My Obsession or my Obligation

For a good long while I have been thinking about my future. What I want out of it, how I would like to live my older days, and most of all who I would like to be with. I know I don't know his name or who he is but for a good long while I have known that I want him to be Japanese. Everyone in my family thinks it’s a shot in the dark and that it will never happen because, well let’s face it, what chance does a black girl have with a family oriented Japanese man. Some of which who have probably never seen a black person except for on TV.

Now I'm not saying all Japanese people are like that. I have met so many open minded fun people from Japan. Most of them here at Andrews University, but lately there have been less Japanese people and more Korean people and there is a huge difference. Believe me, I've spent most of my life studying it. But yeah, not all of them are like that, or else I wouldn't keep my head up, I would keep on with this strange obsession I have if I didn't believe there was hope. Even the slightest bit of hope...

But even beyond that I have been thinking about that annoying question. Why? Why do I feel so strongly towards only Japanese men? The one thing I probably can never have. The real in-depth answer is still a little hazy but I think I have a clearer answer than what I had going before... The truth may very well be that I really don't wanna find him, I wanna keep searching but in the end I still don't want to find someone that I have to be honest with, love, work hard with to keep him happy, be naked in front of, and then to go to the extent of letting him have whoo hoo with me?! (whoo hoo is my self friendly way of saying...yeah..cause I just don't like that word, I don’t really like to think about it much...the actual act of doing it...no...)

I've gone my whole life (all twenty years whoo...) without a boyfriend. No first kiss yet, no making out, and no whoo hoo in the back of a car. I have never really gotten close to a guy like that. I have had crush at first sight...I've been head over hills in like with someone...but I really still don't know what love is. And the thought of someone stretching and ripping that little hole of mine open and then slamming against me over and over again is just...I don't like it! No!... >_<

Over the years....since I was in elementary school, and even some time before that, I have invested in this obsession of mine. It truly has become an obsession. I have taken out time to start learning the language. I spend time each day watching their dramas online. I watch their cartoons in their language (subtitles are nice!). All this....just to keep up the never ending façade..

Keeping up the façade has driven me to have to plan out my life in japan. All my life I have been saying that I will someday go there and live there for the rest of my life until I find my japanese husband and have my blackanese baby. >_< >.> I really am starting to think that there isn't gonna be a blackanese baby...I mean, why can't I do my wifely duties with a hug! Whats wrong with hugs?! I mean...okay, yeah, I do think about whoo hoo but I am never in the picture! >_< -sigh-

So yeah...thats how it is...I'm obsessed with japanese men as a way to protect myself from really finding anyone. I'll be pretty much screwed once I do find a japanese guy who will want anything to do with me ^_^;;. But you know...... way deep down I piece of me really can't wait to find one.... I'm getting a little tired of being alone ya know... I'm so contradictory...

...lucky........lucky...