Hide & Come Find Me

When I was little I had gone to work with my mother, my sister and I got bored. We went through out the building going to other people's offices and taking their candy. One day I got separated from my sister and went into the filing room and hid in-between the shelves, I was really small back then. The whole time I was hiding I was giddy thinking of my mom and sister's face when they would find me. Then time went by, I was getting tired of hiding but I didn't move. My butt hurt and I was starting to get this thought in the back of my head that they weren't even looking for me. I started to think about how they would never find me. 


I felt that way today but on another level. Today I all but ran away from home, once again finding it preferable to run from my problems rather than face them head on. I came home after baby sitting, went to my room and promptly turned around and grabbed my bike and rode away. I didn't know where I was going at first. None of it made any sense. I just kept going till I ended up at my old house. Still having the key it wasn't a problem getting in. So here I am, five hours later still hiding. Wondering if I should go home. I REALLY don't want to go back home right now. And above all I just don't want to be found. 


Back in Maryland when I was younger I would randomly cry to my mother that I wanted to go home. I would cry this when we were in fact at the place one would normally call home. She would always coo at me and say that I was home, I was always so distraught that I would either be moved to tears or a mild state of depression. Right now I find myself wanting to go home but not to the place I should call home. Even in this house that I used to call home, I still want nothing more than to go home. I really wish I knew where home was. 


Emotionally things have been heavy lately...I either need to snap out of it or go into hibernation. I hope that eventually I can just get over what is wrong with me. Whatever it is, I'm quite sure I'm going about it all wrong and it is just making matters worst. 

Song: Sleep don't weep by Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he6x-pMgTKo

Lost & Found

So...today I came home from watching dancing after a long day of watching children and my cat was missing. There are lots of peoples in my house right now so I wasn't too surprised at the notion of one of them opening the door and forgetting to close it and Miko getting out. Once I looked in ALL of Miko's hiding places I kinda just sat down and continued to wrap my hair to go to bed, I just didn't really care.

Mel then encouraged me to go out and find him so I walked around the house shaking his bag of food, calling his name, and looking in dark places with all the enthusiasm of drugged sloth. I just couldn't find it in me to want to find this cat. I concluded that he was gone to go live his life and now I can go live mine and we have parted ways. He was done with my crap and I was CERTAINLY done with his!

I came back inside after another round about the house and went back to wrapping my hair, my oldest nephew came in and told me that my cat was behind the couch the whole time (a place he has recently adopted to escape the children, also a place my youngest niece had checked before I went searching). Mike went trotting into my room and laid on my bed just to mock me with his presence. Then he left again and I was left to think about how this made me feel. 

This is not the first time recently that losing something or something that I love has become something that I simply don't care for anymore. I have lost the passion for certain things in my life that used to bring me great joy. Just as I was typing that I thought maybe I have become more guarded, closing myself off to certain things so I don't feel let down or disappointed or severely hurt after things or people go away or fail me in some way. I guess I have been feeling that way for a while now, closed off to a lot of stuff in my life. Trying not to hurt anymore. 

Its like I just don't have a single cuss to give anymore. 

Song: Every single night by Fiona Apple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzoQolIDlTw

No more Mrs. Chubby Nice Chicka!

I have started something that might be the start of something!!

Yesh, that made....tons of sense. Anyhoo! Since about...my birthday or so I have been trying this thing where I have lowered my portions of food to more or less the recommended amount, I've been encouraging myself to workout more, and I have been trying to drink more water. I have noticed no change in my outward appearance but I am going to keep going!

My workouts include riding my bike to places I need to go to rather than getting a ride if the distance is reasonable, doing zumba in the privacy of my room with my zumba jingle skirt/sash, and taking a walk or two when I can. I like my walks, especially with friends and my sister. I hope to make this a regular thing even if it doesn't result in my losing too much weight. 

 More or less I would rather just be healthy. Its on my list of things to do in order to be happy. That list includes random things like being more honest with church members, no more sweets, stop cussing, spend less time on the computer(check), no more tv/computer shoes after 12 am, stop complaining all the time, smile, accept invitations to go to the gym and or hikes, pray more, start reading the bible again, download more gospel/praise music, Love God/yourself more, eat less meat, buy more lady like clothes, set aside a savings, get drivers license, rely less on others, keep bed room clean, etc.

I need things to change and I hope this can be a good start. Its hard to keep on track when you have family visiting but I think that I have done a good job so far. Pray for me my seldom readers, I want SOMETHING in my life to last. This would be nice. 

Song: Two Shades of Hope by Foy Vance

http://youtu.be/_VrTjLeB1F8

Whiny

I I I I, me me me me, why why why why....

The whininess of a girl indeed...

song: Sorrow by The National

Today has been a trial...A trial indeed.

Float On

Today was a very special day. Along with the wonderful visit of my nieces and nephews for the next month, there came a wonderful visit to the beach. Of course, we go to the beach every summer but this visit was special. Today I learned how to float, float and then float on where ever the current took me and I wasn't afraid. It was the most special thing that I've done since painting for the first time three days ago. Today, I let go. 

Some might be thinking: "Floating? Whats the big deal?" Well, my good hotmen, I will tell you what the big deal is. You see, my sister and I are very analytical people. We analyze everything about ourselves and are sometimes very self aware. A while back, about three years ago I analyzed floating in the very same beach I floated in today. In fact, I analyzed my inability to float and how I correlated it to my relationship to God. Not having faith, not trusting, fearing something I can't see or hear or be warned about. Its all very possible that I over analyzed it but that is how I saw the situation at the end of the day. 

Being able to float today was a small revelation. Just letting the waves move me where they will was amazing, staring up at the sky and seeing it as a big blue cap just made everything around me seem simple and very minute. Of course in the moment of contemplating this new found freedom and clarity my nephew and nieces found it imperative to splash water in my face and or make a loud noise behind me.


Despite the distractions, I felt so calm in the water. The inability to hear, the clear sky above, the weightless feeling, pure clarity. Somehow I found myself singing Florence + the machine's 'what the water gave me'. I kinda really wouldn't frown upon the idea of having a pool when I get older, floating sounds the perfect type of meditation. 

Song: Float On by Modest Mouse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWvh85Qd8us