MILESTONE!! No. 2

I drove...a little. It was snail like and it was so sad but I did it!

Despite Jodi telling Jonathan that it was too dark outside for me to drive, he insisted on me driving out to the end of the drive way. And it was dark, it was around 10:30 or so....and I was stalking their house again....

Anyway! Jonathan was telling me about how to hold down the brakes and only to use one foot and how to put it in gear and how to turn the wheel with both hands and such.. Then he got out the car and I thought it was kidding but I actually drove! I was so scared and so happy! yay! I was so scared that he was gonna make me drive onto the road but he didn't.

I know its small and not a big deal but Its the first time that I actually drove...at 5 miles per hour...down a road and had to turn a little! ^_^ yay for moving forward!

Song: Into the Rush by Aly & AJ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW2rJore_Ew

Operation Life Change GO!!!

Okay so, I have been going through this journy to prayer thing and trying to figure myself out so I can get closer to God and be ready for when Jesus comes. I've tried to take some steps on my own to alter little bits of the person I am so I can still be me and be with God but I keep contradicting myself and the old me keeps getting in the way. To get the big picture, the person I am right now is not a person that is ready to accept God and that is not who I want to be.

SO! I have been going through the stages of making some MAJOR ULTRA UBER EPIC changes in my life and its no off and on thing this time! Now I'm not saying that me as a person is going to be gone, I'm just saying that this attitude I have about everything in life needs to go, cause it isn't helping the big picture to be visible for me.
I have made a small list of things I need to go about changing in my life. And here it is! ^_^

• I need to pray more. Not just before bed, during the day and when I wake up.
• No more lying to myself and making excuses to justify my actions, either its wrong or its not.
• Must stop eating meat so much. I know its bad and I can't keep doing it just because it taste good.
• No more of those mangas. (I know what I'm talking about)
• Care more about your neighbors. Its okay to care about your fellow man if one dies or has something bad happen to them. Just don't go debbie downer over board with it.
• Read your bible more! (>w<) just do it!
• Start moving forward. Exercise, get that drivers license, and get ready for college. No more excuses.
• And stop over thinking everything. Just do it.

These are done in no particular order mind you. I'm going to do this. I'm tired of saying that I'm going to change and then I just give up in a week. Not this time. I am going to do this, come what may.

Song : Innocent Green by Yoko Kanno

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q41gPYrK_3k

Cabin Fever

def : a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, for an extended period. Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, forgetfulness, laughter, and excessive sleeping.

I has that.

On days when I am not working, I never leave the house. I just don't find reasons to, nor do I want to. Recently my neighbor left for vacation from Thursday till today when they returned. The whole time they were gone I was watching their pets. Letting them out to pee and feeding them. But their dog was very needy and she howled whenever I wasn't over there for a long period of time. It got to the point where I had to sleep on their couch and basically live in their house for the last couple of days. I was lucky to break away yesterday and go to work, which was really what I needed for a long time.

I always thought that there was nothing out in the world that I needed or that I couldn't get while staying at home. I can't live like that anymore! I have got to get out of this house! I love my mom and I love spending time with her but I feel like I can't breath in this house! Thank God for knitting Mondays and random calls to sub at the daycare!

I think the best cure for all this is some quality time with nature. Just random walks or just sitting on the porch. I need to be outside though. I'm never gonna move forward if I don't leave this house! Curse you computer! I blame you!!!

Song: Can't keep it in : Cat Stevens
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1BDcGkZj-E

Random Anger!! WHOO!

Okay so I was watching tv with my mom and we saw the coco puffs commercial and, like always, we said that the bird was addicted to the coco puffs cause there is crack in them! But then my mom said "At least he gets to eat his cereal.". And that is so true! Unlike some unlucky mascots! Yeah thats right, I'm talking about the trix rabbit! Now, I hate bunnies as much as the next crazy person but that trix rabbit is just about the unluckiest cereal mascot in the world!

Every time he wants something to eat those kids steal it from him and then he has to sit there and watch them eat his food! HIS FACE IS ON THE BOX!! You would think that would allow him to have a little of what is IN the box! >_< It just pisses me off! And then there is the lucky charms guy!! All he wants is to be left alone so he can actually sit for once at a normal table and have a normal breakfast but no, he is always on the run and he is always trying to find new ways to get away from those blasted kids!

Has anyone else noticed that the kids chasing the lucky charms guy are breaking about three diff rent laws! They are disturbing the peace, breaking and entering various places that the leprechaun lives in, and they are stealing without any intentions of giving any of it back! Yet, they are left to roam the streets!

They are all almost as bad as Santa....almost. I hate that jolly fat man.

Song: Goodnight by Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArBiDmGbH4E

(May we all remember the great times of 1976 and 1991 when he tasted a bite of trix)

Mega Ultra Epic Fail

So its Tuesday afternoon...sorta night, around 8:00. As you can view in my previous post that I had a plan for this week. Now I am not the type that just breaks when the smallest thing goes wrong, but man do I hate making plans and then not having them come true!! I hate it! I plan and I plan and then all goes wrong! I was at a point where I wouldn't make plans anymore! But on Sunday I made a plan for the week and even though the week is not over, none of my plans have come true. Some of these not working outs was my fault....but whatever...

Mama says that I need to learn how to roll with the punches but I was just watching iCarly and I realized that I hadn't done anything all day! Nothing! And its Tuesday! Japanese day! T_T and I found the disc that has all my Japanese lessons on it and I didn't touch it.

Man....my gloves are never gonna get done! The knitting day on Monday didn't happen but that was no bodies fault. For all I know, the pregnant lady had her baby. I tried looking up how to finish my gloves online but man, do people know how to sound really snooty and make things overly hard to explain. I just want gloves that I made all by myself! Is that so much?

I should have taken more initiative with the Japanese and I know tomorrow looks bleak but I am gonna try. But seriously today just feels like one big epic fail.

Song: Trouble by Coldplay

ITS MONDAY!!!

I've never in my entire life wanted Monday to come as bad as I do now! I've got my whole week planned out but it all starts with the awesomeness of Monday!! Monday is knitting day!!! YAY!!! I did plan to just knit today and get those blasted fingerless gloves done (even though it is too warm outside to even wear them), but I have to watch the awesome kid next door as well so I think I might be a little late but it will be okay cause there is no new Heroes today! YAY for not having a reason to go home early!

But that's not all for this week! On Tuesday and Thursday I have decided to make those Japanese day. I will begin teaching myself Japanese on a normal regiment now! WHOO!!! watashi wa hontoni shiawase (I'm really happy)!!!

Then Wednesday I "plan" to go take my drivers test. This isn't the first time I've planned this but I hope to go through with it...I was also gonna ask Jodi to quiz me on things to know about driving. But I really think the drivers test will just be common sense stuff...idk...that day I am not so sure on....cause I have to watch Celeste then too....not to excited about that day....

I'm happy, even though Wednesday doesn't sound so solid. I woke up at 9:30 today, which was really hard cause I am so lazy and I almost didn't get up at all. Lately I have been waking up at 12pm and a bit closer to 1pm ^_^ but all is well! Its a new week! I slept well! And thank God....just because!

Song: Didn't it Rain by Yoko Kanno

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-G4hPY6S0s

Oh pumpernickel...

This morning when I woke up at 12:30 pm I woke with clear thoughts. As I walked down the stairs I thought that I would like to have eggs and sausages for breakfast if the dishes were done. Once I reached the kitchen I saw that they sadly were not done and it was not my turn to do them... So I went with my alternative. I was going to have a orange and then follow it with a cereal bar later on. So i did this, I happily sat down with my orange and read two updated chapters of two of my favorite mangas! YAY for good wakings!

Then when I went to go get my cereal bar I was greeted by an empty space by where they used to be. It was terrible how I felt my heart sink! I wanted those cereal bars! I stood there for five minutes just twiddling with my shirt and sighing. I turned around found the empty crudely discarded box of what used to be my wonderful raspberry cereal bars...Mama has forsaken me...I almost cried!

This whole allowing myself to feel my emotions is kicking my butt! All these emotions I'm having without thinking them over! I don't like them and I wish them elsewhere! Pumpernickel....

Song : Cherry-Colored Funk by Charlotte Martin

6:45

Well my sister, who was visiting for her spring break, left this morning at 6:45. She has come and gone before but today was different because she woke me up at five in the morning to help her put all her stuff in the car. When she left and I tried so very hard to go back to sleep I couldn't, and laying in bed with nothing to do is bad for me. Way too much time there for thinking.

Its days like today when my mom is sleep, my cat is lazy, and there is nothing to do on the computer that I really wish I had a car and that I knew how to drive. It would also help for me to not fear driving in the first place.

So here I am, I've been on the computer since 10 am and it is now 3:00. I'm listening to Charlotte Martin and wishing that I could run to a friends house just to have a laugh. Boredom has forced me to write this random blog and it will later force me to draw yet another disturbingly random picture that will cause my family to question many things about me.

I think I will just play the Sims 2 and secretly hate them because I wish it was the Sims 3.

Song: I want it now by Veruca Salt

a few hours later

I just want to scream, hello!

Despite my recent attempts to override my depression with pressed upon acts of kindness and calm tendencies and smiles, all attempts to stop my thoughts from drifting to a darker corner of my brain. Its hard to ignore all of your brain. Like if you have a bad memory, or an uncomfortable memory, that you would rather have locked away for ever and something very simple and small reminds you of that memory and you have a devil of a time pushing it back to that place you had hoped was locked up properly. Then you do nothing but think of that memory because now its on your mind and you subconsciously start to remember more about that unwanted event. Never had that happen to you? That's how my mind works...

At my bible studies, that are one on one just like I like them, my pastor brought up something very important. When you want to rid demon inspired thoughts from your head you have to work till you have made it clear that there is no space for such things in your life at all. I am such a person that enjoys to see progress when I am working on something. I see no progress with my efforts to triumph over my mind. Its like sweeping something under a rug but there is a large lump in the rug that is hard to keep walking around because it keeps growing!

It has only been about three weeks since I have been working at this. I shouldn't expect instant changes. That's what I want, but that's not what I am going to get. I blame the instant gratification of the Internet for my impatience.

I will say something about this new attitude though. Things get done faster, arguments stop sooner, and laughter is killed and created swiftly.

Gyaaah I hate thinking....

Song : Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town by Charlotte Martin

Little note: I drew that ^_^

I Pray For...

Journey to Praying Part 3

I pray for happiness. When ever I get upset and I just fall out my mama always ask me what it is that I want that will make me stop feeling depressed and I always say that I just wanna be happy. It really shouldn't be so hard you know...Then my mama always says that no one can make me happy but me. So that's what I've been working on lately, making me happy.

Recently I have been going around calling my mom "Mama" and it really isn't that big of a change. Mama thinks its funny and Mel doesn't ask about it anymore but just saying it fills me with a bit of my childhood like feeling. When someone is upsetting me I talk in a higher calmer pitched voice and that also fills me with a bit of joy. Little things here and there that I have been doing to make myself happy seem to do the job from time to time but when I do these things I'm not really being me. I've gotten so into the habit of calling mama 'mama' that I don't call her anything else now. I don't wanna stop the little joys but I don't wanna become something that I'm not.

Somewhere along the way when I was asking God for help I forgot to let him follow though with things and I have taken it upon myself to get the job done...and its all coming off as a bit forced in my head. I really don't like it...

It really isn't, nor should it be, so complicated. Once again I have found a way to allow my mind to over think one tiny thing till it is the only thing I think about...Mama said she was gonna make dinner tonight but she went to bed instead...Mel has decided once again to leave the house and run off with friends without saying a word to anyone (as if it would be a bother just to let your family know where you are going to be *rolls eyes*). So I shall just talk to the Internet about my issues once again. Oh wise and powerful computer! What should I do!

Song: Lithium by Evanescence

Little note: YAY 20th post! whooo! and....curse you cloudy dark rainy days! You make me sad...

Home

Ever since I was little I have always said this sentence when ever I was feeling down or I was upset about something and there was no one around to hear me. I would say " I wanna go home." Most of the time when I would say this I would incidentally be at the place most would call home. I eat there, I sleep there, my family is there. But I would always feel like I wasn't home.

Even now at the place I am staying at I feel like it is only temporary and soon we will have to leave and we are currently just visiting. I was wondering about a place that I can call home. Would it be a place where I am living on my own? Would it be a place where I would be with all of my family (including my brothers family and my grandpa in Alabama and my dad's side of the family that I don't even know all that well). Or would it be a place where I would have my own family with a husband and some kids?

I really think the only place I will ever be able to call home will be with God. But man is it hard to find a home in something that you can't even see T_T....I really feel for my cat, he was taken off the street to a pet place thingy and then swooped out of there to my house with three strange people who have moved four times since we got him. He isn't aloud to leave the house, he only knows us and then there are strange people who come and go from the house. Then there is me who he thinks is his mommy and I half way abuse the poor thing with rules I'm sure he doesn't understand but gets in trouble for. But with all that confusion he still loves us and will go where ever we go. If he ever gets outside (by accident (or planned escape)) he always goes with caution and comes running back whenever he gets hurt or scared.

My cat has it easy though, he can see me. -_-

Song: The Traveling song by Will.i.am

Black and White Colored Dream Land

About a week ago I got a new mattress. I was in real need of one because my back had been hurting a lot lately with my old mattress. There were broken springs and stuff poking through the top and it had a terrible dent in the middle. Anyway, I got a new one and it is sooooooo firm!!! Like FIRM firm. I didn't really care if it was firm or soft but because I sleep on my back everyone says I should get a firm mattress.

I believe that because of this new, and now comfortable, mattress I have been sleeping better and sleeping deeper causing a nightly dream to occur! I haven't dreamt in forever! I just don't dream, I don't know why but it doesn't happen that much but after I got this mattress I started dreaming every night and about the strangest things. I don't like it!

Its like my mind is working even while I am sleeping, and thats when my mind is supposed to be resting! I dream about watching movies with my sister, I dream about myself being a character in that show leverage, I dream about dances, I dream about...strange things...

I listen to music every night when trying to go to sleep. The CD Blink by Plump. Its a great bed time CD. Its supposed to be for kids but when has that ever stopped me from doing anything. Anyway these dreams are conflicting widely with my new turn around and following God and whatnot! I know I should just ask for forgiveness but that fills wrong. Like after a while I should just be able to stop and then God will be able to stop hearing me say " I'm sorry" over and over.

Other than that the strangest thing about this dreaming is that its always in black and white. I never dream in color, and I never dream in motion. Its always like pictures, like a slide show. I can't even dream like everyone else... T_T