If it makes you happy

Got a late birthday present yesterday. Money can sometimes be tight around the house so its normal to celebrate birthdays randomly throughout the year. Its like a birthday surprise surprise. Anyhoo, my mom gave me a sewing machine yesterday. I had seen the huge bag in the living room earlier but I just dismissed it and kept walking, I had somewhere to be, but when she told me it was mine I just kinda was like "okay whatever". When I saw the sewing machine my reaction should have been a bit like this:

Instead it was a bit like this...

I feel bad cause I really like it and I'm very excited to have it. I just have no idea what to do with it!! Blasted thing intimidates me and...maybe I was just tired, it had been a long afternoon and I had just gotten home from work. Saw it this morning and just kinda glared at it. 

Don't get me wrong, I really wanna learn how to use it and it will probably be something I will sit and work with during my three day break from work. Probably just gonna poke it and cry then try again. New obstacles, I don't handle them well...

Song: Outro by M83

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57mmAdZj8jI

big ant hill

Been feeling down lately. Maybe its just another valley, I get those quite often. Maybe I should just wait it out and not even write this entry. Having a lot of emotions right now. 

I don't want to complain. Things are going fine for the most part. Just a bunch of pot holes in any and every plan I make. I have a job, I have a home, I have my next breath. I think I'm okay. Just need to be okay.

Wish I could see ahead a bit. Know that everything is going to work out. Guess that's where faith comes in. Really wish things had worked out these last few days. Really wish everything had worked out. 

Song: que sera sera by Doris Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc 

Song: Grey Room by Damien Rice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCFlknu2GFQ

I had a dream

For some time now I've been dreaming, something that I hadn't done a while back and I missed it dearly. I had a sweet dream last night. Thought I'd share it. 

My sister and I were in a park. There were people everywhere and beautiful hills of grass and rivers. We were walking around when we heard a familiar voice say "What took you so long?". We turned around and there was Jonathan Burnett holding Hadassah. I ran and hugged them, crying the whole time. Then we see Jodi and Ellie and Jonathan's brother walking over to us. Mel ran over and hugged them and cried as well. Then for some reason I took Hadassah and ran all over the place laughing with her, gave her back to her father then did the same thing with Ellie. 

There was some weird bits where they couldn't see me and Ellie running about cause of some dimensional shift but it fixed it self and we were all able to hang out and be with each other. I was so sad when I woke up. I feel like crying now, just remembering it. Can't wait for heaven, where I will be able to love and hug and laugh and be with everyone I care about. I miss everyone so much. It'll all be okay soon. This life isn't the end. 

Song: Dream by Priscilla Ahn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z2vEwF0f2s 

Dog Chasing a Car

While doing the dishes at work I have a ton of time to think. Something my lovely friends Ben and Viola told me was running through my mind. When people move away, even if you get them back things will almost never go back to the way they were. Everything and everyone has changed in one way or another. I was thinking about my friends that just moved away and I missed my last chance to hang with them this past Wednesday; even though we had only started to hang recently it's still weird knowing that their gone. 

Somehow though...its okay. Maybe because I've closed my self off or because I've come to terms with this town. Either way, I feel okay with this. I feel fine. 

But then I got to thinking, what would happen if I had all those people who moved away back in this town. First there would be the catching up, talking about everything that's happened during the horrible separation. Then comes the 'trying to plan fun things to do' but there is a lack of things to talk about now. Lastly comes the awkward silence where everyone realizes that none of us are the same person anymore. Of course, this is just the worst case scenario that is going through my head. I'm not saying that this happens every time. I'm just a bit scared that it would happen should all my peeps come back to this soul sucking town. 

I still lay up at night imagining the day when all my loved ones will pick out their exotic creature and ride off into the everlasting sun light together, once we get to Heaven. I have chosen the wonderful Lion to ride off with. Or a giraffe...or an elephant...I can't seem to pick one. Might ride on an ostrich...Or an alpacha? Whats the difference between an ostrich and an emu?

Song: Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fWyzwo1xg0

UNICORN!!!! IMMA RIDE A UNICORN!!

Swan Song

This town I live in is quite transitional. People come and go every two years or so, sometimes less, and churches go through a very quick life stage because of this short time frame with one group of humans. Now another summer has come and people are leaving. I've cried a lot in the past when people have left and recently I have just wanted to stay home from church and just say: 

 

 But as much as I would want to not care about these people and just pretend that they are another wind passing through, I get attached to some of them. I kinda have stopped doing that whole 'attaching myself to others' thing lately. Especially after I started to see a trend of people up and leaving. Often I have to remind myself that this isn't how it's supposed to be and that I should let these new people in (and there have been quite a bit of new people). 

But you know...maybe its okay for me just to have my few people that I'm close to. You don't have to be family with every person you meet do you? It's something I've got to think on. Do I keep putting myself through these transitional people or do I find a new permanent church to go to or do I just stick to those who are close to me already. 

I know one thing, I never want to end up like this again when people leave. It just doesn't bode well for when the next group comes. I can only imagine what the new people at church must think of me with my 'no touchie/wibbly wobbly' attitude.

 Song: Treading water by Foy Vance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbbdVo3v9pc

Y is an ugly letter

So, I was thinking, why do we close our eyes when we pray?

This isn't a new thought for me, I've been wondering it for quite some time. I just would like to hear some feedback from others on why they close their eyes when they pray. Lately, after much thought on the subject I have been keeping my eyes open when I pray and it feels so weird. That ingrained thought process is just so powerful that I feel bad after I have prayed like I've done something wrong.

 I know there are some old ladies who flip a lid when they see people not closing their eyes when someone is praying. Which raises the question as to how they would know that their eyes were open, but I'm not here to put down others. Just asking a question. 

How do you feel about these doctrines? Do you believe that they should be followed to a T or should we really look into them and find the ones that are biblical and throw out the ones that aren't. People get the wrong idea about God when so much of man is put into the church. I don't know...Its something I have to think about. Been on my mind for a while. 

Maybe this is simply another distraction. Oh well! 

So ends another segment of "Y is an ugly letter!". I plan on doing more of these. Just questions that pop up in my head. I hope that those who read will comment and give feed back. That would be cool. 

Song: Gabriel and the Vagabond by Foy Vance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4cjCuUQUwI

(Great song, check it out)