I Go Bitter

Could be the weather, could also be cause I’m home alone in a home that isn’t exactly my home. More like I’m being extendedly cat sat. Surely it not because I’m 27 and have never been kissed, still… been a little fixated on that lately… Gonna try not to focus on that for the rest of the entry, don’t hold your breath though.

Pretty sure it’s a character flaw of mine. Mix in the sexually charged music I listen to, stories I read, TV shows I watch, and the slew of married people I tend to hang around showing how much they love each other… ugh. I have a bad habit of internalizing everything I see.

Billboard of a pretty lady eating an apple quickly turns into “I’m sure she’s married or has at least dated, I should eat more apples, and this is why you’re fat”. Couple showing affection to one another quickly becomes “Look at how much he loves her, she obviously has something you don’t have, let us point out the ways you’re different from her and will never be her for the rest of the day”. Cute clothes on a commercial or ad in a magazine rolls around in my brain like “None of these will look good on you, you’re a potato, go back to your tee-shirts and jeans”.

My therapist has assigned me with the slightly challenging task of doing one nice thing for myself everyday since I can’t seem to make my brain be nice to myself. Moments of silence today where I’m crocheting, watching a TV show (Younger, cute show, I should not watch it in the mind set that I had today), and am completely alone with a dog I hate seem to send me spiraling down a path of internal bitterness.

Perhaps bitter isn’t a good word. I’m not sure what the best word is. I can feel myself sagging, melting into this pile of why bother and everything sucks. I’m sure its just the depression but there is another word for it… It doesn’t matter what the word is I guess, all that matters is that I don’t like it. Feeling like I’m in the passenger seat to my own emotions, watching my ability to smile or continue to function like an adult slip away at the drop of a careless word or a kiss given to a loved one in my presence.

Guess I should lead with happy sometimes, I’m going to England soon, August actually. I hope that will help my current disposition. I am happening to go to the gloomiest looking country in the world with rain every other hour but I’m excited for a change of scenery. I will be around yet another married couple but I will also venture out into the world, try and see it one step at a time, lots of pictures to be taken for sure.

Shouldn’t be like this, shouldn’t be so easy for me to fall apart at the drop of the hat. Even with the prospect of glorious adventure in my future, I can’t even remember it in my random times of despair. What am I going to do with myself? I was on meds, but I hated how they made me feel. I’d be fine during the day and a zombie at night. Hoping to get that fixed very soon, not looking forward to my doctor’s disappointed face and going back on meds. Just wish I had some kind of even playing field, like normal people who can function day to day without wanting to stay in bed and cry over simple things.

Oh to not be completely ridiculous all the time, that would be a welcomed change.

Song: Long Long Way by Damien Rice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5yRKJ-gU48