Stupid Me...

I am being so stupid right now. I am turtoring myself by reading these sappy girlly girl shoujo mangas and I am listening to songs like all by myself and baby boy. I don't act like this. Maybe it could be connected to my lady time right now (my user friendly term for that terrible lady time of the month). Or it could just be from me be tired of this crap...I read this stuff and I listen to these songs and I look at the people around me and I really can't grasp what it is they are feeling or what compels them to be with another person like they do.

I'm the type of girl that has a hard enough time keeping herself happy, how would I go about making another person happy if I were to be with someone. I think I would run my self ragged just trying to make sure everything is fine and that we aren't on the brink of breaking up because of some minimal thing. You can't read another person's mind so how would you know if you are in a real relationship or if you are being played with. I don't have that type of confidence in others to go that far. To open up that way and allow someone in. That is so dangerous.

I guess they had it right on that movie Funny Girl. People who need people are the luckiest people. People like that will know things that I might never understand. Now that I look back at my days in high school, I was not only stupid but it was just curel to myself how I blocked everyone out. How I simply outcast myself. I'm sure I had good intentions, sticking to school and not worrying about boys and such. But I have a feeling deep down that I missed so much. Or m aybe that is just how society tries to make you feel.

These feelings are so not like me! >_<>...I don't need it. But lately I find myself craving it. Simple hugs from the kids at the daycare bring tears to my eyes and I am not the type to cry. Its so stupid! I only get one life, why live it for someone else! Is that selfish? To want to live the only life I have for myself.

Its pathetic for me to think like this now. I'm pretty damn sure that not every one has been matched up with someone at some time in their life by the time they are twenty. I can't be the only one socially ignorant. Not everyone needs such things right? Some choose education and a future without the opposite sex. Such a skinship...isn't needed.

Aguas de Marco

A long time ago when I was younger and I had first watched Cowboy bebop (my all time fav anime...well its up there in the top five), I don't know why but I imagined this wonderful house in my head. It wasn't a large house and it wasn't a glamorous house. But it was the most wonderful house I had ever seen...in my head...

It was just a simple one story house. All around it was a beautiful white beach and calm waves. It was always sunny there which for me is strange cause I hate the sun but there it looked beautiful and it wasn't even hot. It is a plain white house on a platform that makes a nice veranda all around the house. All the window shutters are open and there are no bugs to worry about.

When you walk in there is a simple living room set, at tan couch set with red pillows. A book case filled with books of no important topic. A small tv with a crooked antenna on top of what should be the coffee table. A kitchen is diagonal to the right of the front door behind the living room. For some reason the sun always shines brightest there. The kitchen has yellow walls but the cabinets are all white as is the stove, fridge, and table set. There is a white book case behind the table and this is important. It was the first thing I saw when I saw this house in my head. On the book case there is a glass cup filled with stones and a tall sun flower leaning towards the screen door next to it.

In the back there is a hall that has one door on the left and one door on the right. In the door to the left is a bathroom which is decked out with blue. Light blue tiles on the floor and dark blue on the walls. The tub is white but the curtain is blue with fishes on the bottom. The toilet is also white but with blue fuzzy trim on the back and a blue fuzzy floor mat in front of it. The sink is of course cluttered with my tooth brush and tooth paste and eye liner and mouth wash. The medicine cabinet above the sink is undoubtedly empty.

The door across from the bathroom is of course to my room. It is again a simple room. Beige carpet, white walls, white iron bed frame in spiral shapes and light shining in on the white bedding that seems to make the whole room glow. A white dresser to the left of my bed and a table to the right. The table seems to hold the only link to the outside world with a laptop on it and a white fuzzy chair pulled out from previous use.

Out side is nothing more than a little folding chair and a umbrella stand. There is a small end table next to the folding chair with a cup of lemonade on it and a bowl full of panda express's orange chicken.

The orange chicken piece I recently added just a month ago. It was only last month that I began to think of this house again. It had been years since I last thought of it. My mother was making me listen to some of her music, as she tends to do around wednesday or sunday, and she came across this song Aguas de Marco. Once I heard the first few notes I felt like I was back at that house. Staring that that cup with the sun flower in it. Feeling a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a long time.

In my life music has always had this odd way of effecting everything that I do. Its wonderful. I'm so glad I have Aguas de Marco on my mp3 player. It just encourages joy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk8JffDaUOY

Aguas de marco

My Obsession or my Obligation

For a good long while I have been thinking about my future. What I want out of it, how I would like to live my older days, and most of all who I would like to be with. I know I don't know his name or who he is but for a good long while I have known that I want him to be Japanese. Everyone in my family thinks it’s a shot in the dark and that it will never happen because, well let’s face it, what chance does a black girl have with a family oriented Japanese man. Some of which who have probably never seen a black person except for on TV.

Now I'm not saying all Japanese people are like that. I have met so many open minded fun people from Japan. Most of them here at Andrews University, but lately there have been less Japanese people and more Korean people and there is a huge difference. Believe me, I've spent most of my life studying it. But yeah, not all of them are like that, or else I wouldn't keep my head up, I would keep on with this strange obsession I have if I didn't believe there was hope. Even the slightest bit of hope...

But even beyond that I have been thinking about that annoying question. Why? Why do I feel so strongly towards only Japanese men? The one thing I probably can never have. The real in-depth answer is still a little hazy but I think I have a clearer answer than what I had going before... The truth may very well be that I really don't wanna find him, I wanna keep searching but in the end I still don't want to find someone that I have to be honest with, love, work hard with to keep him happy, be naked in front of, and then to go to the extent of letting him have whoo hoo with me?! (whoo hoo is my self friendly way of saying...yeah..cause I just don't like that word, I don’t really like to think about it much...the actual act of doing it...no...)

I've gone my whole life (all twenty years whoo...) without a boyfriend. No first kiss yet, no making out, and no whoo hoo in the back of a car. I have never really gotten close to a guy like that. I have had crush at first sight...I've been head over hills in like with someone...but I really still don't know what love is. And the thought of someone stretching and ripping that little hole of mine open and then slamming against me over and over again is just...I don't like it! No!... >_<

Over the years....since I was in elementary school, and even some time before that, I have invested in this obsession of mine. It truly has become an obsession. I have taken out time to start learning the language. I spend time each day watching their dramas online. I watch their cartoons in their language (subtitles are nice!). All this....just to keep up the never ending façade..

Keeping up the façade has driven me to have to plan out my life in japan. All my life I have been saying that I will someday go there and live there for the rest of my life until I find my japanese husband and have my blackanese baby. >_< >.> I really am starting to think that there isn't gonna be a blackanese baby...I mean, why can't I do my wifely duties with a hug! Whats wrong with hugs?! I mean...okay, yeah, I do think about whoo hoo but I am never in the picture! >_< -sigh-

So yeah...thats how it is...I'm obsessed with japanese men as a way to protect myself from really finding anyone. I'll be pretty much screwed once I do find a japanese guy who will want anything to do with me ^_^;;. But you know...... way deep down I piece of me really can't wait to find one.... I'm getting a little tired of being alone ya know... I'm so contradictory...

...lucky........lucky...

Baby Comforts

I haven't posted in a while... stuff has happened and I'm ready to start posting regularly again... not that anyone is reading them but whatever. Today I feel a type of nostalgia that I haven't felt in a while. I am currently baby sitting and while the child sleeps I am listening to her bed time music and the words are just moving and they sway you to a place that most have not been since they were children.

I guess the songs serve their purpose. They are for children to fall asleep to with the lulling comforts of being rocked back and forth by their mother. then I get to thinking, when was the last time someone rocked me in a rocking chair? When was the last time I was lifted up in the air and told that I was loved. I watch this child with her father and every five seconds he tells her that she is loved. Its so sad to be jealous of a child...

My mother tells me that I must give her a hug everyday and I guess that is her way of saying that she loves me. To think logically about it, no, you are not gonna have someone pick you up in their arms everyday and feel like a baby again. You are supposed to have those good memories as a child to build a solid foundation for when you grow up so you can stand on your own and be of healthy mind and heart.

But I'm sure everyone, every once and a while, still wishes that they could just cast all their little and big cares on their parents and just be held like a baby. Have mommy brush their hair. Have daddy spoil them with their time just to play and watch a movie together, throw a football around. Growing up without a father I missed those parts of my life. I guess these songs just trigger large amounts of nostalgia for things I never had...

Whatever... maybe one day I will be lifted up and told that I am loved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uquo3HIiSs0

ignore the video

Artist: Plumb, Album: Blink, Song: Sleep

Lately...

Over the last few days, I have been feeling this type of emptiness that I hadn't known before. Maybe it had always been there but I never really paid any attention to it or maybe I was distracted by school and work. But lately since I have been out of school and I'm not currently working, there has just been this unsetteling emptiness about me...

I know it sounds really emo and I hate that but this is my blog and I'm gonna be a whiney kid today...

I've always been one to just sit and think for a while and that might just be the problem...I always end up thinking too much and then I end up scaring myself. But lately, I have been thinking and there is really nothing to think about. All my wants build up to me not really needing or even wanting them in the first place. My needs are supplied to and I have a place to sleep at night.

Maybe I'm just bored...maybe I need something new in my life. Or maybe I have just reached the point where I will be going through the motions for the rest of my life. Living out my part. But to say that is just sad, I'm only 20 and I have barely even started my life really.

All this waiting to start my life is killing me then!! When will it start! I have to wait another year to go to college. All I have to do now is apply for scholarships and grants and then wait some more. Gad dam waiting is gonna drive me up the walls...I hate feeling so...feeling so helpless. Thats the feeling. Helpless, like there is nothing right now that I can do in my life to keep it moving forward. Damn I hate feelig like this! These are the feelings that those little women felt in those fairy tales my mother never let me read. Like that snow white hoe, relying on a man to bring her back to life and to save her at every turn. Being so damn helpless. I never want those feelings and here I am stuck.

Well damn it I won't be waiting for someone to save me!

Stupid head...

The Anger and Agression of being alone

If anyone who is reading this has ever watched So you think you can dance, hopefully you have seen Mia Michaels top 16 group dance number. This was by far possibly the best dance I have ever watched and I have been watching this show since season 2. Sorta missed season 1 but whatever...

But before I saw this dance, I had been listening to Charlotte Martin religiously. She is one of my favorite artist in the world. I say artist because she really does create art with her music. Its not just some payed for writer and her singing words that mean nothing to her. She writes and composes her own music and it comes out beautiful!

The Dance is one of my favorite songs by her. To me it is about a love that apperently wasn't supposed to be. Or a love that was lost. Anyhoo, all she wants is for him to hold her in his arms once more. >_< When I saw the top 16 group dance, I recognized the song from the banging of the sticks on the ground. I was screaming at my mom that that was Charlotte Martin (I tend to force my mom to listen to her music so I have someone to talk to about it). Seeing them dance to that song and then seeing Comfort play the part of a baby who just wants to be held just spoke to me. It was like they were physically doing what I was feeling. Thrashing and fliping and jumping across the stage. All those feelings in side that are born into every human, wanting to be with someone...when they get bottled up...I just wanna throw stuff across the room if someone doesn't hold me in the next five seconds. Then to keep that feeling contianed is another wieght on your heart.

I always end up feeling like I am the only one that is alone. But then reality comes and its kinda sad how many of us are alone and just wanting to be held. Not all of us want to hurt something or someone if we don't feel the skin of another human but damn it I know I do...I pity the man I marry....or I praise him for his patience.

God I feel like screaming...

Go check out the dance. It is beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djsTqP-0CdY

Introduction

This is my first blog so I suppose I should start out by letting you (whoever the fuzzy is reading this ) learn some things about me. I am probably by far the strangest person you will ever meet. That is...if you ever meet me...which you probably won't...anyhoo.

These are a few of my favorite things: Music and Musicals, Art (drawing, looking at art online, computer graphics (photoshop), watching dances), Singing when no one is around, Reading shoujo manga when no one is around, Watching anime, Listening to music by Yoko Kanno (instrumental preferably), Playing with babies (aged from 1-3 preferably, they tend to go crazy after they turn three(used to work in a daycare)), Watching so you think you can dance, Hanging out with my cat Miko, Watching Digitally Remastered things (X-men, The Hulk, Iron Man, Spiderman, Heroes, Fantastic Four, Narnia, etc), and anything Japanese!!

I'm sure there are some other things that I like but I can't remember what they are right at this very moment. Umm...well these things seem to be normal but the fact that I'm the only black girl I know that has an interest in these things and wasn't adopted just makes them seem weird to me.

Hummm...what else...Got done with high school two years ago. That was kinda nice. Don't exactly know what I'm doing now. I was gonna go to college but a large amount of stuff keeps coming up. I was supposed to go to college this month on the 12th but That seems to have gotten screwed up as well...whatever... stuff happens.

What else...My favorite color is red if any one cares. I have an irrational fear of butterflies and moths and killer whales, disgusting creatures. I only like animals the same height of a cat. In fact it is quite possible that I only like cats. All other animals seem to be evil scary jerks of doom! I do like Mouse Lemurs though. Those are cute.

Yeah well that's all I've got. I will probably put up more if I think about it. Or if you ask....who ever "you" is. Yeah so that's that and I will have more whining soon.