Movies and snot

Not too long ago I was told 'no more movies, tv shows, or likewise' and I believe is it for a very good reason. Sometimes I tend to come off as uncaring when it comes to others trials and hardships. Often I can be quoted for saying that I don't learn from others, or reading about people's lives doesn't help make me feel differently about anything. Now, at 3:12 a.m. I must say that it just isn't so. It never has been so, all that has been is the fear (or knowledge) that I would never experience what those people have. 

Pathetic, its as if I never left high school. These stupid feelings of mine. I can't take in my own experiences, never satisfied. And don't even think about me going out there and living my life, no... no no no, I'm too smart, too educated, too wise to ever fall into the habits of those who make these silly mistakes. No, I will sit and watch, I will watch as they ruin their lives. Trudge through the mud and the stink to find their pearls while I wait for my pearls to be handed to me.

How tragic am I, how tortured, how misunderstood and unloved. Left to her crafts and friends, no one to hold under the moonlight. No man to lead her astray and teach her of tormented love. No father to show her how a man should treat a woman. No high school romance to visit in her mind for sweet memories of foolish days past. No, dear sweet quirky artistic luckily not repulsive God fearing slightly troubled Desi just watches from the sidelines. She judges with an iron set of standards that no one should live by. She sees the flaws in simple things and blows them out of proportion till they consume her everyday. She is fearless and afraid of everything. She wants for an impossible man and yet fears all and any man that might approach her. 

The living breathing contradiction that allows movies, tv shows, and likewise to make her feel like a stone on the road. Uninteresting, stationary and without purpose. Why? Because she over sympathizes with the characters in these viewings. Placing herself in these roles and seeing what she would have done. Wondering if any one will ever feel for her that way. Wondering if someone will look to her and feel like everything will be okay cause she is in the world. Wondering if there will come a day when she will feel truly alive and have it all be thanks to that person who cares for them so deeply. 

It's true. I really shouldn't watch these viewings anymore. They do nothing for me. Pathetic. I'm disappointed in myself. Well...I guess you don't get to be twenty-four and have never kissed a guy and walk away without feeling that something might be wrong with you. I once read that guys like confidence. Maybe that's the problem. I also once heard that more christian women are dying old and never married because they wait their whole life for God to give them a man. Gonna save my money...I'm gonna go travel...See England, Ireland, South Korea, Italy.... And yes, I am running away. I don't care. That's why I'm here in Florida. To run the cuss away. I have no problems here in Florida, no expectations, no responsibilities. No worries. Maybe I'll go to Hawaii too. Die old and alone, yet seasoned. That's fine I suppose.

Maybe...no more movies, tv shows, or likewise viewings....Haha...who am I kidding. 

Need to love myself first huh....
Gotta stop staying up so late...
Gotta find a new name for this blog...

It'll come to me...

Song: Asleep by The Smiths

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy0NySCmuFU

Plans

What's the best way to make God laugh? Make a plan.

It's hard to make plans when fear of failure is your foundation. I let that fear guide my choices for the last year and a half lately...it hasn't been very helpful at all...So, I graduated from southwestern Michigan college with an associates in Graphic Design. It was great, I figured I had it all made and perfect. Then I needed to get my bachelors degree, simple. I'll just go to the nearest school that has a bachelor for Graphic Design. Andrews University was the best plan to make...at the time. 

Looking back...there isn't actually anything wrong with Andrews University. It is a fine school with high morals and expectations. I just couldn't stand the fact that I had failed. I had to work harder for what I needed to achieve and I couldn't give more than I was trying to give. For some reason, it just wasn't in me. You can never say I didn't try and go to Andrews, I did. I just wasn't achieving what I wanted so I gave up. I gave up to escape the encroaching darkness of failure. I was failing two of the four classes, not getting enough chapel hours, falling behind on the deadlines for projects, and my quality of work was so low beyond the standard that they wanted that it seemed to them like a joke when I presented my work. I left Andrews after one semester. $6300 in debt, angry with myself for being so foolish, completely embarrassed, and without any plan for the future. 

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps. That saying makes no sense. 

So I tried to get up and move on. Find a new college, near by but not as close as Andrews. I move on to IUSB thinking that it would be cheaper than Andrews and that I might have a better time without chapel breathing down my back. But still within me was the weight of fear and the embarrassment of my failure at Andrews. What did I do? I decided that I didn't like the IUSB building, that it felt too much like a law firm. I whined about how they didn't hold my hand through the process and guide me to every little thing that I needed to have done. I gave up before there was even a chance to fail. And because of how weird I am, most people around me simply accepted my rejection of the school for simple reasons. I once denied a child a bath because he wanted a killer whale toy to bathe with. I do strange things...

So now, here I am...This entire year I have done nothing. The craziness at Andrews started in fall of 2011 and ended that December. I spent the rest of the time from then to now baby sitting and moping about. I also spent that time trying to figure out what it really is that I want to do in this life. I still don't know...The support that I was unhealthily dependent upon was hundreds of miles away, my reason for going to school (so I could go to Korea and teach English/eat Korean food/have my way with their men) was coming to the light and it looked not only pathetic but pointless and full of work that I wasn't willing to put forth, and the things that I have interest in (crocheting/knitting/sewing/watching anime) have no value in the real world other than to be a pretty hobby (not a living). 

Once again, I was lost. So I planned to go back to southwestern, to try and get some more art classes. Just to be doing...Something....Turns out that I can't go back and be covered by financial aide if I am trying to go back under the same degree that I already have a degree in. It’s confusing but in the end, I can't go back. I can't go backwards. I don't see a forward. Doldrums. Once again, doldrums. Always.

Plans. I have no plans. I have no direction. I have no idea what I am doing. 

To appease those around me...and so that I don't slip into madness. I am going to either get a job...since I do have a degree. Or go to IUSB and stop denying them simply because they have a really stuffy feeling to them and they won't hold my hand. That is my plan at the moment. It’s not much and I don't even know if it will work but it is my plan. There are so many around me going through worse things than I am, so many who are struggling and would kill to be in my situation. But it is like a thick fog is over me, in the moment I can't even see that as a way to dig myself out. I'm aware of it but it doesn't present itself as an answer or a comfort. It’s simply a fact that I can't hold on to. 

So there it is. That's my place right now. I have...plans...I suppose you can call them that. But they aren't meaning much at the moment. Not a whole lot is. 

Still no new name for the blog....Guess that's cause I haven't stopped whining...It'll come to me. 

Song: I Am by Train

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdPhTw_b1xw

My...whatever...is all screwy...

Do you ever hear seven or eight voices talking in your head at the same time? Some wondering what to do, some putting you down, some recalling old memories and sayings, and some are trying to get you to get your life together. I hear these voices a lot when I am tired, when I am going to bed. I feel a turmoil and a tumbling in my heart..or my head really. It would seem that the heart is just an organ yet we give it so much power. We are to think with it, let it guide us, trust in it, love with it, and use it to pump blood. Busy little fella. 

I guess then that there is turmoil in my head. Or my spirit, or my body. I can't tell. All these voices and thoughts and feelings running about. Its hard to push past them and get down to what I really need to be doing. I need to do so much and I want so much for myself and I just don't see any of it happening. Remembering to take things one day at a time is quite hard to do when the next few days just seem impossible. If I remember correctly, whining is supposed to start disappearing from this little blog of mine. It'll be a process...apparently. 

All the voices, telling me where to go, most of the time contradicting each other. Breathing is weird, a strange tug with every breath. What is this? I should focus on my crafts. I have four dolls to finish and six owl hats to do. That should keep me and my mind busy for a while. Until I lay my head down to sleep. 

Today my sister told me that she feels sorry for me, apparently because I am without direction or purpose and without her ability to simply keep moving on. These are all things I already know I am struggling with, but for some reason...to hear her say that has really rattled me up inside. As if she is looking down on me, like I'm something to pity and throw spare change to. Its so strange how this is troubling me inside. I should sleep. My mind is going a mile a minute. I should sleep. 

Still don't have a new name for my blog...It'll come to me...

 Song: Imaginary by Evanescence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQgfrjMXy_w

Ecclesiastes

I once read that Ecclesiastes isn't for everyone, I agree. 

Of course I would agree to a lot of things, like butterflies aren't for everyone. Nor are whales, white raisins, and bunnies. But Ecclesiastes has changed the way I look at life. It has changed the way I feel about my choices and the things I will and will not bother with. It has made me hopeful and yet completely hopeless in many areas in my life. Maybe I read it wrong, although it is quite straight forward. 

Oh this blog...I want to stop whining all the time. Its all I do, something goes wrong? Whine about it without any intention of getting better and making steps towards a better future. No, stay stagnant and wish for a miracle to fix everything for you. I'm pathetic. This blog is pathetic. I'm so angry with myself and how I've allowed myself to end up. Everything means nothing to me, everything means nothing indeed. What has all this amounted to? So useless, this whining. And where, pray tell, is my ability to change this course I am on? Where is my conviction and guiding force in moving me away from these doldrums of my vapid life? 

Its alright. Its meaningless. 

Every night I stare at the cieling and ask God, "What should I be doing, where am I going, what am I here for" and I fall right asleep. It isn't my battle to fight. Its not my problem. Worrying and prattling about is the biggest insult...I'm so offensive. 

Oh meaninglessness. 

I can only do my best. I can only keep going. Get out of bed each day and try my best to love others and God and...yeah. That's all I can really do. Whining, that's not a part of the big picture. I've got to get rid of that. Time for a new name for this blog of mine. Maybe no more whining....maybe a previously whiny girl. Not a girl anymore...Lady? Lady who previously dabbled in whining? It'll come to me. 

Coming to write this post I felt so angry and empty and tired. Now I feel a bit better, little complacent. Still fearing a stagnant future though. It'll come to me. 

Song: Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qK_RijnIri4

       

Fraud of a Girl

Lately I feel as if I am pushing myself to be something I'm not. I feel as if I'm being nothing but deceitful and fake to everyone I know. It seems insane that people see me as honest and kind and loving. All I can see is how cruel and hateful and how much of a liar I have become. Growth since baptism...ha. I know what this is, this hopelessness, this complete lack of direction...this lack of faith in myself and God. Its not healthy and it stems from despair which only comes from Satan. Why do I let him into my heart with such welcoming arms for him to settle in and crawl into every crevice of my life.
I know what to do to free myself from his grasp but I cling to my old ways because I am lazy and evil at heart. There seems to be no hope for me. I have no root... seed scattered on rocks. 

Love to me is only a means to try and understand God. I can't live like this. 
Responsibility is a welcomed burden only to receive praise.
Emptiness and lack of conviction is my home. So many feel like I do. Why God?
Faith is non-exsistent in my heart. How does one gain faith?
I seek others to fix me even though I know they have their own problems. Is that where my faith lies?
Pride rest in my mediocre talents and my shame. I'm boastful of my own pain as if it is a badge of war. 

Then there is this, my blog wherein I seek attention for my mishaps and misfortunes and small victories. A platform to cry out as a baby cries because it has no other means of communication. Seasonal Affective Disorder must be kicking in... I see how to fix myself and I really just don't feel any want to take the steps towards the brighter path. These thoughts, this hole I nestle into and call home from time to time. They come in waves that crash against my ability to function and feel the things I should feel. Tomorrow might be different, the wave might have passed.
Today the wave was strong, so here I am. Calling out in seek of some release. Hopefully things will be better soon. Winter is coming, this'll be interesting...

Song: Everything means nothing to me by Elliott Smith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dye5BmmEdco

So Confused...

Its my fault, I shouldn't have clicked the image. I suppose I was looking to see of they had any legitimate reasons to be so adamant about their anger. All I saw was hate, hate and cruelty and a total lack of God in their heart.

Let me just start by saying this, I don't give a shit whether you are Republican or Democrat. It really doesn't matter, both won't be there in heaven. None of this matters! But if you don't understand love, if you don't understand caring for people even when they don't agree with you and they just plain outright spit in the face of your way of life. You must be able to love them anyway. What I saw today brought tears to my eyes. 

Facebook should ban these organizations as a hate crime. Barack Obama's dead fly, was the most hateful thing I've seen...ever. This isn't just about Barack Obama, this is about the Muslim people, this is about the "american" way of life, this is about pure ignorance and hateful hearts. Seeing a picture of people peacefully practicing their religion and to then see people boldly post "bomb them, kill them, they need to be strung up by a short rope, anyone who supports Islam isn't innocent, burn the Qur'an"...

Why does it have to be like this. Truly, the people who post these things call themselves God respecting people. I just don't understand. I have quite a few friends who don't agree with me politically, they don't all see eye to eye with me on ways of life but I still love them. I still await the day when that won't even be a part of a conversation. 

Being american means one thing, if you have the ability you can say/do/be/act/care for anything you want. Some say that makes this the greatest country on earth, I personally believe that it makes us susceptible to unwarranted cruelty towards things we don't understand nor wish to understand. We all live different lives, its almost impossible to always see from someone elses point of view.  For example, I can't understand someone who professes to love God and want to be like him but they take away programs that could help someone stay healthy, educated, and in a home. 

No one is perfect, there will always be ignorance, always be hatred. I just prefer to love others. I want everyone to get along...This earth is so crazy... america is so crazy (yes I know I'm not capitalizing it, you can't make me). I really can't wait for all this to be over and we can just go about loving others without a second thought. My heart really hurts, I'm disappointed in man kind today. Hoping in Christ.

Song: Peace Train by Cat Stevens

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLJcT_bXEvY&feature=fvst

Who's that girl?

You know how when you are a child and your mommy shows you pictures of yourself as a baby you look at it and ask "who's that?" and your mommy will promptly say "well that's you my beautiful baby, when you were little". If you are a very literal child, as are some of the ones I baby sit, you will respond "It doesn't look like me". Imagine that when you're 24 and you are seeing a picture of yourself from yesterday. That would best explain how I am feeling right now (and have felt since I was about nine). 

I don't know if it is some sense of misplaced idea of how I think I should look or I simply don't look in the mirror enough, either way I never seem to recognize myself whenever I see...well...me. Sure I know its me because I'm not a complete idiot nor am I completely insane (yet). That doesn't change the fact that the pictures I see and when I walk in front of a mirror, the eyes staring back at me just don't look like mine. My smile always seems off, my skin doesn't look like my own, I'm always so much fatter than I think I am (which is probably why I always bump into stuff, I don't account for my size), and my eyes always seem so empty. 

Am I crazy? Have I, as my British friend use to say, gone off? 

Even "nice" pictures of me where in I could say that the person in the picture looks reasonably pretty don't look like me. Or rather I look at it and almost immediately say "who's that girl". All this seems to scare me, I'm afraid that it will affect how I view myself if or when I ever get into a relationship...if or when. 

 I don't know, these are random thoughts of a sleepy girl who should be BANNED from thinking all together. Maybe if the republicans win this election Romney will ban thinking for women because he thinks its wrong. That would actually be helpful (sarcastic disclaimer, I am pro end of earth/coming of Jesus, not pro Romney). 

Whatever, I think I just need sleep. Even though, knowing my mind, I will probably continue to think of this well through the week. I still need to sleep it off for right now. This random rant is brought to you by fat! It'll change how you look (this is not just about my fat...although that part of me is crazy annoying...whatever) 

sleep. 

 Song: Livin' Like A Bug Ain't Easy by Brendon Small 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzNfXVkYi_Q

(Who the cuss is this?)

We forget

I was thinking back on how I always viewed God, before everything got all complicated in my head brain. Back then I always saw him as just there, dealing out blessings where he saw fit and that was it. Not much of my view of him changed over the years, even after my baptism. Laying here I remembered that God is just everything. He is love and wrath, laughter and a stern hand, kindness and sadness, plague and overflowing blessings, he is purity and all knowing and forgiving and never forgetting. God is holy and he deserves praise and adoring love and respect. Complete respect, I have always loved God but I never truly respected God.

For years I would always write the word God with a lower case g, my mother would always correct  me and I never saw it as a big deal. Its so crazy that you can love someone and not respect them. That is an incomplete love, I want to respect God and love him fully. That is my prayer now, to learn to respect God and love him with care for who he is and always will be. I know his love for me will never go away even if I slip up and fail him routinely. His love never changes, even as I stress myself over small things till I induce an early period and my hair starts to fall out (its been a crazy few weeks), he is still there. 

I don't have to fear storms anymore. They are there for a reason, to draw me closer to God, to encourage me to lean on him and not my comforts. Even if this is just a glimpse of clarity in my many storms, I will cling to it and learn from it and I will praise him for it. This post is not whining, this is a praise. 

Songs: I will praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns

Jesus paid it all by Fernando Ortaega

Hide & Come Find Me

When I was little I had gone to work with my mother, my sister and I got bored. We went through out the building going to other people's offices and taking their candy. One day I got separated from my sister and went into the filing room and hid in-between the shelves, I was really small back then. The whole time I was hiding I was giddy thinking of my mom and sister's face when they would find me. Then time went by, I was getting tired of hiding but I didn't move. My butt hurt and I was starting to get this thought in the back of my head that they weren't even looking for me. I started to think about how they would never find me. 


I felt that way today but on another level. Today I all but ran away from home, once again finding it preferable to run from my problems rather than face them head on. I came home after baby sitting, went to my room and promptly turned around and grabbed my bike and rode away. I didn't know where I was going at first. None of it made any sense. I just kept going till I ended up at my old house. Still having the key it wasn't a problem getting in. So here I am, five hours later still hiding. Wondering if I should go home. I REALLY don't want to go back home right now. And above all I just don't want to be found. 


Back in Maryland when I was younger I would randomly cry to my mother that I wanted to go home. I would cry this when we were in fact at the place one would normally call home. She would always coo at me and say that I was home, I was always so distraught that I would either be moved to tears or a mild state of depression. Right now I find myself wanting to go home but not to the place I should call home. Even in this house that I used to call home, I still want nothing more than to go home. I really wish I knew where home was. 


Emotionally things have been heavy lately...I either need to snap out of it or go into hibernation. I hope that eventually I can just get over what is wrong with me. Whatever it is, I'm quite sure I'm going about it all wrong and it is just making matters worst. 

Song: Sleep don't weep by Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he6x-pMgTKo

Lost & Found

So...today I came home from watching dancing after a long day of watching children and my cat was missing. There are lots of peoples in my house right now so I wasn't too surprised at the notion of one of them opening the door and forgetting to close it and Miko getting out. Once I looked in ALL of Miko's hiding places I kinda just sat down and continued to wrap my hair to go to bed, I just didn't really care.

Mel then encouraged me to go out and find him so I walked around the house shaking his bag of food, calling his name, and looking in dark places with all the enthusiasm of drugged sloth. I just couldn't find it in me to want to find this cat. I concluded that he was gone to go live his life and now I can go live mine and we have parted ways. He was done with my crap and I was CERTAINLY done with his!

I came back inside after another round about the house and went back to wrapping my hair, my oldest nephew came in and told me that my cat was behind the couch the whole time (a place he has recently adopted to escape the children, also a place my youngest niece had checked before I went searching). Mike went trotting into my room and laid on my bed just to mock me with his presence. Then he left again and I was left to think about how this made me feel. 

This is not the first time recently that losing something or something that I love has become something that I simply don't care for anymore. I have lost the passion for certain things in my life that used to bring me great joy. Just as I was typing that I thought maybe I have become more guarded, closing myself off to certain things so I don't feel let down or disappointed or severely hurt after things or people go away or fail me in some way. I guess I have been feeling that way for a while now, closed off to a lot of stuff in my life. Trying not to hurt anymore. 

Its like I just don't have a single cuss to give anymore. 

Song: Every single night by Fiona Apple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzoQolIDlTw

No more Mrs. Chubby Nice Chicka!

I have started something that might be the start of something!!

Yesh, that made....tons of sense. Anyhoo! Since about...my birthday or so I have been trying this thing where I have lowered my portions of food to more or less the recommended amount, I've been encouraging myself to workout more, and I have been trying to drink more water. I have noticed no change in my outward appearance but I am going to keep going!

My workouts include riding my bike to places I need to go to rather than getting a ride if the distance is reasonable, doing zumba in the privacy of my room with my zumba jingle skirt/sash, and taking a walk or two when I can. I like my walks, especially with friends and my sister. I hope to make this a regular thing even if it doesn't result in my losing too much weight. 

 More or less I would rather just be healthy. Its on my list of things to do in order to be happy. That list includes random things like being more honest with church members, no more sweets, stop cussing, spend less time on the computer(check), no more tv/computer shoes after 12 am, stop complaining all the time, smile, accept invitations to go to the gym and or hikes, pray more, start reading the bible again, download more gospel/praise music, Love God/yourself more, eat less meat, buy more lady like clothes, set aside a savings, get drivers license, rely less on others, keep bed room clean, etc.

I need things to change and I hope this can be a good start. Its hard to keep on track when you have family visiting but I think that I have done a good job so far. Pray for me my seldom readers, I want SOMETHING in my life to last. This would be nice. 

Song: Two Shades of Hope by Foy Vance

http://youtu.be/_VrTjLeB1F8

Whiny

I I I I, me me me me, why why why why....

The whininess of a girl indeed...

song: Sorrow by The National

Today has been a trial...A trial indeed.

Float On

Today was a very special day. Along with the wonderful visit of my nieces and nephews for the next month, there came a wonderful visit to the beach. Of course, we go to the beach every summer but this visit was special. Today I learned how to float, float and then float on where ever the current took me and I wasn't afraid. It was the most special thing that I've done since painting for the first time three days ago. Today, I let go. 

Some might be thinking: "Floating? Whats the big deal?" Well, my good hotmen, I will tell you what the big deal is. You see, my sister and I are very analytical people. We analyze everything about ourselves and are sometimes very self aware. A while back, about three years ago I analyzed floating in the very same beach I floated in today. In fact, I analyzed my inability to float and how I correlated it to my relationship to God. Not having faith, not trusting, fearing something I can't see or hear or be warned about. Its all very possible that I over analyzed it but that is how I saw the situation at the end of the day. 

Being able to float today was a small revelation. Just letting the waves move me where they will was amazing, staring up at the sky and seeing it as a big blue cap just made everything around me seem simple and very minute. Of course in the moment of contemplating this new found freedom and clarity my nephew and nieces found it imperative to splash water in my face and or make a loud noise behind me.


Despite the distractions, I felt so calm in the water. The inability to hear, the clear sky above, the weightless feeling, pure clarity. Somehow I found myself singing Florence + the machine's 'what the water gave me'. I kinda really wouldn't frown upon the idea of having a pool when I get older, floating sounds the perfect type of meditation. 

Song: Float On by Modest Mouse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWvh85Qd8us

Going forward, coming back

For the past...since last may...geez it has been a year...anyhoo since last year I have been moping around everywhere I go cause I never have enough money, to go to England. I never have enough food, to last me till I go to England. I never have enough work to do, to save up so I can go to England. My life, mind, and money revolved around getting to England. Everything else was a chore and further reminded me that I simply was not in England. Once upon a time that destination was Japan but that was a long time ago and Japan didn't house two...three of the most important people I ever met. At least that is what I thought. 

This morning I had worship for the first time in a VERY long time. I prayed, told God I was going to spend this time with him, which I did. I listened to a hymn, then I listened to psalms 115 and then listened to some more songs about God, which I am still doing. Above all that I wept. I wept and I felt peace. I felt how much I was truly missing that most important person in my life. I love my friends like I will never love any one else but I miss and adore and love and cherish and worship and live for the love and time I spent with God. Crap, crying again. I love the love he has brought into my life, the people he has allowed me to meet. How he has changed me and shown me the errors in my life and how I can change and be better. 

His love was shining through my friends so powerfully and I missed that so much, but looking past them I was missing my savior. I'm not sure how to keep this up, how to stay with him and his peace because I have so much clutter and earthly things that I also cling to. Its not going to be easy but I want what I had back in my life. It won't be the same because, like I said, he has changed me but I still want nothing more right now than to be in his presence like this again. 

I was hesitant to write this blog but then I remembered that I want to share whenever God is in my life and I want to share when I feel his blessing. I hope this is a blessing to someone, I hope someone will read this and spend time with God again maybe after being away for a long time. He is still there, waiting for you to turn to him. It doesn't have to be a long time, what ever you can give, he wants to spend time with you. Just you and God. 

I'm loving God's love right now. That about sums it up. 

Song: Come to Jesus

By: Chris Rice

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1T-VfypD8j4

P.S. Special thanks to my lovely friend who God brought into my life that came by this morning simply to give me a hug. I love my pixie squirrel! 

Top 10!

Top ten things I love to do when feeling empty!

10. Play games on my phone

Watch the hours pass by like minutes and further acknowledge that you are failing to do anything worthwhile with your life.

9. Watch the news

Comment on how everything is pointless and we will all die one day and eat more nutella.

8. Dress up in random stockings and skirts

Feel momentarily pretty in your cute clothes but then acknowledge that you will never in a hundred years wear these cloths outside the house for fear of the powerful jiggle monster that is your body!

7. Put on any random makeup and perfume

And feel completely awkward about it because you never wear make up anyway and it never looks right no matter what and somehow you have managed to smell like you bathed in the perfume when you only just used a dab.

6. Stare aimlessly at the wall from the floor in the futile position

Try to think of nothing and realize once again that your thoughts, along with everything else in your life, are completely out of your control.

5. Read past journal entries

Notice that you were just as screwed up in the past as you are now and be able to note how little growth there really has been in the last few years.

4. Watch hours of dancing

Spend every minute wondering how it would feel to live their life and enjoy the ability to feel and express through motion without your center of gravity completely throwing you off.

3. Stare at craft projects and know that they will never get done

Then pick up the yarn and or fabric then put it back down repeatedly knowing that you won’t get anything done today.

2. Eat Nutella off a spoon *

Then complain about feeling fat and eat another spoon full!

1. Pray randomly and ask God to fix it

Then go right back to rolling in the very depths of depression.

Rinse and repeat!

ENJOY!!

* Nutella is the key to everything, feel free to apply it during all other steps as well!

Song: Where have you been? by Manchester Orchestra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF_F5974B7I