Goodbye to You

Well...its been a good thirteen years. 

I'm scheduling the appointment to have my cat Miko put down. I'm trying to look at the bright side of things or rather the logical side of things with this but its just hard. He's my cat and now I have to have him killed so he can stop suffering. 

As my sister put it, "His reign has come to an end." 

Such a weird concept, putting an animal down. We hardly ever do that with humans. We just make them comfortable till hey die on their own. But with animals we just have a cut off point where they are no longer allowed to be sick. I can't even look at him right now. He is just so sad and limpy.

My cat is going to die. 

I haven't much cried yet. I guess it will really hit me later. Like when we are driving him to the vet or when I'm watching it happen. Maybe it'll hit me when I pay that bill, $150...man...way to help with the grieving process. Just seems like a lot of things are happening right now, wish this wasn't one of them. 
 

Song: Doll by Helen Jane Long

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlrlQbKdQYQ

 

Oh Miko baby, I love you.

Fall is coming

Taking things for what they are, I'm really struggling with this. 

All that time I was running about crying for a job. All that time I go around preaching how happy I am being single. All those times when I told my friends and family that I'm trying to just accept the now. I feel like a failure. Like everything I've done up to this point has meant nothing. As if everything I do from now on is leading me no where. 

The cloud is here. 

A friend of mine told me that when depression hits you have to just accept that its happening. Its raining, there is no sense in saying that you're not getting wet. Even though I can't see an end to the storm I know that some day it will be better. But in the mean time I have to embrace what is happening. I have to flow with the waves till the seas calm. 

Yeah, clouds rain and seas. Ugh...and Linkin Park. 

A kid called me a bitch today. I saw what I could never have in a guy that I barely want to acknowledge. My cat keeps pooping and peeing in closets. Had a fight with my mom, I yelled...a lot. I'm sick of this crap.

I feel so lonely and stagnant. Its like wading through mud. All this is so strange cause I've been getting enough sun light and hanging with friends and trying to be happy. Then the waves come. Whatever. I can't deal with this right now. 

Song: Paranoia by Linkin Park

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hStF1HeXdXA

In the end by Linkin Park

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yw1Tgj9-VU

Should is an ouch word

You should take better care of your hair.

You should manage your time better.

Don't you think you should clean up?

Shouldn't you think about going back to school?

You should spend more time reading the bible.

You don't freaking say. 

I really don't like it when people come at me telling me what they think I should be doing. Especially when I don't even ask. Honestly, if I wanted your advice I'd ask. I'm no stranger to asking for help. 

Really people...do you think that I just don't think I these things? That I'm purposely letting things go to crap without a second though? I'm not asleep in here. I'm just a little preoccupied from time to time. 

I try not to stress or talk about things I can't really handle. It makes me seem really whiny and I'm trying to get away from that. And maybe my priorities are different than yours. Maybe my emotions are just a bit bare at the moment and peoples opinions are really cutting deeper than they should. 

I should probably get tougher skin and not care about what people say. Even though they are people that I care about and their opinion matters to me. Whatever. I'm just not gonna worry about this too much right now. 

Maybe I'm just lonely....see...I told you guys two post back. That valley. It's here. 

Song: I gave you all by Mumford and sons 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyU5OAAOOBE