I'm Starving!!!

And not because I have only eaten three bits of food in the last two days, no I am spiritually starved!!! I feel like there is this huge spiritual wall between me and God and knowing me I probably put it there and have just forgotten how to take it down. While my sister is in town visiting I just feel like I can't breathe in my own home anymore. Nothing is as it should be.

I have been booted off my own computer and banished to a corner to knit and listen to "if ye love me" composed by Philip Stopford. My body aches, my head hurts, I'm angry all the time and I am sad all the time. We were supposed to leave today for Maryland to visit my brother and we can't because something about not wanting to drive at night. Sleeping is a hassle because my sister likes to sleep with the heater on volcanic like temperatures and I like to sleep in cold rooms. And by golly if I bother the nice people I live next to by going and sleeping on their floor again I think they will kick me out!

I'd like to believe that all this will go away once I get my spiritual daily bread or my sister goes back to Alabama. Which ever one comes first. If I had my way I would just stay here and they could go live in Maryland for a while. Oh, how many times should I cry out to God before I finally feel him near me again. Why does he feel so far away. From the looks of my blog it seems like I've gone through an emotional roller coaster with God lately. I suppose that would properly explain it. One week I'm real tight with God, next week I don't know where He is at. Is He not a consistent God?...

:sigh: Just pray for me guys. That's all I can ask. I suppose that's all I need.

Song: pavarotti vesti la giubba

God, help your people

The salvation army is a strange, glorious, sad place. Yesterday I went there with my mother and a friend of hers from the independent living place. I believe her name was Sharal. Sharal has been through some stuff in her life, quite a bit of stuff, and is no stranger to the salvation army and its help. Mama has also been a friend of the salvation army and I remember gifts on many a Christmas gifts from them.

But on that day going there and sitting in the lobby facing the room of thirty some people whilst I knit as the people of the room's personal TV I pondered over a few things. Why was that guy using my church as a pick up line? Why has that lady left her child in the back of the room while she is in the front? What is that lady saying in Spanish while she is pointing at my knitting? Why do I keep smiling?!

All the day while we were there at the soup kitchen and the salvation army building I was trailing behind Sharal who is in a wheel chair (for reasons too numerous to list but she can walk a little) carrying her oxygen tank and I wasn't bitter about it. Usually I would have whined all day but no, I just felt good and I couldn't stop smiling and waving at people and being kind. Now this was a somewhat different story today while I was at my interpersonal communications class but that is another blog.

I think I was just really grateful for a chance to witness hardships worse than my own and to be able to help someone out with a pleasant heart (full of sodium from the soup at the soup kitchen (good though)). Right now I just hope that God thelps those people there who seemed just lost and angry at the situation, lashing out at anyone who didn't hand the solution to them.

Song: Familiar Ground by The Cinematic Orchestra

Okay, so yeah...

I've gone back, not that I announced that I left. But let it be known that I had left and now I am back. I wasn't even trying to stop myself from sinning these last few weeks and last night I just raised my hands up and said " God, take me back, I am tired of this." And I almost instanly felt better. I walked out to my mom's car and brought some food in the house and I asked myself, why did I ever try to leave God's side? This freeing feeling, why would I ever want to be without it?

Usually this is the place where I would put: We'll see how long it last this time. But no, I really don't feel that way this time. I just feel like this is natural. I don't wanna be any other way. I'm tired of going back and forth and I just want to stay in the light and not endure the darkness. I'm finding myself nodding while I think that it feels right. And this is not a reassurance to myself. Its just a nice truth that my sinful nature of the past is not use to.

This is not to say that sins will not be included in my future. Hopefully they will be miner in size and not as drastic as the sins I am involved in now. Anyhoo, pray for me and tell me how you stay sane in today's world. ^_^

Song: To build a home by The Cinematic Orchestra
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjjc59FgUpg

Dance like no one is watching, while people are watching

I had a bit of a crazy week if you read the previous post. It isn't even over yet which is the best part. I look forward to the rest of it. Monday I just about lost my mind, drinking some monster drinking and putting on a performance that my mom probably won't even forget. Maybe I should start from the beginning. Mama had asked me to do the dishes since I hadn't done them on Sunday. So I listened to music like I always do when I do the dishes, and also as a routine with my dish washing I sing. Loudly. But on key!

Recently it has been like I rediscovered the awesomeness of Aerosmith and I haven't been able to get enough of them! So whilst washing the dishes I gave a beautiful concert of Aerosmith's cds Nine lives and Just push play. My songs of choice were Fly away from here and hole in my soul and Jaded. Mama made a crucial mistake by giving me the broom to sweep the kitchen. I used it as a mic and I rocked out the kitchen. My body is still sore from all the dancing I did. Not the regular booty shaking (all though I didn't leave that out), I danced around that kitchen every second with high kicks and finger pointing. Dramatic dips and overly expressive faces.

I can tell you that I was terribly hopped up on the blue monster drink which is actually brown. Just got three more tonight. Planning a big concert for tomorrow. Tickets are 50 dollars each. 25 for friends. But seriously, most I have ever entertained myself in along while.

Song: Kiss your past goodbye by Aerosmith
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7jdFPvKUx8

"I like me some him"

Thats just...terrible grammar...I almost couldn't stand to type it. Its from this terrible song by Tony Braxton. Anyway it has nothing to do with this blog. But it is, however, how one of the girls in my interpersonal communications class talks. Maybe she is from benton harbor, they tend to have that broken grammar for absolutely no reason. Speaking of interpersonal communications, something glorious happened today, then something terrible, then something wonderful, then something mediocre, then nothing.

Lets start with the something wonderful, from the beginning of my adventures with college I have hated interpersonal communications. Not because the subject is stupid but because I couldn't stand my class mates. I got to the point where I couldn't stand to sit in the class unless I had my headphones on and I was listening to more than likely, angry music. Which proved to only fuel my anger. But yesterday I prayed about it and I told God that I was the only one troubled in this relationship. Those girls went home every night and slept well and I needed to end this lone suffering so I asked him to give me the opportunity to stop hating them. So at the end of my interpersonal communications class I turned around to the three of them and I told them I was sorry for harboring bad will towards them and that I want to put it behind me. I actually feel better! They were totally confused but they said that its all cool as long as its behind me. I hope that I can talk to them on Friday and hopefully they will ask why it was that I was harboring such feelings towards them and then I can tell them how I hated to hear them tease that poor troll looking lady in the class who is merely overly opinionated and is starving for attention. I can't stand to hear them swearing and I don't know what to do about their constant need to talk about how they go out drinking and doing drugs. I can't change them and that is not my goal. My goal is to let them know that it offends me to hear them say such things, teasing this girl is morally wrong, and that they are so much more than they probably give themselves credit for...

Anywhoo... after that I went to joanns and got a lot of wool and some double pointed needles which I plan on learning how to use. Then I went home and stared at the computer for far too long. Then I went to my intro to design class and I learned that I will have to take sixteen credits of classes in winter. I don't even know where to begin with that. One of those classes is gonna have to be approved by the Dean of education because I will have to take the prerequisite while I am taking the class. Curse my evil math 098 class...that class has not only set me back but has made me waste a whole class. Curse the name of typography!!!! Such a class shouldn't effect every class I will take after the winter semester but it shall...I am gonna be so busy this winter....God protect me from depression...

Oh yeah!!! THEN!! I believe that because I prayed to God about talking to those girls he made it so that I couldn't back out and he broke my mp3 player...its dead now...I almost cried. Today I bought a new one cause my refund came back from the school. I am really happy about that. The rent is payed, we have some food in the kitchen, and I was able to pay to get some gas in the car. ^_^ happy day!

Song: Fix you by Coldplay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skUJ-B6oVDQ

Well...

Yeah...

I think I'm just hungry...I'm just so mad and sad and tired and hungry. I need the sun. Darn it, do you know how hard it is not to put "I" in a sentence when you are talking about yourself?! Taking to the real world isn't proving to be an easy task. Sadly, its becoming more and more apparent to me that humans with opposing ideology are not one of my favorite things. I need to eat something but we have nothing. No more bread, salad, spaghetti...looks like rice and beans...good thing is that I've dropped off a few pounds.
Man, I am just so mad that I could swear!!! I'm lonely and conflicted, I need to eat something...

french toast...fuu...

Song: Tear by Red hot chilli peppers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDydQsnS5Gg

私を神助けなさい

Kayla and Kupono

One of the most beautiful dances in the world. A dance that the wonderful epic couple, Katee and Joshua couldn't do. The beautiful Addiction piece by Mia Micheals, a genius in the form of a small woman of unique proportions. Kayla and Kupono, two contemporary dancers, dance a beautiful painting of beauty and pain of addiction.

See, I use that word beauty...that is why I shouldn't eve watch that dance again. The most gorgeous thing in the world is something that I should avoid at all cost. I call it beautiful cause it allows me to have a physical view of my own addiction. An addiction that God is working on with me but man do I hate the reality of it being a life long struggle.

But when I watch this dance. Oh, when I watch this dance it romanticizes my addiction. Something that should in no way be romanticized or otherwise. That makes it able to be taken lightly, and that my friend is anything but what it is. I've done this before without even knowing.

In the first batman movie the joker says a line that I just love. "Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?" He didn't know what it meant but he always said it before he was about to kill someone. Anyway I took that saying that seemed harmless and I turned it into a painting in my head. A clearing in a forest with the pale moon above and a girl dancing with the devil. She is wearing nothing but iron boots that are heated with coals and they look beautiful, the two of them, but she is in total agony.

My mother said, after I told her about the paint on the way to class a few days, that I was romanticizing an event with the devil. After she said that and I looked it over again it scared me. To romanticize with the devil is a scary terrible thing! This dance allows me to do this so simply with a visual! I romanticize my addiction and it is an addiction that the devil uses for me to sin. And the thought of me romanticizing my addiction just makes me uncomfortable.

But because it is an addiction I do not want to easily stop nor will I. Try as i may and I will pray about it every day and with my hands thrown up I surrender it to God but until the clouds are parted and we hear the horns this shall be a life long struggle.

I plan on taking the dance off of my page in a few days. To make sure that everyone has had a chance to see it in reference to this post. After that I will try to never look at it again. That hideous beauty....All in all...I'll be fine. Just give me time.

addiction |əˈdik sh ən|
noun the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity

Song: Older Chests by Damien Rice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ogVor9uZoo

Happiest Weirdness Ever!!!

These last few weeks have been the...weirdest but greatest ones in a long while. I suppose I will start at the beginning. First I woke up one morning and I was just drowning in sin from the get go. I decided from that moment on that it was going to be a bad week. I previously was told that I was going to be getting a wonderful apple laptop from my Michigan works agent but I was skeptical since nothing I want ever seems to go my way. So I wasn't expecting it for about two weeks or so. Well, God decided to bless me and give it to me a little early and I now have my laptop and I am living out my life long dream of watching tv downstairs with my laptop on my lap while I blog. I can now die a happy girl....maybe...no I need to go to Japan and see a guy who makes me go primal. You know, like when the ape men see a computer and they start jumping up and down and attacking it. I want to do that when I see a guy whilst in Japan.
Then I went to school for a while things settled down. I missed a homework assignment cause I forgot about it. Figured out that I need a planner. I also need to buy some wool and some fabric. I'm totally absorbed in school work and nothing else seems to matter. It totally sucks...What I really want to do is a vague mystery that begins with graduating and ends with heaven. There is, sadly, a lot of space in between those two events. So I sit and wait, hoping for something to happen.
Waiting for something to happen is a triple edge sword with rusted blood on it. On one end, I will be sitting there waiting, and waiting, and waiting. On another side, God has a wonderful sense of humor who will make something happen if you keep asking for it, oh yes something will happen. Will it be what you had wanted to happen? More than likely, no. Then on the last weird side that shouldn't even be there, something terrible could happen. I am really worried about my brother and his family. I keep praying for God to bring them closer to him and that they will be okay but I can't really do much with that. I know prayer is powerful but it really makes me feel helpless.
My happiest weirdest weeks ever, and they aren't over yet. I feel a cloud coming. I hate it and I have named it Jane. She is evil and she is laughing while she is blocking my sun. Lord knows I need the sun.

Song: Let It Be by The Beatles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBPFvp750sc

Post number 50

I was hoping to save this post for when I got my lap top. Since I really love the number five...for reasons that I should forget, I was gonna make this a special post but...man...I..

You know...falling is only fun till you hit the ground. Then you can either lay there or you can get up. Getting up can hurt a lot depending on how far you have fallen from...

I don't know...I need to go pray...and knit or something...

Song: ...you think of one...

Sigh...

I woke up this morning and my drool in the pillow was in the shape of lips, I had a dream about drinking for the first time, and I keep day dreaming about a guy randomly breaking up with his wife for absolutely no reason.

I'm lonely....fuu...

Song : Where are you by Zap Mama
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFAB-K0G6Ho

Couldn't get better

Life is so good, no...God is good. Life is a terrible circle of spiraling sin but God is good.

You know, as I back read my blog I can't help but see a journey that I went through. Its really quite amazing. Like when I was in high school and I would read my journals from when I was in middle school. I was such a nub, I can't help but laugh when I think about how trivial I acted while the world was being provided for me.

I'm feeling so blessed, not because I am getting material things recently but pushing that aside I see a beautiful perspective. I hope, no, I just know that if I pray about it I can carry this warm and fuzzy feeling over to my classes on Monday and the rest of the week. I tend to lose my temper in that class and I forget why I'm there and I hate it basically, but I really don't want that to be my college experience.

So from this week on I want to walk into class with a new perspective. I want to live, love, and let love. Sounds a bit hippieish but that's okay! Hippies are cool, they had the right idea...for the most part. All the free loveins and drugs was a bad idea but everything else was epic.

Song: How it Burned by Chapman
http://apps.facebook.com/ilike/artist/Chapman/track/How+It+Burned

Good Enough

I have faith problems, but I am getting better...I think.

I suppose, back when I didn't have experiences of God, it was hard to accept him but now that I am having day to day divine interventions of God taking care of me...it gets a little heavy...I'm not sure if that's the word I want to use...I don't know...

Life right now...I may run into a few bumps and slips but everything is working out on its own. I really feel like God is taking care of me and that I really don't have to worry. When things get too heavy he makes an escape route for me. I get tired and I feel like quitting but then by the time I feel like breaking its time to go to sleep and its all over till tomorrow. So I feel good...good enough..

The weekend is a haven. Although I have a ton of math homework I should get to...fuu...

Song : uuuh...I'm feeling a bit like Julia by the Beatles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCspJhQ_H5A

I'm on my way...

Sadly...
I DON'T WANNA GO TO COLLEGE!! Gyaah!! >_<

Sigh...I just don't wanna have this huge change go on. Everyone says that college is just the natural next step. I DON'T WANNA!! That and getting my drivers license...goodness...I wish Jodi would just make me get that thing and just get it over with...I hate the thought of driving but I know I have to do it...I know college is the same thing but goodness, college and driving is very different....fuuuu...grrr...I don't know..I suppose all this is hitting me a lot today...like its really going to happen.

I just wanna get baptised and have God come the day before I start school...but alas, I believe I will be getting baptized on the 28th of November. whoot!washin...away...something or another. yay!!! No really, I'm excited. I just..grrr...I blame the Internet for making me want things now and then wanting them done and over with in the middle of everything.

I'm getting off topic...I think I will just gonna go to bed and sleep on everything.

Song : Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDdokE1rAMw

Rainbowkardashian Darling

Rainbowkardashian is a very special pony. Anyone who was a girl and watched my little ponies as a child knows her as Rainbow Dash. I changed her name while playing ponies with the wonderfully creative child named Celeste (also known as pinky pie, her favorite pony). Not that I am a fan of the Kardashians but I do recognize their need for fabulosity and Rainbow Dash is all about fabulosity.

By now you are probably wondering where I am going with this. Well, when indulging my regressive escapism by playing Rainbowkardashian I jump around the room speaking with a british ascent and saying darling five times in a sentence. It always hits me that I hate the very thought of being a grown up. I think my prayer tonight will be to be blessed with the ability to keep my childish ways but still prosper in life with them.

I don't think it is so much of a peter pan complex which I had while I was in middle school and high school. It could very well be the ends of that complex in the progression to maturity against my will. Either way its no fun and I think the next time I watch Celeste, aka Pinky pie, I will play ponies forever!

Now heres a question for you! When was the last time you played dolls? (for any boy that might read this, you know you've played with some type of "action figure" how long ago was that?)

Song : Happy happy joy joy by ren and stimpy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DC-pIvNODU

Pinky pie and Rainbowkardashian

I love my cat

My baby came back to me! After two and a half days of depression he came back to me! It was a wonderful event.

I had been at my friend Jodi's house and I called my mom to ask her to check the door and see if miko had come home and once again the answer was no, but she told me to come home and look around for him since the sun was going down and he might be out. At this point I had almost given up hope and I wanted to just leave miko to be wild. Then something told me to just go home and look for him anyway, and so Cheri, Jodi, my sister and I went back to my place and we started looking around.

We didn't get past my house when Mel spotted two cats across the street, but on the porch of my house I saw something dart off to the corner. Sure enough Miko was in the ally between my house and our neighbor. There was a small hole in the fence between the houses and now we think he has been in their back yard the whole time, since they are men with home construction hobbies there is a lot of junk in their back yard for miko to hide in.

So, I was able to kneel down on the ground and call him to me, he nearly ran away when Jodi Cheri and Mel started to come over but I told them to stay back and Miko was hissing and it was a very shaking process. I got him inside and said some mean words and washed him up later on that night.

He is now before me lapping up as much water as he can. He has been doing that since he got back. I'm so glad he is home and I was happy to hear him running down the stairs to eat when I gave him new food this morning.

God is so good that he would make a cat come to his master with such obedience when this cat rarely ever does that. God took this cats natural want to be an outdoor cat and shut it down so he would walk right to me and allow me to drag him back inside where he will most likely never see the light of day if I have anything to say about it.

My faith has been put on new foundation. Kind of weird that it took losing and finding my cat to have that happen but when it happens it happens I suppose. I am so happy to have my cat back. May I never lose him again.

I would love to say thank you to everyone who prayed for Miko on sabbath. I think I shall do that during family time at church next weekend. I just smile every time I look over and see him there, just sitting there, doing what he does. I hope he knows I will be watching him like a hawk from now on.

Song : I love you by Cranberries

http://www.imeem.com/gamajb/music/OP-pOEiD/the-cranberries-i-love-you/

My Baby

I...I'm a very sad person today. My special baby Miko has gone missing. I don't know how to handle it. I have looked outside. I have rampaged the house. I have asked my neighbors. I am losing hope. He doesn't know this house, he doesn't know this street. My precious baby that I have had for 8 wonderful years is missing and I don't know what to do.

He might have gotten out last night while a traveling bible sales man was praying with me and my sister at the door or later on that night when the door was open in the dark. I hate his curiosity...

This morning he didn't wake me up and when I poured food in his bowl he didn't come running down the stairs. I have checked in the closets, the cabinets, and his favorite place under mom and mel's bed. My heart is heavy and I feel like crying. He is my baby and I wish he wasn't missing. Oh great....now I'm crying...

Song : Who am I to say by Hope

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE_uRaoSMBs

I miss my baby so much.

NI HAO!!!

"Don't think about what you can't do,

think about what you can do!"

I love that little Chinese show! Ni Hao Kai-Lan, its so sweet and all the kids at the day care love it. At first I thought it was a stupid show that came out in the hype of the Olympics in china but like Dora, Diego, and Handy Manny this show teaches you a lot! Today I was watching it with a child I was baby sitting and Kai lan said something really good. "Don't think about what you can't do, think about what you can do." and its so true!

I've always enjoyed watching kids shows cause its just cute and fun but when I watch Kai lan I learn so much! Speaking in Chinese (at a child's level mind you) is almost as fun as talking in Japanese (my Japanese is barely above 5 year old levels....)! The way they say grand pa and thanks and hello are so cute!!

Different languages are so much fun! I wish I could learn them all. I wonder if we will have different languages in heaven...doesn't seem likely....fuuu...

Music : With Reflection by KOKIA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tehrLcmRMwA

(seriously, watch it, wonderful voice)

Waves of doom

Today I had a very spiritual experience. Well..its more like yesterday cause its 2 in the morning but whatever. I went to the beach with my awesome friends and we had a ball of a time! But I figured out something wonderful about us as humans through the nature that God uses so cleverly to teach us with.

When swimming there are a few things you can do about the waves. You can, one, watch the wave come and dive into it so you don't have to wait for it to hit you. But then you still are in the wave and you still feel the full power of the wave from the current below. Or you could, two, try to jump before the wave comes and control the situation but that usually ends in you falling too soon before the wave hits and then you get water up your nose and it burns and you cry inside and gag a little. Then there is the other way, third, you could relax and let the wave carry you and its only like a little bump and you giggle cause you feel like you are floating.

If you are really daring, like Jodi's little sister Kayla is, you can lay back and float on top of all the waves and just relax. Having total trust that you will not go under unless a terribly large wave comes and destroys you!

Try as I may I could not find it in me to just have faith and float for more than two seconds. As soon as I felt a wave coming I tried to touch my feet to the ground but the wave had me too high and I just ended up having water in my nose and blaming those around me for not giving me good advice on how to float. I only got more annoyed because all those around me were finding ways to float and I just couldn't do it! Jonathan was floating using a board and when I tried to do that I couldn't trust the board to hold me and I went under. Then I tried floating the way Kayla was doing it and I still had to try and control the situation by wading my arms and kicking my legs a little while Kayla was totally still. Try as I may I just couldn't do it.

So, in my defeat, I just swam along allowing the waves to carry me and surely enough I was happy but I was getting pretty far out to the deep end. But Kayla did too, but she was floating so she was okay. Anyway I just found all of it interesting after I had a while to think about what had went down. It was a wonderful day and I met the wonderful and talented and funny Todd and Heather. I hope that I can hang out with them in heaven once I learn to just float and not worry about whether I will fall if I don't help God out.

Okay its late, I am just now getting back into a little bit of a sleeping pattern! Yay for sleep!!

Song : Somedays by Regina Spector

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlk2equCBXU

Insomniatic...

Oh...look...the sun is coming up again...

....and so begins day two of no sleep.

Gotta Push On

Today I went out with my sister and our friend Jodi and we went around shopping and what not. We laughed, we sang, we got tired and went home. Somewhere towards the end we went out for food. My sister and Jodi had a healthy sub burrito like thingy, I had arbys.... for the rest of the ride home I was thinking about how much of a bad idea that was.

I knew that I shouldn't have had eaten it and I knew that it would be bad for me but I still ate it. I bit into that mozzarella stick and had the grease splat on my face and I was grossed out and still I ate it. I'm very sad about this because earlier today while getting a gift for my mom with my sister I had eaten some subway and I felt good. Then all I wanted the rest of the day was a cookie, instead I ate arbys... I still haven't had my cookie... I still want my cookie but all I shall have the rest of this night is water.

This whole past month I have done really well with my weight and what I eat and then today I had a big slip up and I am feeling like beating myself up for it. But I won't. I will just vent right now and get it out of my system. uuuuuuhhhhhhggg!!!!! I did so well last month! I lost 14 pounds in a month and I am very proud of that! Then I go and eat an arbys.... grrrr!!! I'm gonna go drink some water. Then tomorrow morning I'm gonna work out a whole bunch! A BUNCH!! I think I will do my workout routine twice just to make it stick!

At least I was able to spend most of the day laughing. yeah....its good to end on a high note.

Song: No Skin Off My A** by Brendon Small

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IA3_0FeNSPk

Rainbows and Spiderspit

Last night while I was laying in bed, with a head ache and a 101.5 fever, from 10:30 till 3:00 am I had a lot of time to think. A lot of time to try and not think, and a lot of time to force myself to think of other things.

I have come to the conclusion that thinking is not good. At least it is not good whilst sick. The human body is a strange thing. I don't know what was going through God's head when he made it but I guess he had the right idea until sin spat up on it.

So while I am under house arrest for being sick, a crime which is punishable by death, I wonder the house with a cover wrapped around me with a stomach full of toast and orange juice. I have loads of time to think about how I feel because that is all people ask me. I have a permanent answer for that question now! I feel unsettled. There. We are gonna take that and we are gonna put a little pin in it. And we are gonna leave it up there until I once again feel settled!

Hopefully I shall be able to go to work tomorrow and I will not have to worry about this unsettledness anymore! Get some good younger toddlers germs in me and get this ball rolling. I'm feeling sleepy again so I am gonna go lay back down with my mama! Cause mama cures all!

Song : Goodnight by Evanescence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArBiDmGbH4E

Will This Day Ever End?!

I don't know why but today is lasting soo long!! It looks so gray and gloomy outside from what I can see, but its only 4:30!

I just want tomorrow to come, and the next day and the next day! I feel like crying and I don't know why. I can't bring myself to knit. Reading sappy manga isn't doing the trick...

This is my whiny blog and I am gonna whine!!! Waaaaaah!!! Mega gonk... God help me...I feel so strange and on edge... Maybe I need a nap...

Song: Sally's Song by Amy Lee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5_ks-dhCtU

Mega Gonk

Like a Plant Growing in Space

That title. That is how I feel right now. I am being taken care of and I am growing but my roots don't know whether to go up or down and I'm growing all funny.

Growing up as the youngest I was always able to see what my brother and sister were doing that was wrong and I always promised myself that I would never ever do said things. Recently I find myself in my sisters shoes from about four years ago. When my sister wanted to move out and get her own place. I love my mom and my sister but I can't live like this anymore!

Not only do the boxes everywhere make it hard to breathe but I don't even have my own room. When my sister is away at college I still have that eye sore of a queen size bed in the sleeping quarters and I just feel like there is nothing of my own in this house. Except for my knitting. No body but me touches that in this house.

I just keep daydreaming about an apartment of my own with me and my lap top and a bean bag chair. Just listening to my Helen Jane Long station on Pandora radio while I knit. Peace and quiet that I rarely have anymore. I hate to feel like that cause it makes me feel like I don't wanna be around my family anymore and I do, just not when they are arguing or eating or breathing my air.

While trying to get strong roots in God it is hard when you keep getting distracted by everything around you that you want to happen or that you need to happen. On one side I got a call from Hardings today and they want to interview me for a job. On the other side we are about $800 behind on the rent. Then there is those Japanese lessons I really wanna take. And there is the laptop I wanna get but might not get because people at assisted living don't know which gardens are theirs and which aren't (long story). Then at home I share space with two other woman who live on separate ends of the lifestyle world and our daily routines keep clashing.

I guess this is what I kept praying for...I kept praying to God about how I wanted stuff to happen. How peaceful the waters have been and how I want to get started on my life. Well now stuff is happening and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like such a child...

Well....I am still growing and my family and I shall pull through this. I'm sure they are still growing with me.

Song: Asleep Beneath the Moon (part two) by John Fluker

http://www.rhapsody.com/john-fluker/the-sound-of-peace

What I Want

With my sister home for the summer and computer time being cut in half, once again I am faced with the fact that I need a laptop.

When sharing the computer with my mama I am always barking at her about how she isn't using the computer right or how she is downloading too much stuff and it will hinder the computer use for the both of us. Sometimes I think she just downloads random games to spite me.

I almost had a laptop once...I was three hundred away from getting it. I would have had that three hundred after my next pay check. Then a multitude of things happened one on top of the other and everyone in my family knew that I was saving up money to buy a laptop and everyone needed money for more important things. I must admit, I have not gotten over this year old event and I am very bitter but I am working on it.

Sometimes I just can't fathome how I gave away $1100.00 to my family so quickly. I can't even remember half of where it went! But anyway...

Now that Mel (my big sister) is home I am forced to cut my computer time so that she can play catchup with the sims. I am trying to turn over this new christain leaf and not get so mad when she doesn't get off the computer when she says she will but all it goes to show is that I have a terrible addiction and that the computer has a death grip on me. Maybe God is trying to show me something....

So if that is the case then maybe a laptop is not the thing that I need. But man oh man do I want it like no bodies business... sigh... 91 days to go...

Song: Over-rated by Alexz Johnson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EnNNAcRXB4

What to do What to do What to do...

I'm sure by now most people have heard about the new x-men movie that is coming out VERY soon...It is a very exciting movie that I want to see very badly...but! I can't go...My sister wants to go with me, I'm sure she would even pay for the ticket...but! I can't go...I am a huge fan of x-men and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Logan and his story and I turn into a giddy little girl every time I see the commercials...but! I can't go...

Why you ask? Why can't I go to the awesome movie? Because I made a choice not to about 72 hours ago...And I have to stick to it. Even though I woke up with a bad dream and reverted back to my old thoughts to feel safe again, even though I played final fantasy XI just because Celeste woke up crying yesterday (even though I said I wouldn't play it ever again), even though I am still very unclear over what I should and shouldn't watch....I still can't go...

Choosing God over the very very fun distractions of the world is hard! Two months ago I would have thrown the bible out the door and ran to the movies with my sister to see Wolverine! I would have gone on a Saturday! I would have been laughing and cussing and drinking soda and talking out the side of my neck the whole way there!

These changes are so alien to me that I sometimes regret even making them. But I know that the end result will be the one I want. So i'll never know how they butcher the last two harry potter books, I will never see another non-Christan movie...I will never play final fantasy again...

and its raining outside....today is a sad day....

Song: Out of my hands by Dave Matthews Band

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDhdPLMa2tM

I'm Changing!! AAAHHH!!!

People say that when you mature your likes and dislikes change. I hate hate hate to admit it but its sadly true. Very sad indeed... Not that I liked all of the stuff that I used to like sooo much, but they were a big part of my life for a very long time and its just weird to see them gone at the drop of a hat. Its kinda sad actually.

And I'm starting to notice more changes, rearing their ugly head into my TV shows! Like, lately I have been trying to be a nicer person. I was raised sarcastically and so I react to most things in that nature. Sometimes it comes off mean so I have been trying to fix that. I notice recently that watching certain shows makes me react in mean ways. Like when I watch American Idol, America's next top model, McDonald's commercials, etc. I really feel like I take two steps back when I watch these shows and I act in a mean spirited way towards people that I don't even know. What really sucks is that I enjoy watching those shows....and commercials...

Hopefully God will show me what to do about this soon cause I have been struggling with getting away from certain things like movies in the Harry Potter area and X-men, Spider man, Hulk, Iron Man, and other movies that seem to be more like distractions rather than things to make you think or go to praise God. And I don't wanna become like one of those people that shuns everyone that isn't kneeling down and praising God every five minutes...like someone I know... But man is it hard to just sever all ties with things that you grew up with...oh boy...

Song : I'm So Sick by Flyleaf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCon0QojjYA

I HEARD THEM!!

You know how you always see on TV, when someone is about to do something bad and they have a little devil and a little angel on their shoulders telling him what to do? I heard mine today!!!

I had gotten up like I normally do, went down stairs and to my surprise my mom was up so I kinda felt like I didn't wanna do my morning workout with her in the room. So I went in the kitchen and got my grapefruit all ready for me to eat it. Then I sat down and my mom was shutting down the Sims and was leaving the room. So I sat there and cut a little piece of my grapefruit open and was about to put it in my mouth when I heard this little conversation in my head.

Angel : You should just put that down and do your work out like you said you were going to

Devil : No, your whole day is thrown off cause your mom wasn't sleeping, just eat and watch Ben 10

Angel: You can just as easily put down the food and just do your work out, its only fifteen minutes

Devil : You already have the grapefruit slice on the spoon, just eat it. It will taste weird if you just let it sit.

Angel : Mean what you say and say what you mean.

Devil : Just eat it!

So I put the grapefruit down in front of the computer and I worked out. Which was a big deal to me cause I felt a lot of turmoil while I was sitting with the grapefruit slice on my spoon, inches from being eaten. I'm glad I worked out though. I feel much better. ^_^

Song : ScatCat by Yoko Kanno

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNUbCKq3bWI

Well Hello Hello

I'm back! After my wonderfully long week fast from my Internet obsession I am back! And woot did a lot happen when you don't spend your days at the computer. Man, do some people know how to spend a day outside of the house! I never knew that people got together so often! And to praise God! Its a beautiful thing.

The fast from the Internet was a success I think. I did it so that I could have some time to just think. Cause when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is turn on the computer and get some breakfast so I can sit at the computer and check my vitals. It wasn't healthy. But you know, yesterday when it ended and I went to snootysims.com to see some updates about the Sims3, I really didn't care that there were five new movies. I just said that I would watch them later when I felt like it. It was strange, not caring about something that I would usually run down the stairs every morning to see.

At least I had some time to think and I haven't made many decisions but I have discovered a few new questions. -sigh- Making choices is hard! But on a good note! I have, I think, gotten a closer relationship with God. Even though I didn't crack open the bible once the whole week, I did spend a lot of time talking with God, discussing different things, people, and events that have happened and that I want to happen. I prayed sooooooooo much for a job! I need a job! Pray for me that I get a job! Not only for Japanese lessons but to pay the rent too! That's right I said Japanese lessons! I FOUND A TEACHER!!!! WHOOOT! He is so nice and I really think that he is my ticket to learning Japanese! Unless God says other wise...then I'm screwed...but in Psalm 37 : 4 it says "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." TEE HEE!! I know a verse! But yeah, I think about that and I remember that God doesn't give me these desires and then leaves them to just fade away. So....yay! ^_^

Song : Everything's Alright from Jesus Christ Superstar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkje4FiH9Qc

Oh boy...

The mind is a strange and mysterious thing...I hate it...

I was so happy tonight, I was laughing and having fun with my friends! I was at bible study and I was enjoying myself, talking to people and being more outgoing than I am physically use to. All and all it was a good night! Gave me some time to think, get some tips on my future and my present. Give me a good feeling while I was leaving too.

The moment I got home my heart sank. I was filled with thoughts of how I am stuck in one place, how I am not moving forward as I wanted to. I want to go to college darn it!! I wanna go now! I know that I can't even move towards going to college yet because I am living here! I am here basically to keep to rent lower, mama says thats not true but it would be an annoying process if she were to watch Celeste and I was to just jump off to college on the berrien bus(which, I don't even think, goes out that far).

See, I watch my landlords daughter so that they don't have to send her to a daycare. Which is all fine and good, I love her and I love that family so much, I would do anything for them! Because I watch her, the rent is lower. But I know... until September when we have to move out, I won't be able to start college cause the days in which I watch Celeste are so irregular and they are from 1pm to 6pm every time.

Anyway, its just the wait till September that is really killing me! I hate waiting....hate hate hate it. But all shall be well! Happiness is just around the corner. Just 119 days till something great happens! Or doesn't happen...if it doesn't happen then there is spirit crushing sadness...and on a sooner note, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow! YAY!....at least I hope.... ^_^ we shall see!

Song: Jai ho by Pussycat Dolls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxeCG9XJ5t0

MILESTONE!! No. 2

I drove...a little. It was snail like and it was so sad but I did it!

Despite Jodi telling Jonathan that it was too dark outside for me to drive, he insisted on me driving out to the end of the drive way. And it was dark, it was around 10:30 or so....and I was stalking their house again....

Anyway! Jonathan was telling me about how to hold down the brakes and only to use one foot and how to put it in gear and how to turn the wheel with both hands and such.. Then he got out the car and I thought it was kidding but I actually drove! I was so scared and so happy! yay! I was so scared that he was gonna make me drive onto the road but he didn't.

I know its small and not a big deal but Its the first time that I actually drove...at 5 miles per hour...down a road and had to turn a little! ^_^ yay for moving forward!

Song: Into the Rush by Aly & AJ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW2rJore_Ew

Operation Life Change GO!!!

Okay so, I have been going through this journy to prayer thing and trying to figure myself out so I can get closer to God and be ready for when Jesus comes. I've tried to take some steps on my own to alter little bits of the person I am so I can still be me and be with God but I keep contradicting myself and the old me keeps getting in the way. To get the big picture, the person I am right now is not a person that is ready to accept God and that is not who I want to be.

SO! I have been going through the stages of making some MAJOR ULTRA UBER EPIC changes in my life and its no off and on thing this time! Now I'm not saying that me as a person is going to be gone, I'm just saying that this attitude I have about everything in life needs to go, cause it isn't helping the big picture to be visible for me.
I have made a small list of things I need to go about changing in my life. And here it is! ^_^

• I need to pray more. Not just before bed, during the day and when I wake up.
• No more lying to myself and making excuses to justify my actions, either its wrong or its not.
• Must stop eating meat so much. I know its bad and I can't keep doing it just because it taste good.
• No more of those mangas. (I know what I'm talking about)
• Care more about your neighbors. Its okay to care about your fellow man if one dies or has something bad happen to them. Just don't go debbie downer over board with it.
• Read your bible more! (>w<) just do it!
• Start moving forward. Exercise, get that drivers license, and get ready for college. No more excuses.
• And stop over thinking everything. Just do it.

These are done in no particular order mind you. I'm going to do this. I'm tired of saying that I'm going to change and then I just give up in a week. Not this time. I am going to do this, come what may.

Song : Innocent Green by Yoko Kanno

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q41gPYrK_3k

Cabin Fever

def : a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, for an extended period. Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, forgetfulness, laughter, and excessive sleeping.

I has that.

On days when I am not working, I never leave the house. I just don't find reasons to, nor do I want to. Recently my neighbor left for vacation from Thursday till today when they returned. The whole time they were gone I was watching their pets. Letting them out to pee and feeding them. But their dog was very needy and she howled whenever I wasn't over there for a long period of time. It got to the point where I had to sleep on their couch and basically live in their house for the last couple of days. I was lucky to break away yesterday and go to work, which was really what I needed for a long time.

I always thought that there was nothing out in the world that I needed or that I couldn't get while staying at home. I can't live like that anymore! I have got to get out of this house! I love my mom and I love spending time with her but I feel like I can't breath in this house! Thank God for knitting Mondays and random calls to sub at the daycare!

I think the best cure for all this is some quality time with nature. Just random walks or just sitting on the porch. I need to be outside though. I'm never gonna move forward if I don't leave this house! Curse you computer! I blame you!!!

Song: Can't keep it in : Cat Stevens
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1BDcGkZj-E

Random Anger!! WHOO!

Okay so I was watching tv with my mom and we saw the coco puffs commercial and, like always, we said that the bird was addicted to the coco puffs cause there is crack in them! But then my mom said "At least he gets to eat his cereal.". And that is so true! Unlike some unlucky mascots! Yeah thats right, I'm talking about the trix rabbit! Now, I hate bunnies as much as the next crazy person but that trix rabbit is just about the unluckiest cereal mascot in the world!

Every time he wants something to eat those kids steal it from him and then he has to sit there and watch them eat his food! HIS FACE IS ON THE BOX!! You would think that would allow him to have a little of what is IN the box! >_< It just pisses me off! And then there is the lucky charms guy!! All he wants is to be left alone so he can actually sit for once at a normal table and have a normal breakfast but no, he is always on the run and he is always trying to find new ways to get away from those blasted kids!

Has anyone else noticed that the kids chasing the lucky charms guy are breaking about three diff rent laws! They are disturbing the peace, breaking and entering various places that the leprechaun lives in, and they are stealing without any intentions of giving any of it back! Yet, they are left to roam the streets!

They are all almost as bad as Santa....almost. I hate that jolly fat man.

Song: Goodnight by Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArBiDmGbH4E

(May we all remember the great times of 1976 and 1991 when he tasted a bite of trix)

Mega Ultra Epic Fail

So its Tuesday afternoon...sorta night, around 8:00. As you can view in my previous post that I had a plan for this week. Now I am not the type that just breaks when the smallest thing goes wrong, but man do I hate making plans and then not having them come true!! I hate it! I plan and I plan and then all goes wrong! I was at a point where I wouldn't make plans anymore! But on Sunday I made a plan for the week and even though the week is not over, none of my plans have come true. Some of these not working outs was my fault....but whatever...

Mama says that I need to learn how to roll with the punches but I was just watching iCarly and I realized that I hadn't done anything all day! Nothing! And its Tuesday! Japanese day! T_T and I found the disc that has all my Japanese lessons on it and I didn't touch it.

Man....my gloves are never gonna get done! The knitting day on Monday didn't happen but that was no bodies fault. For all I know, the pregnant lady had her baby. I tried looking up how to finish my gloves online but man, do people know how to sound really snooty and make things overly hard to explain. I just want gloves that I made all by myself! Is that so much?

I should have taken more initiative with the Japanese and I know tomorrow looks bleak but I am gonna try. But seriously today just feels like one big epic fail.

Song: Trouble by Coldplay

ITS MONDAY!!!

I've never in my entire life wanted Monday to come as bad as I do now! I've got my whole week planned out but it all starts with the awesomeness of Monday!! Monday is knitting day!!! YAY!!! I did plan to just knit today and get those blasted fingerless gloves done (even though it is too warm outside to even wear them), but I have to watch the awesome kid next door as well so I think I might be a little late but it will be okay cause there is no new Heroes today! YAY for not having a reason to go home early!

But that's not all for this week! On Tuesday and Thursday I have decided to make those Japanese day. I will begin teaching myself Japanese on a normal regiment now! WHOO!!! watashi wa hontoni shiawase (I'm really happy)!!!

Then Wednesday I "plan" to go take my drivers test. This isn't the first time I've planned this but I hope to go through with it...I was also gonna ask Jodi to quiz me on things to know about driving. But I really think the drivers test will just be common sense stuff...idk...that day I am not so sure on....cause I have to watch Celeste then too....not to excited about that day....

I'm happy, even though Wednesday doesn't sound so solid. I woke up at 9:30 today, which was really hard cause I am so lazy and I almost didn't get up at all. Lately I have been waking up at 12pm and a bit closer to 1pm ^_^ but all is well! Its a new week! I slept well! And thank God....just because!

Song: Didn't it Rain by Yoko Kanno

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-G4hPY6S0s

Oh pumpernickel...

This morning when I woke up at 12:30 pm I woke with clear thoughts. As I walked down the stairs I thought that I would like to have eggs and sausages for breakfast if the dishes were done. Once I reached the kitchen I saw that they sadly were not done and it was not my turn to do them... So I went with my alternative. I was going to have a orange and then follow it with a cereal bar later on. So i did this, I happily sat down with my orange and read two updated chapters of two of my favorite mangas! YAY for good wakings!

Then when I went to go get my cereal bar I was greeted by an empty space by where they used to be. It was terrible how I felt my heart sink! I wanted those cereal bars! I stood there for five minutes just twiddling with my shirt and sighing. I turned around found the empty crudely discarded box of what used to be my wonderful raspberry cereal bars...Mama has forsaken me...I almost cried!

This whole allowing myself to feel my emotions is kicking my butt! All these emotions I'm having without thinking them over! I don't like them and I wish them elsewhere! Pumpernickel....

Song : Cherry-Colored Funk by Charlotte Martin