Okay, so yeah...

I've gone back, not that I announced that I left. But let it be known that I had left and now I am back. I wasn't even trying to stop myself from sinning these last few weeks and last night I just raised my hands up and said " God, take me back, I am tired of this." And I almost instanly felt better. I walked out to my mom's car and brought some food in the house and I asked myself, why did I ever try to leave God's side? This freeing feeling, why would I ever want to be without it?

Usually this is the place where I would put: We'll see how long it last this time. But no, I really don't feel that way this time. I just feel like this is natural. I don't wanna be any other way. I'm tired of going back and forth and I just want to stay in the light and not endure the darkness. I'm finding myself nodding while I think that it feels right. And this is not a reassurance to myself. Its just a nice truth that my sinful nature of the past is not use to.

This is not to say that sins will not be included in my future. Hopefully they will be miner in size and not as drastic as the sins I am involved in now. Anyhoo, pray for me and tell me how you stay sane in today's world. ^_^

Song: To build a home by The Cinematic Orchestra
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjjc59FgUpg

Dance like no one is watching, while people are watching

I had a bit of a crazy week if you read the previous post. It isn't even over yet which is the best part. I look forward to the rest of it. Monday I just about lost my mind, drinking some monster drinking and putting on a performance that my mom probably won't even forget. Maybe I should start from the beginning. Mama had asked me to do the dishes since I hadn't done them on Sunday. So I listened to music like I always do when I do the dishes, and also as a routine with my dish washing I sing. Loudly. But on key!

Recently it has been like I rediscovered the awesomeness of Aerosmith and I haven't been able to get enough of them! So whilst washing the dishes I gave a beautiful concert of Aerosmith's cds Nine lives and Just push play. My songs of choice were Fly away from here and hole in my soul and Jaded. Mama made a crucial mistake by giving me the broom to sweep the kitchen. I used it as a mic and I rocked out the kitchen. My body is still sore from all the dancing I did. Not the regular booty shaking (all though I didn't leave that out), I danced around that kitchen every second with high kicks and finger pointing. Dramatic dips and overly expressive faces.

I can tell you that I was terribly hopped up on the blue monster drink which is actually brown. Just got three more tonight. Planning a big concert for tomorrow. Tickets are 50 dollars each. 25 for friends. But seriously, most I have ever entertained myself in along while.

Song: Kiss your past goodbye by Aerosmith
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7jdFPvKUx8

"I like me some him"

Thats just...terrible grammar...I almost couldn't stand to type it. Its from this terrible song by Tony Braxton. Anyway it has nothing to do with this blog. But it is, however, how one of the girls in my interpersonal communications class talks. Maybe she is from benton harbor, they tend to have that broken grammar for absolutely no reason. Speaking of interpersonal communications, something glorious happened today, then something terrible, then something wonderful, then something mediocre, then nothing.

Lets start with the something wonderful, from the beginning of my adventures with college I have hated interpersonal communications. Not because the subject is stupid but because I couldn't stand my class mates. I got to the point where I couldn't stand to sit in the class unless I had my headphones on and I was listening to more than likely, angry music. Which proved to only fuel my anger. But yesterday I prayed about it and I told God that I was the only one troubled in this relationship. Those girls went home every night and slept well and I needed to end this lone suffering so I asked him to give me the opportunity to stop hating them. So at the end of my interpersonal communications class I turned around to the three of them and I told them I was sorry for harboring bad will towards them and that I want to put it behind me. I actually feel better! They were totally confused but they said that its all cool as long as its behind me. I hope that I can talk to them on Friday and hopefully they will ask why it was that I was harboring such feelings towards them and then I can tell them how I hated to hear them tease that poor troll looking lady in the class who is merely overly opinionated and is starving for attention. I can't stand to hear them swearing and I don't know what to do about their constant need to talk about how they go out drinking and doing drugs. I can't change them and that is not my goal. My goal is to let them know that it offends me to hear them say such things, teasing this girl is morally wrong, and that they are so much more than they probably give themselves credit for...

Anywhoo... after that I went to joanns and got a lot of wool and some double pointed needles which I plan on learning how to use. Then I went home and stared at the computer for far too long. Then I went to my intro to design class and I learned that I will have to take sixteen credits of classes in winter. I don't even know where to begin with that. One of those classes is gonna have to be approved by the Dean of education because I will have to take the prerequisite while I am taking the class. Curse my evil math 098 class...that class has not only set me back but has made me waste a whole class. Curse the name of typography!!!! Such a class shouldn't effect every class I will take after the winter semester but it shall...I am gonna be so busy this winter....God protect me from depression...

Oh yeah!!! THEN!! I believe that because I prayed to God about talking to those girls he made it so that I couldn't back out and he broke my mp3 player...its dead now...I almost cried. Today I bought a new one cause my refund came back from the school. I am really happy about that. The rent is payed, we have some food in the kitchen, and I was able to pay to get some gas in the car. ^_^ happy day!

Song: Fix you by Coldplay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skUJ-B6oVDQ

Well...

Yeah...

I think I'm just hungry...I'm just so mad and sad and tired and hungry. I need the sun. Darn it, do you know how hard it is not to put "I" in a sentence when you are talking about yourself?! Taking to the real world isn't proving to be an easy task. Sadly, its becoming more and more apparent to me that humans with opposing ideology are not one of my favorite things. I need to eat something but we have nothing. No more bread, salad, spaghetti...looks like rice and beans...good thing is that I've dropped off a few pounds.
Man, I am just so mad that I could swear!!! I'm lonely and conflicted, I need to eat something...

french toast...fuu...

Song: Tear by Red hot chilli peppers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDydQsnS5Gg

私を神助けなさい

Kayla and Kupono

One of the most beautiful dances in the world. A dance that the wonderful epic couple, Katee and Joshua couldn't do. The beautiful Addiction piece by Mia Micheals, a genius in the form of a small woman of unique proportions. Kayla and Kupono, two contemporary dancers, dance a beautiful painting of beauty and pain of addiction.

See, I use that word beauty...that is why I shouldn't eve watch that dance again. The most gorgeous thing in the world is something that I should avoid at all cost. I call it beautiful cause it allows me to have a physical view of my own addiction. An addiction that God is working on with me but man do I hate the reality of it being a life long struggle.

But when I watch this dance. Oh, when I watch this dance it romanticizes my addiction. Something that should in no way be romanticized or otherwise. That makes it able to be taken lightly, and that my friend is anything but what it is. I've done this before without even knowing.

In the first batman movie the joker says a line that I just love. "Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?" He didn't know what it meant but he always said it before he was about to kill someone. Anyway I took that saying that seemed harmless and I turned it into a painting in my head. A clearing in a forest with the pale moon above and a girl dancing with the devil. She is wearing nothing but iron boots that are heated with coals and they look beautiful, the two of them, but she is in total agony.

My mother said, after I told her about the paint on the way to class a few days, that I was romanticizing an event with the devil. After she said that and I looked it over again it scared me. To romanticize with the devil is a scary terrible thing! This dance allows me to do this so simply with a visual! I romanticize my addiction and it is an addiction that the devil uses for me to sin. And the thought of me romanticizing my addiction just makes me uncomfortable.

But because it is an addiction I do not want to easily stop nor will I. Try as i may and I will pray about it every day and with my hands thrown up I surrender it to God but until the clouds are parted and we hear the horns this shall be a life long struggle.

I plan on taking the dance off of my page in a few days. To make sure that everyone has had a chance to see it in reference to this post. After that I will try to never look at it again. That hideous beauty....All in all...I'll be fine. Just give me time.

addiction |əˈdik sh ən|
noun the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity

Song: Older Chests by Damien Rice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ogVor9uZoo

Happiest Weirdness Ever!!!

These last few weeks have been the...weirdest but greatest ones in a long while. I suppose I will start at the beginning. First I woke up one morning and I was just drowning in sin from the get go. I decided from that moment on that it was going to be a bad week. I previously was told that I was going to be getting a wonderful apple laptop from my Michigan works agent but I was skeptical since nothing I want ever seems to go my way. So I wasn't expecting it for about two weeks or so. Well, God decided to bless me and give it to me a little early and I now have my laptop and I am living out my life long dream of watching tv downstairs with my laptop on my lap while I blog. I can now die a happy girl....maybe...no I need to go to Japan and see a guy who makes me go primal. You know, like when the ape men see a computer and they start jumping up and down and attacking it. I want to do that when I see a guy whilst in Japan.
Then I went to school for a while things settled down. I missed a homework assignment cause I forgot about it. Figured out that I need a planner. I also need to buy some wool and some fabric. I'm totally absorbed in school work and nothing else seems to matter. It totally sucks...What I really want to do is a vague mystery that begins with graduating and ends with heaven. There is, sadly, a lot of space in between those two events. So I sit and wait, hoping for something to happen.
Waiting for something to happen is a triple edge sword with rusted blood on it. On one end, I will be sitting there waiting, and waiting, and waiting. On another side, God has a wonderful sense of humor who will make something happen if you keep asking for it, oh yes something will happen. Will it be what you had wanted to happen? More than likely, no. Then on the last weird side that shouldn't even be there, something terrible could happen. I am really worried about my brother and his family. I keep praying for God to bring them closer to him and that they will be okay but I can't really do much with that. I know prayer is powerful but it really makes me feel helpless.
My happiest weirdest weeks ever, and they aren't over yet. I feel a cloud coming. I hate it and I have named it Jane. She is evil and she is laughing while she is blocking my sun. Lord knows I need the sun.

Song: Let It Be by The Beatles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBPFvp750sc