First Day(awake) in Aylesbury

I spent most of day one in Aylesbury asleep cause jetlag will always get you. I'm not sure if I slept in till 12 or 2 today but whatever. First thing I did was try to take a shower. This didn't go so well. I figured out the monster shower head thing but then I spent fifteen minutes picking everything up around me asking "Is this soap?". I figured out that nothing in the bathroom was soap since my host had to travel and most likely took it with them, like sane people do. I decided not to do this when I traveled for reasons unknown to me. 

So I got dressed, thought I was looking cute, made myself all purty to go walking about the town. Its drizzling, not to worry, I stole my mother's umbrella. I'll be fine. My hair had retained some of the straight properties from my friend flat ironing it and I thought, 'what the hay, lets wear it down'. My hair now stands three inches all around my head in poof and my umbrella is inside out. Not to worry I forgot all my hair bands at home! So I twisted my hair into a bun in an alley way that I found by a fish and chips shop that I shall visit tomorrow. 



On my walk of wonders I found a few awesome things. Roses! Roses everywhere. Every other house had rose bushes. I thought that was awesome. I'm pretty sure I saw a pterodactyl, can't be certain cause it flew by really fast but....it was a pterodactyl. Found a pub, really big building. It was across the street from a church, little building. Found that hilarious. All the shop keep boys were adorable and I was sweating like someone has dumped a bucket of water on me. 


Found out they don't bag your stuff for you. I was staring, smiling sweetly at the cashier guy after he rung up my food and soap, waiting for him to bag my stuff. He just stared back. Then I realized...I bag it. So I laughed and told him that this is my second day in this country and I am still figuring it out. He told me I'd get the hang of it. Then he handed me my change. I expected one pound bills but apparently not. I got coins and I stared at him again making strange meow sounds. He laughed and said we have coins here too. So I stammered about and said that I shall stop acting like a tourist any moment now and ran laughing out the store. 

After walking around a bit, going into a thrift store and a martins which turned out to be a pharmacy, I started on my journey home. This eluded me to a very funny fact(one that I will laugh about later...not now), my dress that I was so excited to wear has a slip under a lace part. I had been tugging at the lace part all during my adventure but apparently that's all I had been tugging at. The slip part had ridden up to my underwear and had been up there for God knows how long. This might be why I was honked at, people where staring at my dress funny and a old lady grumbled saying cheeky as she walked past me. 

(the stove almost won)

I have flashed all of the Queen's England half my bottom and my entire left leg. And what a leg it was. I always liked my left leg best, which is funny cause I love my right hand. Any hoo, I'll laugh about that one day. Now I'm going to eat pizza(since I finally figured out the stove, see picture to the left for rare sight of me dying by a strange stove monster beast), drink a whole jug of cranberry juice and have a proper shower. (Don't worry mom, they were very clean undies that so many sweet innocent bystanders got to see)


I'll have to venture out there again. Maybe take the bus to downtown Aylesbury. I will wear a dress that requires less tugging. Maybe something with leggings. Up side. I found a flower on the street. It had fallen off the bush so I thought it was okay to take it with me.
So all in all, I think this was a successful adventure! I'm pretty sure that I exceeded my own expectations and usual abilities when it comes to outgoingness(not a word). I'm excited to see what happens tomorrow.

I Go Bitter

Could be the weather, could also be cause I’m home alone in a home that isn’t exactly my home. More like I’m being extendedly cat sat. Surely it not because I’m 27 and have never been kissed, still… been a little fixated on that lately… Gonna try not to focus on that for the rest of the entry, don’t hold your breath though.

Pretty sure it’s a character flaw of mine. Mix in the sexually charged music I listen to, stories I read, TV shows I watch, and the slew of married people I tend to hang around showing how much they love each other… ugh. I have a bad habit of internalizing everything I see.

Billboard of a pretty lady eating an apple quickly turns into “I’m sure she’s married or has at least dated, I should eat more apples, and this is why you’re fat”. Couple showing affection to one another quickly becomes “Look at how much he loves her, she obviously has something you don’t have, let us point out the ways you’re different from her and will never be her for the rest of the day”. Cute clothes on a commercial or ad in a magazine rolls around in my brain like “None of these will look good on you, you’re a potato, go back to your tee-shirts and jeans”.

My therapist has assigned me with the slightly challenging task of doing one nice thing for myself everyday since I can’t seem to make my brain be nice to myself. Moments of silence today where I’m crocheting, watching a TV show (Younger, cute show, I should not watch it in the mind set that I had today), and am completely alone with a dog I hate seem to send me spiraling down a path of internal bitterness.

Perhaps bitter isn’t a good word. I’m not sure what the best word is. I can feel myself sagging, melting into this pile of why bother and everything sucks. I’m sure its just the depression but there is another word for it… It doesn’t matter what the word is I guess, all that matters is that I don’t like it. Feeling like I’m in the passenger seat to my own emotions, watching my ability to smile or continue to function like an adult slip away at the drop of a careless word or a kiss given to a loved one in my presence.

Guess I should lead with happy sometimes, I’m going to England soon, August actually. I hope that will help my current disposition. I am happening to go to the gloomiest looking country in the world with rain every other hour but I’m excited for a change of scenery. I will be around yet another married couple but I will also venture out into the world, try and see it one step at a time, lots of pictures to be taken for sure.

Shouldn’t be like this, shouldn’t be so easy for me to fall apart at the drop of the hat. Even with the prospect of glorious adventure in my future, I can’t even remember it in my random times of despair. What am I going to do with myself? I was on meds, but I hated how they made me feel. I’d be fine during the day and a zombie at night. Hoping to get that fixed very soon, not looking forward to my doctor’s disappointed face and going back on meds. Just wish I had some kind of even playing field, like normal people who can function day to day without wanting to stay in bed and cry over simple things.

Oh to not be completely ridiculous all the time, that would be a welcomed change.

Song: Long Long Way by Damien Rice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5yRKJ-gU48

That Girl

So, long story short, I had a relationship(my first ever). It was strange and confusing and great and new and horrifying but it was a relationship none the less. Like all relationships that don't end in marriage, it had a break up. This one was rather abrupt and unsettling and it took me some time to get over it(*cough* 9 months *cough*). 

Since then I've been plagued with the longing for that closeness to another once again. Sighing at the sight of a man who looks to be around my age at every turn, hoping that he might be the next big adventure. Its driven me slightly mad, but only slightly. I certainly have become more outgoing. Even started experimenting with make up. 

Today I had a wonderful time at a friends birthday party and of course, since it was a card/board game/fantasy play party, I was the only girl. Each guy became a prospect until I found out if they were married or not. One guy really caught my eye and I was laughing up a storm with him. While I was waiting to get in the car for him to drive me home I thought for a second. Have I become one of those girls, that girl, that hunts for men. Dreaming of her wedding and the first kiss(not in that order). 

I use to laugh at girls that jumped from one relationship to the next. Girls who couldn't stand being single. I mean, I'm not crying myself to sleep(anymore) just cause I don't have a man beside me. But that longing is stronger that it has ever been before. I don't like it, it feels like a weakness, like I lost an ability. Sure, I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be important to someone or to have someone show interest in me on a personal level...romantic level. But now...Now I do a scan of all the men in the room that look to be around my age and fixate on them the entire time. 

Feels like I'm becoming something else...Something that I don't recognize in me.

Now I could go into a whole spew about the previous relationship...and all the crap that is tied to that but I won't because I'm done with fussing about that. Yes I do have to see said human's car every other day for hours at a time but its fine. It no longer drives me as crazy as it use to. Everything is fine. This whole hunter lover thing though, that's gotta go. Or I need to catch my prey....one of the two. 

Song: Love again by Pentatonix

www.youtube.com/watch?v=F80FsZDTgn0

Y is an ugly letter IV

Why do I only post on here when I'm feeling down(like, way way down)?

I've noticed that when I'm up, in my random oscillations of emotions(no I'm not bipolar), I tend to be out and about and then the down comes. Today the down hit hard for multiple reasons. I mean....its not like I haven't been down for six months, but I haven't been like this in a while. That run away feeling I get. 

But why here? Why do I talk about it here? Its a strange release I get from posting on here, from talking about my problems. 

Not going to go into detail about whats troubling my oh-so-susceptible-to-pain heart today but I will say this, running away is heavy on my mind. Maybe I need to just go on another trip. England seems to be the route of passage at the moment. 

Its so odd, people have been telling me how I've grown or changed. How I've become more vocal in my emotions and able to speak about how I feel instead of bottling it up and probably ending up here. Even now I'm starting to feel a little better. I guess I just need to get it out one way or another. 

Song: Crawling by Linkin Park

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd9OhYroLN0

Irrational Sadness

Been writing a lot of post and not posting them. 

I described to a friend of mine what I've been feeling like lately, during this very long and harsh winter. He described it as irrational sadness. No matter how much logic I apply to my thoughts, random and harsh as they are, I still can't make myself not be depressed/irritated/angry/bothered by them. 

All and all I think this is a good way to put it. Probably the best I've heard in a while. Cause its so not rational and it just takes over and ruins everything. 

Thinking of going to a doctor human. Seeing about getting some meds. Even if its just for the winter... I'm in need of assistance. 

Song: Giving me wings by The frames 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AXz5PiK_E0