MILESTONE!! WHOO!!!

I did it! Today I went to best buy to get my computer fixed...which it isn't....anyhoo I talked to an Asian guy! I have spoken about my nervousness when talking to Asians, well that has always been Asian girls. I fear them, but when it comes to Asian guys I become a giggling little child. Today I was calm and collected, and he was so nice!

And its all thanks to my wonderful messenger bag! Yeah that's right, my bag brought me one step closer to my dream! On my bag there is a symbol from an anime called Ghost in the shell. Awesome show, well known, nice plot. Anyhoo, there is a character on that show called the laughing man and he has this symbol that he always uses in videos over his face. Everyone who has ever watched that show knows that symbol.

The guy at best buy saw it and said that he loved my bag and I said, right back at him " Oh thank you. Ghost in the shell is awesome."! OH I could leap for joy!! Yeah it was only, like, nine words or whatever but those are my nine words darn it!!! I was sweating so much! I'm so glad I finally did it. WHOOOO!! Now I must learn to be able to speak Japanese with a Japanese person. That will be a wonderful day. ^_^

A Short Truth About Being Naked

I hate it. There I said it. I hate being naked! I hate to shower because I hate being naked. Every day it is an ongoing fight with my mom over whether I will take a bath tonight or a bird bath or whether she will be pouring body wash on me to force me to wash it off. Now, I'm not saying that I enjoy being dirty but I do hate having to be naked...oh God I hate it!

Everyone always tells me that you should be proud of your naked body, that you should love your self whilst you are naked. Why can't I love myself while I have clothes on?! I remember when I was younger I used to bath with a bathing suit on...but then I grew out of the bathing suit and I haven't gotten around to buying a new one... T_T

With all the technology in the world you would think they would have found a way for people to get clean without having to strip down...I don't think I will ever do Whoo Hoo if it requires me to be nakie...That is a big NO! Every doctor I have had has had a hard time with me when they have to do a physical or when they try to say I have to have that duck thing done.

...*shudders*...naked....uhhhg...

We Fall Down...Again

Journey to Praying Part 2

Okay so...does it count if you fall back while you are half way asleep? I fell like it does but I wonder if there is a rule book I can consult. So it has been about four days since I started this journey to praying which will be a regular short thing just to help keep me on track. I was doing good I think, with praying and...I think I was trusting in God. Sometimes I felt like it was a chore or an assignment but it isn't...this is a life changing thingy.

I'm not so sure about whether or not you can call what I do "praying". Its just me talking while I'm by myself. Felt really silly the first few times but now I don't mind. Sometimes I don't even talk, I just think about what I want to do, what I've done and I encourage myself. I don't know if I am seeing results but my bad habits are not so frequent as they used to be. Its hard to stop and think and then not think about what you used to think about...

I was really upset with myself this morning. Its like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Which is physically impossible because my bed is up against the wall but you know what I mean...Like all that hard work was for nothing. Maybe its because I got a new mattress...I did have trouble staying asleep on it. Its just so firm!!! But like that song, that has been stuck in my head since I woke up, says "We fall down but we get up". So! Back to working hard! Whoo!

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

I was reading this very interesting manga about a girl who always looked to the stars for comfort, in her head they were always telling her that she was great and that she was doing her best and that it was amazing how well she was doing. In a way she needed that pick me up because no one else was telling her these things. Anyway, in the manga it was said that the stars only sparkle like that because of our atmosphere. If we went into space they would no longer sparkle, they would just be lights lost among all other lights.

After reading that I thought for a long time about what that meant to me. I've spent my whole life, gazing with star struck eyes at anyone of the Asian gene pool wishing I could be them. I even grew to hate my self and regret that I was even born...black. Every time I meet someone who is Asian I am so nervous and so scared that I can't even talk to them good enough to get to know them. I think that in my life time I have met over 20 Asians but have only become friends with 3. And even now I spend have my time around them making sure that I don't act like an idiot.

But its so pointless...to go your only life hating who you are. You don't get a second chance! You just don't and I would hate to spend the rest of my life hating myself because I wasn't born Japanese. I can't wake up tomorrow with new skin and hair and be living in harajuku. And I don't mean that starting now I will stop hating myself, no, this is a process just like that praying thing I'm working on. Its gonna take a while but I am working on it....doesn't mean I will stop loving Asians with all my heart. Even though I will acknowledge the fact that everyone does poop and everyone was made by the same God. They just happen to poop awesomely. ^_^ Just kidding.

Eww...yuck, these meatballs don't taste good anymore....sorry, eating while typing. Darn vegi food. I think I will just stick to killin cows.

Another manga I read, by the same mangaka as the last manga, had a wonderful part in it where one of the characters was seeing all the great qualities in others and couldn't find anything about himself that was special. A friend of his said that everyone is like rice balls. They look plain and they look around and everyone else has a special plum in their back. Different shapes and colors but you can't see your own because its on your back. She said that even now, someone might be feeling envious of something you don't recognize in yourself.

Anyway, I thought I would just share that. That mangaka always is very insightful and is able to grasp manga of peoples little humany quirks...if that makes any sense. Yeah....

Mangas:

Fruit baskets

Hoshi wa Utau

Music:

All is full of love by Bjork

Journey to Praying

Okay...

For a long time I have had big problems with my faith and with questioning everything. I tend to do the questioning to the point where I get mad and nothing gets done and I ultimately just give up. During bible study yesterday we talked a lot, I let things out that I hadn't talked about in a long time, I basically asked for help to save myself and what not.

So! I am going to start doing this whole praying thing regularly. Or at least I will do it daily. Since I check this daily I thought it would be a good idea for me to post this here so I can remind myself to actually follow through with it.

I need to build a relationship with god and this is how I am going to go about doing so. So watch out mp3 player, gospel music coming your way! Knitting will become my main pass time and I will try to spend less time on the computer and more time reading the bible. It shall almost kill me to spend less time on the computer but I shall try, I have to. Cause I'm sure going to hell wouldn't be much fun.

God Will Take Care of You by Plump

If you believe in yourself

When I was younger I remember very vaguely watching a movie called The Wiz. For those of you who don't know what that movie is, its sorta the...'black' version of the Wizard of Oz. I don't care either way if it was black or white but I gotta say I didn't like the original version. Personally I never knew why Dorthy had to go on such a trip until I watched the Wiz today for maybe the third time in my life. I finally understand that Dorthy didn't have faith in her self to do anything beyond what she had known all her life, some would say she wasn't moving forward. Going to Oz helped her to be put in situations where she was forced to do things she had never done before so she had to grow as a person.

Anyhoo, I was watching the movie with my mom and Dorthy was talking about how the lion just needed to believe in himself so he could have courage. My mom said "Why don't you take your own advice?" in a jokingly way towards the TV. I somehow took it to heart because I sympathized with Dorthy some how. Its easy to see that someone else needs to believe in them self and point them in the right direction but its so hard to see those same qualities in yourself. I also felt for the Tin man (Nipsey Russell)...probably the most out of all the characters. The song he sang in the Wiz was the best (I will post a link at the end of this). He didn't have a heart and sometimes I feel as if I don't have a heart, like nothing really touches my heart like it should.

The song at the end 'Home' also got to me. I sing along with that song just as loud as Diana Ross and with as much heart (I think I do anyway). Its so encouraging, I always feel like I can move forward with that song. Lena Horne sang Believe in yourself like no one else. I really feel uplifted when I hear that song. I just wish this believing in yourself thing would kick in a little easier. From time to time it gets really easy to fall backwards...

Strangely enough I also love the song Don't bring me no bad news by the evil witch of the west Evilene. I just love her no mess attitude. Some say I have the same attitude from time to time but I don't ever see it. Be a lion is such a great song, I just love the vocals. When the lion sings he sounds so proud with Dorthy's inspiring words holding him up. I just thought it was a really lovely song.

I would advise the movie to anyone who enjoys musicals and dancing. I don't really think that the movie being an all black cast should have anything to do with how good it is. I think it would have been just as good if the original movie had the same script...maybe...the girl who played Dorthy in that movie was REALLY annoying...anyhoo, its a good movie and if musicals are your thing you should check it out. ^_^

If I could feel by Nipsey Russel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p39CT8ZSvAk

Angels among us

I had a very interesting day today. It was scary at first and I spent a large part of it doubting my words and feeling very nervous but all that went away towards the end. Which is a real shame because I'm sure there would have been more to laugh about if I had just gone in head first with a calm demeanor.

For the first time in a long time I went out with a friend just to eat and get some yarn, since I just started knitting lately and this friend is teaching me ^w^. I was happy to go get yarn with her but going with her other two friends was what scared me. I have a fear of pregnant people for various reasons and one of them is pregnant and I'm sure the other one is just one step away from getting pregnant as well.

Anyhoo, my nervousness really had no grounds. These were some of the kindest people I have ever met. And they are funny without swearing or using gutter comedy or any of the other things that I do with my sister and mother. They seem really down to earth and they have a, what seems to be, natural love for God (something I sometimes lack and admire in others). I very rarely meet people like them. They are happy with little things like gummy worms and lace for booties that they knit for their cousins. I was filled with so much joy just being able to buy some yarn with them, being able to make them laugh, talking with them for more than one minute.

Sometimes when I am around people like them I feel like I am acting fake because I am not as pure at heart as they seem to be. And I know that they aren't 'pure' because they are married for goodness sake and one of them is pregnant and unless she is like me and would want artificial insemination rather than doing whoo hoo she knows a few things that the angels in heaven will never know. But they are a pure in the sense that they seem to be more indulged in the happy things in life rather than the....things I hold on to...

It was also a very different experience because they were all married and I had never been around so many married people at the same time. I tend to stay home a lot...But when I listen to them talk about their husbands and their lives at home I wonder how they ever live without their husband being by their side all the time. I know its not good to be clingy but they way they explain things it seems like having a husband means having someone in your life who is a really big part of your life. It kind scares me...to think that another human would have such a big influence in my life...someone other than God that is...

Anyway, I was just happy to be around them and I am glad that I can be around them more on mondays for knitting group. I'm so glad that I am learning to knit. It really has calmed me down and it has made me friends with a really great person.

Song of the day!

(something new I'm gonna do from now on)

Angels Would Fall by Melissa Etheridge

Life in song (so far)

There is one thing in this world that I love so much and that I would miss dearly when we leave this world. Music is one of the most wonderful things in my life, even though I can not make music and I am just an okay singer, I think I would have had an pretty empty exsistance without music in my life. So! I have decided to type up what my life was like though a series of songs. Like how my last post was so much like that song Alone by Heart. Great song, wonderful vocals, really big 80's sound lol.

So it took me a while but I have gathered up most of the songs that have sumed up some of the most important parts of my life. Like when I was born I picture my life like Happy happy joy joy from Ren and Stimpy and I'll throw my toys around by No Doubt. I was slightly crazy with a splash of happiness and joy. Then everything changed when my mom made us move to this frozen waste land that is Michigan and my life became a lot like Goodbye to you By Michelle Brach. Then I started school here and I was kinda happy until I got to know people and I was totally different then them and I didn't have any friends until I was in the fifth grade for the second time ( >_> I was held back...shut up, depression is a killer! ). So I was left feeling like Is it real by Yoko kanno, Over my head by the Fray, Unwanted by Avril Lavigne, and Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple until about my last year of middle school.

By that time I was feeling so much like Bad Reputation by Joan Jett and Fritz's Corner by Local H, I just stopped caring I guess. I went though this stupid rebellious faze and it wasn't even the normal kind, I didn't rebel against my mom or anything I just rebelled against everything that anyone was doing at school. It was so dumb and I kinda pushed people away by doing that which was stupid because those were the people I cared about the most. So that left me feeling a bit like The hand that feeds by Nine inch nails. So I was lost and confused around then and I felt a lot like Somewhere I belong by Linkin park and Let me fall by Alexz Johnson. Mind you this was all during my freshman year. I was such an idiot. Finally when I got comfortable in school I kinda went through a calm, it was like Voices by Yoko Kanno and Akino Arai and Beautiful life by Charlotte Martin. But during that calm I spent a whole lot of time trying to fix everybody else. Left me feeling a lot like There for you by Flyleaf, Never far behind by Aly and Aj, and Look what you've done by Jet (because I was being a totally self absorbed brat, thinking I could judge others) from time to time. Then I started to get serious about life throughout my Junior year and it was like Asymetrical Threats by Maserati. Senior year I was like I got this, all confident and knowing the flow of things feelin like Feeling good by Michael Buble and Kirakuni by Crystal Kay.

During graduation I was filled with the wonderful song Dancing by Elisa. Afterwards there was this feeling of Trouble by Coldplay and Living inside the shell from Ghost in the shell. Like after leaving high school I went back to living inside myself. Not really moving towards the future even though I had plans. Plans that were changed for me and swept under the rug. For a while I felt like From the inside by Linkin park and Forgotten by Avril Lavigne. I was so angry and I think I still am. Makes me feel like the person they are talking about in A place for my head by Linkin park. That's not the person I wanted to be so I just accepted that my life was kinda like Out of my hands by Dave Matthews Band.

So every now and then recently I dive into songs like Sullen Girl and Let me fall. Even though now I am more like Going on by Gnarls Barkley, The way things are by Fiona Apple, What I've done by Linkin park(even though I do enjoy the version Marié Digby sang on youtube), and Black Bird and There are places I remember by the Beatles. I'm left feeling like Soul mate by Natasha Bedingfield and Blurry by Puddle of mud sometimes. That's the wonderful thing about music to me, even though you are feeling these ways someone out there has already felt this way and has a song about it for you to listen to. Kinda like a 'your are not alone' kinda feeling, its nice.