Plans

What's the best way to make God laugh? Make a plan.

It's hard to make plans when fear of failure is your foundation. I let that fear guide my choices for the last year and a half lately...it hasn't been very helpful at all...So, I graduated from southwestern Michigan college with an associates in Graphic Design. It was great, I figured I had it all made and perfect. Then I needed to get my bachelors degree, simple. I'll just go to the nearest school that has a bachelor for Graphic Design. Andrews University was the best plan to make...at the time. 

Looking back...there isn't actually anything wrong with Andrews University. It is a fine school with high morals and expectations. I just couldn't stand the fact that I had failed. I had to work harder for what I needed to achieve and I couldn't give more than I was trying to give. For some reason, it just wasn't in me. You can never say I didn't try and go to Andrews, I did. I just wasn't achieving what I wanted so I gave up. I gave up to escape the encroaching darkness of failure. I was failing two of the four classes, not getting enough chapel hours, falling behind on the deadlines for projects, and my quality of work was so low beyond the standard that they wanted that it seemed to them like a joke when I presented my work. I left Andrews after one semester. $6300 in debt, angry with myself for being so foolish, completely embarrassed, and without any plan for the future. 

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps. That saying makes no sense. 

So I tried to get up and move on. Find a new college, near by but not as close as Andrews. I move on to IUSB thinking that it would be cheaper than Andrews and that I might have a better time without chapel breathing down my back. But still within me was the weight of fear and the embarrassment of my failure at Andrews. What did I do? I decided that I didn't like the IUSB building, that it felt too much like a law firm. I whined about how they didn't hold my hand through the process and guide me to every little thing that I needed to have done. I gave up before there was even a chance to fail. And because of how weird I am, most people around me simply accepted my rejection of the school for simple reasons. I once denied a child a bath because he wanted a killer whale toy to bathe with. I do strange things...

So now, here I am...This entire year I have done nothing. The craziness at Andrews started in fall of 2011 and ended that December. I spent the rest of the time from then to now baby sitting and moping about. I also spent that time trying to figure out what it really is that I want to do in this life. I still don't know...The support that I was unhealthily dependent upon was hundreds of miles away, my reason for going to school (so I could go to Korea and teach English/eat Korean food/have my way with their men) was coming to the light and it looked not only pathetic but pointless and full of work that I wasn't willing to put forth, and the things that I have interest in (crocheting/knitting/sewing/watching anime) have no value in the real world other than to be a pretty hobby (not a living). 

Once again, I was lost. So I planned to go back to southwestern, to try and get some more art classes. Just to be doing...Something....Turns out that I can't go back and be covered by financial aide if I am trying to go back under the same degree that I already have a degree in. It’s confusing but in the end, I can't go back. I can't go backwards. I don't see a forward. Doldrums. Once again, doldrums. Always.

Plans. I have no plans. I have no direction. I have no idea what I am doing. 

To appease those around me...and so that I don't slip into madness. I am going to either get a job...since I do have a degree. Or go to IUSB and stop denying them simply because they have a really stuffy feeling to them and they won't hold my hand. That is my plan at the moment. It’s not much and I don't even know if it will work but it is my plan. There are so many around me going through worse things than I am, so many who are struggling and would kill to be in my situation. But it is like a thick fog is over me, in the moment I can't even see that as a way to dig myself out. I'm aware of it but it doesn't present itself as an answer or a comfort. It’s simply a fact that I can't hold on to. 

So there it is. That's my place right now. I have...plans...I suppose you can call them that. But they aren't meaning much at the moment. Not a whole lot is. 

Still no new name for the blog....Guess that's cause I haven't stopped whining...It'll come to me. 

Song: I Am by Train

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdPhTw_b1xw

My...whatever...is all screwy...

Do you ever hear seven or eight voices talking in your head at the same time? Some wondering what to do, some putting you down, some recalling old memories and sayings, and some are trying to get you to get your life together. I hear these voices a lot when I am tired, when I am going to bed. I feel a turmoil and a tumbling in my heart..or my head really. It would seem that the heart is just an organ yet we give it so much power. We are to think with it, let it guide us, trust in it, love with it, and use it to pump blood. Busy little fella. 

I guess then that there is turmoil in my head. Or my spirit, or my body. I can't tell. All these voices and thoughts and feelings running about. Its hard to push past them and get down to what I really need to be doing. I need to do so much and I want so much for myself and I just don't see any of it happening. Remembering to take things one day at a time is quite hard to do when the next few days just seem impossible. If I remember correctly, whining is supposed to start disappearing from this little blog of mine. It'll be a process...apparently. 

All the voices, telling me where to go, most of the time contradicting each other. Breathing is weird, a strange tug with every breath. What is this? I should focus on my crafts. I have four dolls to finish and six owl hats to do. That should keep me and my mind busy for a while. Until I lay my head down to sleep. 

Today my sister told me that she feels sorry for me, apparently because I am without direction or purpose and without her ability to simply keep moving on. These are all things I already know I am struggling with, but for some reason...to hear her say that has really rattled me up inside. As if she is looking down on me, like I'm something to pity and throw spare change to. Its so strange how this is troubling me inside. I should sleep. My mind is going a mile a minute. I should sleep. 

Still don't have a new name for my blog...It'll come to me...

 Song: Imaginary by Evanescence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQgfrjMXy_w

Ecclesiastes

I once read that Ecclesiastes isn't for everyone, I agree. 

Of course I would agree to a lot of things, like butterflies aren't for everyone. Nor are whales, white raisins, and bunnies. But Ecclesiastes has changed the way I look at life. It has changed the way I feel about my choices and the things I will and will not bother with. It has made me hopeful and yet completely hopeless in many areas in my life. Maybe I read it wrong, although it is quite straight forward. 

Oh this blog...I want to stop whining all the time. Its all I do, something goes wrong? Whine about it without any intention of getting better and making steps towards a better future. No, stay stagnant and wish for a miracle to fix everything for you. I'm pathetic. This blog is pathetic. I'm so angry with myself and how I've allowed myself to end up. Everything means nothing to me, everything means nothing indeed. What has all this amounted to? So useless, this whining. And where, pray tell, is my ability to change this course I am on? Where is my conviction and guiding force in moving me away from these doldrums of my vapid life? 

Its alright. Its meaningless. 

Every night I stare at the cieling and ask God, "What should I be doing, where am I going, what am I here for" and I fall right asleep. It isn't my battle to fight. Its not my problem. Worrying and prattling about is the biggest insult...I'm so offensive. 

Oh meaninglessness. 

I can only do my best. I can only keep going. Get out of bed each day and try my best to love others and God and...yeah. That's all I can really do. Whining, that's not a part of the big picture. I've got to get rid of that. Time for a new name for this blog of mine. Maybe no more whining....maybe a previously whiny girl. Not a girl anymore...Lady? Lady who previously dabbled in whining? It'll come to me. 

Coming to write this post I felt so angry and empty and tired. Now I feel a bit better, little complacent. Still fearing a stagnant future though. It'll come to me. 

Song: Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qK_RijnIri4

       

Fraud of a Girl

Lately I feel as if I am pushing myself to be something I'm not. I feel as if I'm being nothing but deceitful and fake to everyone I know. It seems insane that people see me as honest and kind and loving. All I can see is how cruel and hateful and how much of a liar I have become. Growth since baptism...ha. I know what this is, this hopelessness, this complete lack of direction...this lack of faith in myself and God. Its not healthy and it stems from despair which only comes from Satan. Why do I let him into my heart with such welcoming arms for him to settle in and crawl into every crevice of my life.
I know what to do to free myself from his grasp but I cling to my old ways because I am lazy and evil at heart. There seems to be no hope for me. I have no root... seed scattered on rocks. 

Love to me is only a means to try and understand God. I can't live like this. 
Responsibility is a welcomed burden only to receive praise.
Emptiness and lack of conviction is my home. So many feel like I do. Why God?
Faith is non-exsistent in my heart. How does one gain faith?
I seek others to fix me even though I know they have their own problems. Is that where my faith lies?
Pride rest in my mediocre talents and my shame. I'm boastful of my own pain as if it is a badge of war. 

Then there is this, my blog wherein I seek attention for my mishaps and misfortunes and small victories. A platform to cry out as a baby cries because it has no other means of communication. Seasonal Affective Disorder must be kicking in... I see how to fix myself and I really just don't feel any want to take the steps towards the brighter path. These thoughts, this hole I nestle into and call home from time to time. They come in waves that crash against my ability to function and feel the things I should feel. Tomorrow might be different, the wave might have passed.
Today the wave was strong, so here I am. Calling out in seek of some release. Hopefully things will be better soon. Winter is coming, this'll be interesting...

Song: Everything means nothing to me by Elliott Smith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dye5BmmEdco