Pathetic, its as if I never left high school. These stupid feelings of mine. I can't take in my own experiences, never satisfied. And don't even think about me going out there and living my life, no... no no no, I'm too smart, too educated, too wise to ever fall into the habits of those who make these silly mistakes. No, I will sit and watch, I will watch as they ruin their lives. Trudge through the mud and the stink to find their pearls while I wait for my pearls to be handed to me.
How tragic am I, how tortured, how misunderstood and unloved. Left to her crafts and friends, no one to hold under the moonlight. No man to lead her astray and teach her of tormented love. No father to show her how a man should treat a woman. No high school romance to visit in her mind for sweet memories of foolish days past. No, dear sweet quirky artistic luckily not repulsive God fearing slightly troubled Desi just watches from the sidelines. She judges with an iron set of standards that no one should live by. She sees the flaws in simple things and blows them out of proportion till they consume her everyday. She is fearless and afraid of everything. She wants for an impossible man and yet fears all and any man that might approach her.
The living breathing contradiction that allows movies, tv shows, and likewise to make her feel like a stone on the road. Uninteresting, stationary and without purpose. Why? Because she over sympathizes with the characters in these viewings. Placing herself in these roles and seeing what she would have done. Wondering if any one will ever feel for her that way. Wondering if someone will look to her and feel like everything will be okay cause she is in the world. Wondering if there will come a day when she will feel truly alive and have it all be thanks to that person who cares for them so deeply.
It's true. I really shouldn't watch these viewings anymore. They do nothing for me. Pathetic. I'm disappointed in myself. Well...I guess you don't get to be twenty-four and have never kissed a guy and walk away without feeling that something might be wrong with you. I once read that guys like confidence. Maybe that's the problem. I also once heard that more christian women are dying old and never married because they wait their whole life for God to give them a man. Gonna save my money...I'm gonna go travel...See England, Ireland, South Korea, Italy.... And yes, I am running away. I don't care. That's why I'm here in Florida. To run the cuss away. I have no problems here in Florida, no expectations, no responsibilities. No worries. Maybe I'll go to Hawaii too. Die old and alone, yet seasoned. That's fine I suppose.
Maybe...no more movies, tv shows, or likewise viewings....Haha...who am I kidding.
Need to love myself first huh....
Gotta stop staying up so late...
Gotta find a new name for this blog...
It'll come to me...
Song: Asleep by The Smiths
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy0NySCmuFU
Posts
