From Now Till Heaven: The Privilege to Cry

As I have stated in a previous post (about a month ago, sorry about the absences), I am not one to cry. I don't to it very often. My mother often teases me and says I only ever cry once every year or so. I think I would make it out to be every four to seven months. When I confess this little detail of my life to others they are often shocked and they says something along the lines of me needing to let it out more often.

I suppose that is yet another thing about humans that I just don't understand. Do others really cry that often. My landlord says that he cries all the time. I wouldn't say that is weird for a guy because I am not sure what is normal for a girl.

My sister calls me cold as ice. My mother says I am detached from the world. And its not like I don't have sad things happen to me, and it is not as if I don't feel like crying some times. I just never can. I feel a stir of emotions swell inside me but I never act on them. Most of the times I don't trust myself to act on them. In my head I say things like, "You don't really want to cry" or " If you cry now it will only be because you think you are supposed to cry at situations like this, you really could care less."

I've never seen tears as a sign of weakness or that everyone else is fake. It was never like that...The only times I hate the thoughts of tears is when I see it on tv like in movies or such. IF they can fake tears like that, when would they know if they are really crying or if they are acting because they think they are supposed to cry?

I don't know...I guess the only times I've cried was when I was really at a breaking point. This usually occurs around fall or winter. Rarely am I sad during summer or spring due to my S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder *look it up*). I remember one time I was just sitting on the couch thinking of life and what I wanted to do with mine and I just burst into tears screaming that I didn't want to live anymore.

The most time of me crying was last summer...some time in may or so, maybe early june. I was in church and they were talking about jumping off the boat as a metaphor for all the things holding you back in life and into the water so that god can save you or something like that. And at the time I was having enough problems with my faith and such as I still struggle with. Then everyone was standing up when he was asking who was gonna free them selves and someone started singing 'never would have made it' and I don't know what happened. I started screaming crying in the church and everyone was staring and me and they took me in the back and my mom spent an hour talking about how she wants me to be in bible study and how she is excited for my future. I don't see how she can be excited for my future when I'm not. Maybe she sees something I don't.

I can hardly remember what was really causing me to cry inside that day. I suppose that I just couldn't find in myself what everyone else was feeling. What compelled them so strongly to stand together and fall, trusting in god to catch them. I struggle with that so much. I haven't cried since then. Even now I feel sad and I'm sure somewhere deep down I wanna cry but once I examine it, its an empty tear. I hate not trusting myself but that seems to be what it boils down to. I don't trust my own feelings.

Maybe others just flow with their emotions and let it go. That is a privilege that so many have and they don't even know it....I hate winter...