Lately...

Over the last few days, I have been feeling this type of emptiness that I hadn't known before. Maybe it had always been there but I never really paid any attention to it or maybe I was distracted by school and work. But lately since I have been out of school and I'm not currently working, there has just been this unsetteling emptiness about me...

I know it sounds really emo and I hate that but this is my blog and I'm gonna be a whiney kid today...

I've always been one to just sit and think for a while and that might just be the problem...I always end up thinking too much and then I end up scaring myself. But lately, I have been thinking and there is really nothing to think about. All my wants build up to me not really needing or even wanting them in the first place. My needs are supplied to and I have a place to sleep at night.

Maybe I'm just bored...maybe I need something new in my life. Or maybe I have just reached the point where I will be going through the motions for the rest of my life. Living out my part. But to say that is just sad, I'm only 20 and I have barely even started my life really.

All this waiting to start my life is killing me then!! When will it start! I have to wait another year to go to college. All I have to do now is apply for scholarships and grants and then wait some more. Gad dam waiting is gonna drive me up the walls...I hate feeling so...feeling so helpless. Thats the feeling. Helpless, like there is nothing right now that I can do in my life to keep it moving forward. Damn I hate feelig like this! These are the feelings that those little women felt in those fairy tales my mother never let me read. Like that snow white hoe, relying on a man to bring her back to life and to save her at every turn. Being so damn helpless. I never want those feelings and here I am stuck.

Well damn it I won't be waiting for someone to save me!

Stupid head...

The Anger and Agression of being alone

If anyone who is reading this has ever watched So you think you can dance, hopefully you have seen Mia Michaels top 16 group dance number. This was by far possibly the best dance I have ever watched and I have been watching this show since season 2. Sorta missed season 1 but whatever...

But before I saw this dance, I had been listening to Charlotte Martin religiously. She is one of my favorite artist in the world. I say artist because she really does create art with her music. Its not just some payed for writer and her singing words that mean nothing to her. She writes and composes her own music and it comes out beautiful!

The Dance is one of my favorite songs by her. To me it is about a love that apperently wasn't supposed to be. Or a love that was lost. Anyhoo, all she wants is for him to hold her in his arms once more. >_< When I saw the top 16 group dance, I recognized the song from the banging of the sticks on the ground. I was screaming at my mom that that was Charlotte Martin (I tend to force my mom to listen to her music so I have someone to talk to about it). Seeing them dance to that song and then seeing Comfort play the part of a baby who just wants to be held just spoke to me. It was like they were physically doing what I was feeling. Thrashing and fliping and jumping across the stage. All those feelings in side that are born into every human, wanting to be with someone...when they get bottled up...I just wanna throw stuff across the room if someone doesn't hold me in the next five seconds. Then to keep that feeling contianed is another wieght on your heart.

I always end up feeling like I am the only one that is alone. But then reality comes and its kinda sad how many of us are alone and just wanting to be held. Not all of us want to hurt something or someone if we don't feel the skin of another human but damn it I know I do...I pity the man I marry....or I praise him for his patience.

God I feel like screaming...

Go check out the dance. It is beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djsTqP-0CdY

Introduction

This is my first blog so I suppose I should start out by letting you (whoever the fuzzy is reading this ) learn some things about me. I am probably by far the strangest person you will ever meet. That is...if you ever meet me...which you probably won't...anyhoo.

These are a few of my favorite things: Music and Musicals, Art (drawing, looking at art online, computer graphics (photoshop), watching dances), Singing when no one is around, Reading shoujo manga when no one is around, Watching anime, Listening to music by Yoko Kanno (instrumental preferably), Playing with babies (aged from 1-3 preferably, they tend to go crazy after they turn three(used to work in a daycare)), Watching so you think you can dance, Hanging out with my cat Miko, Watching Digitally Remastered things (X-men, The Hulk, Iron Man, Spiderman, Heroes, Fantastic Four, Narnia, etc), and anything Japanese!!

I'm sure there are some other things that I like but I can't remember what they are right at this very moment. Umm...well these things seem to be normal but the fact that I'm the only black girl I know that has an interest in these things and wasn't adopted just makes them seem weird to me.

Hummm...what else...Got done with high school two years ago. That was kinda nice. Don't exactly know what I'm doing now. I was gonna go to college but a large amount of stuff keeps coming up. I was supposed to go to college this month on the 12th but That seems to have gotten screwed up as well...whatever... stuff happens.

What else...My favorite color is red if any one cares. I have an irrational fear of butterflies and moths and killer whales, disgusting creatures. I only like animals the same height of a cat. In fact it is quite possible that I only like cats. All other animals seem to be evil scary jerks of doom! I do like Mouse Lemurs though. Those are cute.

Yeah well that's all I've got. I will probably put up more if I think about it. Or if you ask....who ever "you" is. Yeah so that's that and I will have more whining soon.