Wrap it up

Seeing as it is now 9:27(well it was when I wrote this), the time at which I stare at the wall and wonder aimlessly about my future. A time that some might think doesn't exist in my life due to the lack of general direction and constant amount of flailing that I do. Yet here I am again, pondering. 

 

I can never say how grateful I am just to have a job. Even though its a part time job that I can't live on and things are going to be changing very soon and I will require a more stable and higher paying job, I'm still so grateful. But I can't stay like this. Things are happening in a way that I should have seen coming I suppose and I need to work towards this coming future. Once again I feel pressed for time. 

But what can I do? First, drivers license. Still don't have that...or a car but I think that goes without saying. Limits my working area and the hours I can work....
In the midst of writing this I went and applied for another job. Maybe this one will pan out. Yes I tend to put all my eggs in one basket and cry hysterically when things don't hatch but hey....here we are...

Kinda conflicted....there are things I want to do and there are things I need to do...Not so good at the waiting and I'm definitely not good at controlling myself. Guess its time to put the big girl panties on and just do the things I need to do and put aside the things I want....Time to wrap up my younger years...time to grow up a little...time to save my money and pay off some debts and move forward...time to go back to school and either get certified in something or just get a full time job where I could just work for the rest of my life. 

Time to do something. 

Song: Maybe I'm just tired by As tall as lions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ncXN5LbgTQ 

Y is an ugly letter III

Why Wait?
So it's a few days before Christmas and all the presets are out. It's four in the morning and everyone is asleep but you. What do you do? Do you go and carefully, with the skill of a trained spy, unwrap the presents and peek at what you'll be getting this year? Or do you  count how many presents are yours and shake then to see if they are any good? Or! Are you the type that waits with glee in their bed each night, simply knowing that there is something under that tree for you somewhere. 

I was always the type to shake the present and count how many I would be getting. I would shake and feel and look at all my pretties, but never peek(unless my sister convinced me otherwise). Later on in life I'm finding that I'm a bit of the unwrapping type...in quite a few aspects of my life. Maybe I'm just not good at waiting anymore. I mean, I'm quite impressionable. It never took much prodding from my sister to get me to completely open my presents in the past(presents she would then neglect to help me put back together as expertly as she could). 

Here I am again with a chance to "open a well wrapped present" before its intended time. I'm faced with the question "why wait?" And I must admit it was a struggle to come up with a good reason. Forgiveness provides a lovely out for those who seek it. And yet, fear makes a greater barrier than some morals. 

Temptation, I'm no stranger to its lure, but this is the first time in my life that its taken such energy out of me just trying to fight it off. Opportunity after opportunity pop up and I crawl away from each trial exhausted.  Each time with a little less resolve to fight the next time. 
 
 But like I said, it was hard for me to come up for a reason to wait. However, I did find a reason. 

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." (1 Corinthians 6:18-20 NIV)

Even then I looked at this and tried to find a way around it. Like, look at the things I eat, the things I watch, the things I say. But somehow, this is different. And yes, what you've done in your mind you've done in your heart as well(and my mind has been busy), but still this is different.

It's like one last act, one last part of me I haven't tossed away. Waiting this long then giving it all away...I would be so upset with myself. Like getting within view of the finish line and phoning it in. 

It's somewhat easy to say all this now, while I'm able to think clearly and voice my resolve. But in the moment, when tempted...ugh...I need prayer...

Seriously...need prayer...

Ugh... 

                                 

             

             

 

Song: All These Things That I've Done by The Killers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZTpLvsYYHw

              

              

Lotta feels...   

The big One Zero Zero

It would seem that I have reached my one hundredth post. Because of this momentous occasion, I have decided to talk about something that I think everyone in the world struggles with. 

Consistency

Its needed when we are being raised, its needed when we are learning skills, its needed when we are working, its needed when we are loving others. Without consistency we can send the wrong messages or lose track of what our real goal is. We can start to fall behind and become completely lost because we've traveled far from the beaten path. For some, this might even be a good thing, a new start with which they can start anew and find a new path that fits them better(still a path they will have to be consistent with, but a path none the less). For me...falling away from what I know, it only leaves me in the dark. 

I'm inconsistent with prayer, chores, doing what I know is right, straying from what is wrong, promises, going to church, loving others, doing my crafts, following my goals, knowing what I want, and almost anything else I deem too hard to deal with at the moment. All that inconsistency just leaves me confused, conflicted, and scared. Stagnant for too long and frozen by fear, I let the flow of life guide me from when I wake up to when I go to bed. 

Consistent with my inability to be consistent with what matters. And all that it leads to is a life stuck in a circle with no chance of growth. Stuck. 
I need to move forward. I need to believe that prayer can help this phase pass by. Doldrums again and again in my life and its just no good.

This is my one hundredth post. I've been consistent with this unimportant blog, but what have I really done? Typed up a lot of feelings that haven't done much to reveal an answer to myself. I want nothing more than to do better. The simple answer is to just do better. So simple. 

Eat better, love better, work better, be BETTER. 

This is my one hundredth post. There was once one post, then another. It took a while but I have whined and clawed and laughed my way to a hundred. Such is life...I won't change by tomorrow...I will probably continue to be inconsistent for quite some time. But I will try not to be. One step at a time, one day at a time, one prayer at a time till I get better. 

Song: Serpentine by Chris Bathgate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ra-8Kr79-A

Goodbye to You

Well...its been a good thirteen years. 

I'm scheduling the appointment to have my cat Miko put down. I'm trying to look at the bright side of things or rather the logical side of things with this but its just hard. He's my cat and now I have to have him killed so he can stop suffering. 

As my sister put it, "His reign has come to an end." 

Such a weird concept, putting an animal down. We hardly ever do that with humans. We just make them comfortable till hey die on their own. But with animals we just have a cut off point where they are no longer allowed to be sick. I can't even look at him right now. He is just so sad and limpy.

My cat is going to die. 

I haven't much cried yet. I guess it will really hit me later. Like when we are driving him to the vet or when I'm watching it happen. Maybe it'll hit me when I pay that bill, $150...man...way to help with the grieving process. Just seems like a lot of things are happening right now, wish this wasn't one of them. 
 

Song: Doll by Helen Jane Long

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlrlQbKdQYQ

 

Oh Miko baby, I love you.

Fall is coming

Taking things for what they are, I'm really struggling with this. 

All that time I was running about crying for a job. All that time I go around preaching how happy I am being single. All those times when I told my friends and family that I'm trying to just accept the now. I feel like a failure. Like everything I've done up to this point has meant nothing. As if everything I do from now on is leading me no where. 

The cloud is here. 

A friend of mine told me that when depression hits you have to just accept that its happening. Its raining, there is no sense in saying that you're not getting wet. Even though I can't see an end to the storm I know that some day it will be better. But in the mean time I have to embrace what is happening. I have to flow with the waves till the seas calm. 

Yeah, clouds rain and seas. Ugh...and Linkin Park. 

A kid called me a bitch today. I saw what I could never have in a guy that I barely want to acknowledge. My cat keeps pooping and peeing in closets. Had a fight with my mom, I yelled...a lot. I'm sick of this crap.

I feel so lonely and stagnant. Its like wading through mud. All this is so strange cause I've been getting enough sun light and hanging with friends and trying to be happy. Then the waves come. Whatever. I can't deal with this right now. 

Song: Paranoia by Linkin Park

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hStF1HeXdXA

In the end by Linkin Park

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yw1Tgj9-VU

Should is an ouch word

You should take better care of your hair.

You should manage your time better.

Don't you think you should clean up?

Shouldn't you think about going back to school?

You should spend more time reading the bible.

You don't freaking say. 

I really don't like it when people come at me telling me what they think I should be doing. Especially when I don't even ask. Honestly, if I wanted your advice I'd ask. I'm no stranger to asking for help. 

Really people...do you think that I just don't think I these things? That I'm purposely letting things go to crap without a second though? I'm not asleep in here. I'm just a little preoccupied from time to time. 

I try not to stress or talk about things I can't really handle. It makes me seem really whiny and I'm trying to get away from that. And maybe my priorities are different than yours. Maybe my emotions are just a bit bare at the moment and peoples opinions are really cutting deeper than they should. 

I should probably get tougher skin and not care about what people say. Even though they are people that I care about and their opinion matters to me. Whatever. I'm just not gonna worry about this too much right now. 

Maybe I'm just lonely....see...I told you guys two post back. That valley. It's here. 

Song: I gave you all by Mumford and sons 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyU5OAAOOBE

Now do the pretty girl rock!

I admit it... I've got PGE, Pretty Girl Envy. My sister accused me of this months ago and I was like 'naaaaaaah! I don't like her cause she is mean!' but I was just jealous. 

What brought this blog on? So I was at work and this girl, of course she is beautiful, is getting stuff wrong on the tray line. The guys are all joking with her and laughing off her mistakes. I'm sitting there like... when I made that mistake everyone rolled their eyes at me and had an attitude. She does it and its freaking adorable! Right...okay, whatever.

Just want to clarify, I'm SO NOT fishing. This is just how I felt today at work.  

I mean, I don't want to say its not fair. Personally I hate it when people say that. "Its not fair!" Such a childish thing to say! Honestly, either it happened for you or it didn't. But sometimes it does get to me that I'm not the type of girl guys will see on the street and be all over themselves wondering how they will ask this girl to marry them even before knowing them.

Not that I want that, doesn't seem like the guy really thought that through. I don't even know if I ever want to get married. It just kinda sucks that some people get viewed that way and some don't. To be desired...I mean...its not like it's been six....seven years since a guy has viewed me in that way but whatever.

Honestly, even while writing this I'm already over it. Its not even a big deal. Just had a strong wave of insecurity while at work and now its passed. And yeah, I know, love yourself and whatever after school program saying goes here. Doesn't mean these feelings don't exist, nor can they just be ignored. Also doesn't mean that we treat others differently because of their appearance or status in life. Blah blah blah, love one everyone. 

 

Song: Betty Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPOIS5taqA8

Y is an ugly letter II

Why do we have preferences? 

I know, sounds like a stupid question but hear me out. I was thinking if it was conditioning or if it was just what we are born liking. For example, I really don't like the taste of milk but I never drank it growing up. However, I grew up liking the color orange and now I just think its ugly(unless burnt, then its purty). Then that raises the question, do our preferences change and if so why did we like the first thing at all in the first place(had to type this here, otherwise there would be an orphan and I would just die. Graphic designer issues)? 

Is it a matter of maturing or is it a matter of growing out of stuff. Why would someone grow out of a color. Are humans simply that fickle? Do people grow out of God? I think that would be a bit harder...I don't know. 

So what brought this question on? I was at work and I noticed this guy's butt and I was really confused cause I don't usually notice a guys butt. Its not a big feature for me and I actually prefer strong hands or eyebrows. This guy's butt just really caught my eye and I really just couldn't figure out why this would be a focal point or a preference of mine. 


Well, maybe it's just an appreciation of his butt... I don't know. I'm gonna stop thinking about this. I'm really thinking too hard. 

Song: World's at Large by Modest mouse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E68DYqo2m2M 

]

Two Birds on a Wire

Sometimes my mind goes down strange paths. Sometimes it goes down rather depressing paths. These paths can set the pace for my thought processes for quite some time. 

A few days back I was walking to my friends house and I passed a birds nest on the ground. It was upside down and if anything had been in there it was dead. There had been a storm earlier that morning and it probably hit the birds nest and then that was it. I stood there for a while looking at the birds nest then I walked on and tried not to think of it.

It seemed that the more I tried not to think about it the more it bugged me that these birds had lived, built a nest, had possible eggs, and then without making so much as an indent in life they were dead. Or lets say that they lived, they lost their home and they will have to rebuild and their babies are probably dead. No one will even know, we don't know their names or how this has all effected them. 

What were they for? What did they live for? Without a second thought they made that home and now its gone and they will make another one if they lived. Why make such a creature? Why give them such a life. Then I thought about the humans that roam the earth, some never knowing anything but their life of work and labor and then they are done. Dead without a second thought and no one knows. 

I can feel it, I'm going down that path. The valley is coming and there is little I can do to stop it. Here come the hours of staring at the wall and wondering about the meaning of life rather than going out and living this small existence. Hate it when I get to this point. Even acknowledging doesn't stop it from coming. Gonna have to think on this a bit...or not. I don't know. 

Song: The lightning strike by snow patrol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE6gEbp9vvE

If it makes you happy

Got a late birthday present yesterday. Money can sometimes be tight around the house so its normal to celebrate birthdays randomly throughout the year. Its like a birthday surprise surprise. Anyhoo, my mom gave me a sewing machine yesterday. I had seen the huge bag in the living room earlier but I just dismissed it and kept walking, I had somewhere to be, but when she told me it was mine I just kinda was like "okay whatever". When I saw the sewing machine my reaction should have been a bit like this:

Instead it was a bit like this...

I feel bad cause I really like it and I'm very excited to have it. I just have no idea what to do with it!! Blasted thing intimidates me and...maybe I was just tired, it had been a long afternoon and I had just gotten home from work. Saw it this morning and just kinda glared at it. 

Don't get me wrong, I really wanna learn how to use it and it will probably be something I will sit and work with during my three day break from work. Probably just gonna poke it and cry then try again. New obstacles, I don't handle them well...

Song: Outro by M83

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57mmAdZj8jI

big ant hill

Been feeling down lately. Maybe its just another valley, I get those quite often. Maybe I should just wait it out and not even write this entry. Having a lot of emotions right now. 

I don't want to complain. Things are going fine for the most part. Just a bunch of pot holes in any and every plan I make. I have a job, I have a home, I have my next breath. I think I'm okay. Just need to be okay.

Wish I could see ahead a bit. Know that everything is going to work out. Guess that's where faith comes in. Really wish things had worked out these last few days. Really wish everything had worked out. 

Song: que sera sera by Doris Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc 

Song: Grey Room by Damien Rice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCFlknu2GFQ

I had a dream

For some time now I've been dreaming, something that I hadn't done a while back and I missed it dearly. I had a sweet dream last night. Thought I'd share it. 

My sister and I were in a park. There were people everywhere and beautiful hills of grass and rivers. We were walking around when we heard a familiar voice say "What took you so long?". We turned around and there was Jonathan Burnett holding Hadassah. I ran and hugged them, crying the whole time. Then we see Jodi and Ellie and Jonathan's brother walking over to us. Mel ran over and hugged them and cried as well. Then for some reason I took Hadassah and ran all over the place laughing with her, gave her back to her father then did the same thing with Ellie. 

There was some weird bits where they couldn't see me and Ellie running about cause of some dimensional shift but it fixed it self and we were all able to hang out and be with each other. I was so sad when I woke up. I feel like crying now, just remembering it. Can't wait for heaven, where I will be able to love and hug and laugh and be with everyone I care about. I miss everyone so much. It'll all be okay soon. This life isn't the end. 

Song: Dream by Priscilla Ahn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z2vEwF0f2s 

Dog Chasing a Car

While doing the dishes at work I have a ton of time to think. Something my lovely friends Ben and Viola told me was running through my mind. When people move away, even if you get them back things will almost never go back to the way they were. Everything and everyone has changed in one way or another. I was thinking about my friends that just moved away and I missed my last chance to hang with them this past Wednesday; even though we had only started to hang recently it's still weird knowing that their gone. 

Somehow though...its okay. Maybe because I've closed my self off or because I've come to terms with this town. Either way, I feel okay with this. I feel fine. 

But then I got to thinking, what would happen if I had all those people who moved away back in this town. First there would be the catching up, talking about everything that's happened during the horrible separation. Then comes the 'trying to plan fun things to do' but there is a lack of things to talk about now. Lastly comes the awkward silence where everyone realizes that none of us are the same person anymore. Of course, this is just the worst case scenario that is going through my head. I'm not saying that this happens every time. I'm just a bit scared that it would happen should all my peeps come back to this soul sucking town. 

I still lay up at night imagining the day when all my loved ones will pick out their exotic creature and ride off into the everlasting sun light together, once we get to Heaven. I have chosen the wonderful Lion to ride off with. Or a giraffe...or an elephant...I can't seem to pick one. Might ride on an ostrich...Or an alpacha? Whats the difference between an ostrich and an emu?

Song: Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fWyzwo1xg0

UNICORN!!!! IMMA RIDE A UNICORN!!

Swan Song

This town I live in is quite transitional. People come and go every two years or so, sometimes less, and churches go through a very quick life stage because of this short time frame with one group of humans. Now another summer has come and people are leaving. I've cried a lot in the past when people have left and recently I have just wanted to stay home from church and just say: 

 

 But as much as I would want to not care about these people and just pretend that they are another wind passing through, I get attached to some of them. I kinda have stopped doing that whole 'attaching myself to others' thing lately. Especially after I started to see a trend of people up and leaving. Often I have to remind myself that this isn't how it's supposed to be and that I should let these new people in (and there have been quite a bit of new people). 

But you know...maybe its okay for me just to have my few people that I'm close to. You don't have to be family with every person you meet do you? It's something I've got to think on. Do I keep putting myself through these transitional people or do I find a new permanent church to go to or do I just stick to those who are close to me already. 

I know one thing, I never want to end up like this again when people leave. It just doesn't bode well for when the next group comes. I can only imagine what the new people at church must think of me with my 'no touchie/wibbly wobbly' attitude.

 Song: Treading water by Foy Vance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbbdVo3v9pc