Pretty sure it’s a character flaw of mine. Mix in the
sexually charged music I listen to, stories I read, TV shows I watch, and the
slew of married people I tend to hang around showing how much they love each
other… ugh. I have a bad habit of internalizing everything I see.
Billboard of a pretty lady eating an apple quickly turns
into “I’m sure she’s married or has at least dated, I should eat more apples,
and this is why you’re fat”. Couple showing affection to one another quickly
becomes “Look at how much he loves her, she obviously has something you don’t
have, let us point out the ways you’re different from her and will never be
her for the rest of the day”. Cute clothes on a commercial or ad in a magazine
rolls around in my brain like “None of these will look good on you, you’re a
potato, go back to your tee-shirts and jeans”.
My therapist has assigned me with the slightly challenging
task of doing one nice thing for myself everyday since I can’t seem to make my
brain be nice to myself. Moments of silence today where I’m crocheting,
watching a TV show (Younger, cute show, I should not watch it in the mind set
that I had today), and am completely alone with a dog I hate seem to send me
spiraling down a path of internal bitterness.
Perhaps bitter isn’t a good word. I’m not sure what the best
word is. I can feel myself sagging, melting into this pile of why bother and
everything sucks. I’m sure its just the depression but there is another word
for it… It doesn’t matter what the word is I guess, all that matters is that I
don’t like it. Feeling like I’m in the passenger seat to my own emotions,
watching my ability to smile or continue to function like an adult slip away at
the drop of a careless word or a kiss given to a loved one in my presence.
Guess I should lead with happy sometimes, I’m going to
England soon, August actually. I hope that will help my current disposition. I
am happening to go to the gloomiest looking country in the world with rain
every other hour but I’m excited for a change of scenery. I will be around yet
another married couple but I will also venture out into the world, try and see
it one step at a time, lots of pictures to be taken for sure.
Shouldn’t be like this, shouldn’t be so easy for me to fall
apart at the drop of the hat. Even with the prospect of glorious adventure in
my future, I can’t even remember it in my random times of despair. What am I
going to do with myself? I was on meds, but I hated how they made me feel. I’d
be fine during the day and a zombie at night. Hoping to get that fixed very
soon, not looking forward to my doctor’s disappointed face and going back on
meds. Just wish I had some kind of even playing field, like normal people who
can function day to day without wanting to stay in bed and cry over simple
things.
Oh to not be completely ridiculous all the time, that would
be a welcomed change.
Song: Long Long Way by Damien Rice
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5yRKJ-gU48
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