was the most hateful thing I've seen...ever. This isn't just about Barack Obama, this is about the Muslim people, this is about the "american" way of life, this is about pure ignorance and hateful hearts. Seeing a picture of people peacefully practicing their religion and to then see people boldly post "bomb them, kill them, they need to be strung up by a short rope, anyone who supports Islam isn't innocent, burn the Qur'an"...

Why does it have to be like this. Truly, the people who post these things call themselves God respecting people. I just don't understand. I have quite a few friends who don't agree with me politically, they don't all see eye to eye with me on ways of life but I still love them. I still await the day when that won't even be a part of a conversation. 

Being american means one thing, if you have the ability you can say/do/be/act/care for anything you want. Some say that makes this the greatest country on earth, I personally believe that it makes us susceptible to unwarranted cruelty towards things we don't understand nor wish to understand. We all live different lives, its almost impossible to always see from someone elses point of view.  For example, I can't understand someone who professes to love God and want to be like him but they take away programs that could help someone stay healthy, educated, and in a home. 

No one is perfect, there will always be ignorance, always be hatred. I just prefer to love others. I want everyone to get along...This earth is so crazy... america is so crazy (yes I know I'm not capitalizing it, you can't make me). I really can't wait for all this to be over and we can just go about loving others without a second thought. My heart really hurts, I'm disappointed in man kind today. Hoping in Christ.

Song: Peace Train by Cat Stevens

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLJcT_bXEvY&feature=fvst

Who's that girl?

You know how when you are a child and your mommy shows you pictures of yourself as a baby you look at it and ask "who's that?" and your mommy will promptly say "well that's you my beautiful baby, when you were little". If you are a very literal child, as are some of the ones I baby sit, you will respond "It doesn't look like me". Imagine that when you're 24 and you are seeing a picture of yourself from yesterday. That would best explain how I am feeling right now (and have felt since I was about nine). 

I don't know if it is some sense of misplaced idea of how I think I should look or I simply don't look in the mirror enough, either way I never seem to recognize myself whenever I see...well...me. Sure I know its me because I'm not a complete idiot nor am I completely insane (yet). That doesn't change the fact that the pictures I see and when I walk in front of a mirror, the eyes staring back at me just don't look like mine. My smile always seems off, my skin doesn't look like my own, I'm always so much fatter than I think I am (which is probably why I always bump into stuff, I don't account for my size), and my eyes always seem so empty. 

Am I crazy? Have I, as my British friend use to say, gone off? 

Even "nice" pictures of me where in I could say that the person in the picture looks reasonably pretty don't look like me. Or rather I look at it and almost immediately say "who's that girl". All this seems to scare me, I'm afraid that it will affect how I view myself if or when I ever get into a relationship...if or when. 

 I don't know, these are random thoughts of a sleepy girl who should be BANNED from thinking all together. Maybe if the republicans win this election Romney will ban thinking for women because he thinks its wrong. That would actually be helpful (sarcastic disclaimer, I am pro end of earth/coming of Jesus, not pro Romney). 

Whatever, I think I just need sleep. Even though, knowing my mind, I will probably continue to think of this well through the week. I still need to sleep it off for right now. This random rant is brought to you by fat! It'll change how you look (this is not just about my fat...although that part of me is crazy annoying...whatever) 

sleep. 

 Song: Livin' Like A Bug Ain't Easy by Brendon Small 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzNfXVkYi_Q

(Who the cuss is this?)

We forget

I was thinking back on how I always viewed God, before everything got all complicated in my head brain. Back then I always saw him as just there, dealing out blessings where he saw fit and that was it. Not much of my view of him changed over the years, even after my baptism. Laying here I remembered that God is just everything. He is love and wrath, laughter and a stern hand, kindness and sadness, plague and overflowing blessings, he is purity and all knowing and forgiving and never forgetting. God is holy and he deserves praise and adoring love and respect. Complete respect, I have always loved God but I never truly respected God.

For years I would always write the word God with a lower case g, my mother would always correct  me and I never saw it as a big deal. Its so crazy that you can love someone and not respect them. That is an incomplete love, I want to respect God and love him fully. That is my prayer now, to learn to respect God and love him with care for who he is and always will be. I know his love for me will never go away even if I slip up and fail him routinely. His love never changes, even as I stress myself over small things till I induce an early period and my hair starts to fall out (its been a crazy few weeks), he is still there. 

I don't have to fear storms anymore. They are there for a reason, to draw me closer to God, to encourage me to lean on him and not my comforts. Even if this is just a glimpse of clarity in my many storms, I will cling to it and learn from it and I will praise him for it. This post is not whining, this is a praise. 

Songs: I will praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns

Jesus paid it all by Fernando Ortaega

Hide & Come Find Me

When I was little I had gone to work with my mother, my sister and I got bored. We went through out the building going to other people's offices and taking their candy. One day I got separated from my sister and went into the filing room and hid in-between the shelves, I was really small back then. The whole time I was hiding I was giddy thinking of my mom and sister's face when they would find me. Then time went by, I was getting tired of hiding but I didn't move. My butt hurt and I was starting to get this thought in the back of my head that they weren't even looking for me. I started to think about how they would never find me. 


I felt that way today but on another level. Today I all but ran away from home, once again finding it preferable to run from my problems rather than face them head on. I came home after baby sitting, went to my room and promptly turned around and grabbed my bike and rode away. I didn't know where I was going at first. None of it made any sense. I just kept going till I ended up at my old house. Still having the key it wasn't a problem getting in. So here I am, five hours later still hiding. Wondering if I should go home. I REALLY don't want to go back home right now. And above all I just don't want to be found. 


Back in Maryland when I was younger I would randomly cry to my mother that I wanted to go home. I would cry this when we were in fact at the place one would normally call home. She would always coo at me and say that I was home, I was always so distraught that I would either be moved to tears or a mild state of depression. Right now I find myself wanting to go home but not to the place I should call home. Even in this house that I used to call home, I still want nothing more than to go home. I really wish I knew where home was. 


Emotionally things have been heavy lately...I either need to snap out of it or go into hibernation. I hope that eventually I can just get over what is wrong with me. Whatever it is, I'm quite sure I'm going about it all wrong and it is just making matters worst. 

Song: Sleep don't weep by Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he6x-pMgTKo

Lost & Found

So...today I came home from watching dancing after a long day of watching children and my cat was missing. There are lots of peoples in my house right now so I wasn't too surprised at the notion of one of them opening the door and forgetting to close it and Miko getting out. Once I looked in ALL of Miko's hiding places I kinda just sat down and continued to wrap my hair to go to bed, I just didn't really care.

Mel then encouraged me to go out and find him so I walked around the house shaking his bag of food, calling his name, and looking in dark places with all the enthusiasm of drugged sloth. I just couldn't find it in me to want to find this cat. I concluded that he was gone to go live his life and now I can go live mine and we have parted ways. He was done with my crap and I was CERTAINLY done with his!

I came back inside after another round about the house and went back to wrapping my hair, my oldest nephew came in and told me that my cat was behind the couch the whole time (a place he has recently adopted to escape the children, also a place my youngest niece had checked before I went searching). Mike went trotting into my room and laid on my bed just to mock me with his presence. Then he left again and I was left to think about how this made me feel. 

This is not the first time recently that losing something or something that I love has become something that I simply don't care for anymore. I have lost the passion for certain things in my life that used to bring me great joy. Just as I was typing that I thought maybe I have become more guarded, closing myself off to certain things so I don't feel let down or disappointed or severely hurt after things or people go away or fail me in some way. I guess I have been feeling that way for a while now, closed off to a lot of stuff in my life. Trying not to hurt anymore. 

Its like I just don't have a single cuss to give anymore. 

Song: Every single night by Fiona Apple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzoQolIDlTw