Wow, it's been five years. Holy crap a lot has happened. That's not what this post is about. This issue has been on my mind for a while and I need to get it out or else it might consume me. I have lately been asking a lot of questions of my church friends and family members. They don't necessarily like it but here we are. The question I am faced with is "to fap or not to fap". 
Now to do a bit of catch up, I hadn't figured out accepting my own body until around september of 2019. I didn't figure out completion (a word I'm using as an attempt to be gentle) until around january 2020. This is all very new and sudden to me and confusing. I once asked my friend, "how does one masturbate in the name of the Lord?". That got a loud HA out of her and no real answer or direction. What really has me reeling is the ethical way to go about masturbation and what to have on the mind. Most humans just watch some porn and ride off into that good night having watched some poorly made ten minute video with actors who aren't too pleased to be there. Don't wanna go down that route, has too many hang ups and addictive issues attached. Then there is the issue of thinking of someone else, like a person I know or a celebrity that I have an unhealthy attachment to.
For some reason in the middle of the night a thought came to me. Is fantasizing about another person a form of molestation or rape even if they never find out about it? I mean, people get molested in their sleep and never know about it but it doesn't make it okay. Is it disrespectful or unethical to involve someone in your fantasies without their consent?
Then we are faced with another issue. What are the adolescents, single people, and widowers supposed to do? Is there a way to go about this expression of sexual energy, which is natural because God made us all as sexual beings, that doesn't involve unethical methods? I get it. Humans, we suck, we do what we know we shouldn't do and what we should do we don't do. Things done in secret are often kept there and unspoken. Since several thousand years of doing that doesn't seem to be working, how about we talk about it?The word pudenda means be ashamed. This is what has been taught about our sexual organs for so long. We don't talk about masturbation, we don't talk about premarital sex unless we are trying to get people not to do it, we don't talk about adolescents being naturally sexual beings who need to know what to do with their feelings, we don't talk about where marriage fits in today's world as careers and freedom has become more important than building a family.
I'm going to be an art therapist in a year and a half and I can't keep going down unhealthy paths, it doesn't work for me anymore. I need to move down paths that support my mental health or I will be on suicidal trip number four (no one enjoyed the first three). So, talk to me. Talk to me about these things that we have convinced ourselves not to talk about. Be brave and ask questions. Most of us are still in quarantine, what else do you have going on?
Song: Siren by Joan Shelley
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbhQGAzxDnc
Also, I wanna say that I’m sorry to anyone who was made uncomfortable by this blog, but not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away. Feel free to send me a message and we can talk about how well avoidance is working.
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3 helpful comments:
So you know where I stand, but if I try to channel the truth I see, into a form that attempts to fit into your paradigm, it might go something like this: God loves you. He is more merciful than you can imagine, and he is more loving and caring and empathetic than anyone can imagine. These are traits that embody our understanding of God. If these are true, and he is omnipotent, it means it must be true that God knows our every scenario, every trauma, every memory. He knows them better than we do, because he remembers all perspectives of every scenario. He knows where you are and why you are there. God knows your body better than you do, and wants for you to continue to grow into the best you that you can be. If he is empathetic, it must stand to reason that he wants your existence to be fruitful. If your existence is so filled with pain that you consider ending your life, it would stand to reason that God would want for you to do what you need to do to quell the pain so that you do not struggle so. I believe it possible that God may prefer you not to fap, but if your lack of fapping takes you further from Him and his truth, which is for you to be full of love and hope rather than sadness and despair, then not fapping is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. God sees you. And he mourns your pain with you. He knows what you need and is more sensitive to that than you can imagine. He must also understand that no-one runs before they crawl and does not judge those who crawl when the world they are in has forced them on their knees. Desi, God wants you to be yourself, it is you he loves. I can't tell you if that means you should or shouldn't fap, but I think whatever you choose, you would do better to leave any guilt you perceive to come from God and drop it, because it probably doesn't come from there, because he probably doesn't hold any toward you due to his merciful and understanding nature. Be well my sister. I love you <3
Love you Jer, I remember having a similar conversation with you years ago about guilt. I don't really feel guilt about the situation, I feel a lack of direction. Also, to clarify, I didn't mean that I would become suicidal because I couldn't masturbate. I would become so if I kept practicing unhealthy routes deal with issues. Meaning that I wanted to face the issue head on rather than not talk about it or leave it as a perpetual unknown. I want to trust that God has a way for us to do things that are lovely, true, noble, excellent, pure, and praiseworthy. The ability to express the natural gifts that God gave us; pleasure, joy, wonder, creativity, calm, adoration, etc. I just want us, as a community, to be able to talk about these things and give solutions to problems that the church and neighbors have been too scared to talk about.
Hey Deshiro, I guess I am a bit late. I found out about your blog by watching the Misadventures of FLapjack, they mentioned the Y is an ugly letter, so I searched and found about your blog. Well about your post, sexual desires are common among individuals. God, may be watching you, but you are not afraid of him, no. You are afraid of your peers. You know that if you ever do something that could made them change the view they had on you, it would feel bad. The guilty conscience will follow you, until you actually let them know what you have done. And then, the thought of that will simply carry over. What I am trying to say, is that you should just live. If you want God or your family with you forever watching over you then so be it. Just don't get frustrated about it. Frustration is no good. God could not care less about what you do in life, we'll be judged after one's death anyways. So just do, live not too carelessly. Good luck! and remember that we all are going to make it.
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