Wow, it's been five years. Holy crap a lot has happened. That's not what this post is about. This issue has been on my mind for a while and I need to get it out or else it might consume me. I have lately been asking a lot of questions of my church friends and family members. They don't necessarily like it but here we are. The question I am faced with is "to fap or not to fap". 
Now to do a bit of catch up, I hadn't figured out accepting my own body until around september of 2019. I didn't figure out completion (a word I'm using as an attempt to be gentle) until around january 2020. This is all very new and sudden to me and confusing. I once asked my friend, "how does one masturbate in the name of the Lord?". That got a loud HA out of her and no real answer or direction. What really has me reeling is the ethical way to go about masturbation and what to have on the mind. Most humans just watch some porn and ride off into that good night having watched some poorly made ten minute video with actors who aren't too pleased to be there. Don't wanna go down that route, has too many hang ups and addictive issues attached. Then there is the issue of thinking of someone else, like a person I know or a celebrity that I have an unhealthy attachment to.
For some reason in the middle of the night a thought came to me. Is fantasizing about another person a form of molestation or rape even if they never find out about it? I mean, people get molested in their sleep and never know about it but it doesn't make it okay. Is it disrespectful or unethical to involve someone in your fantasies without their consent?
Then we are faced with another issue. What are the adolescents, single people, and widowers supposed to do? Is there a way to go about this expression of sexual energy, which is natural because God made us all as sexual beings, that doesn't involve unethical methods? I get it. Humans, we suck, we do what we know we shouldn't do and what we should do we don't do. Things done in secret are often kept there and unspoken. Since several thousand years of doing that doesn't seem to be working, how about we talk about it?The word pudenda means be ashamed. This is what has been taught about our sexual organs for so long. We don't talk about masturbation, we don't talk about premarital sex unless we are trying to get people not to do it, we don't talk about adolescents being naturally sexual beings who need to know what to do with their feelings, we don't talk about where marriage fits in today's world as careers and freedom has become more important than building a family.
I'm going to be an art therapist in a year and a half and I can't keep going down unhealthy paths, it doesn't work for me anymore. I need to move down paths that support my mental health or I will be on suicidal trip number four (no one enjoyed the first three). So, talk to me. Talk to me about these things that we have convinced ourselves not to talk about. Be brave and ask questions. Most of us are still in quarantine, what else do you have going on?
Song: Siren by Joan Shelley
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbhQGAzxDnc
Also, I wanna say that I’m sorry to anyone who was made uncomfortable by this blog, but not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away. Feel free to send me a message and we can talk about how well avoidance is working.
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