Going forward, coming back

For the past...since last may...geez it has been a year...anyhoo since last year I have been moping around everywhere I go cause I never have enough money, to go to England. I never have enough food, to last me till I go to England. I never have enough work to do, to save up so I can go to England. My life, mind, and money revolved around getting to England. Everything else was a chore and further reminded me that I simply was not in England. Once upon a time that destination was Japan but that was a long time ago and Japan didn't house two...three of the most important people I ever met. At least that is what I thought. 

This morning I had worship for the first time in a VERY long time. I prayed, told God I was going to spend this time with him, which I did. I listened to a hymn, then I listened to psalms 115 and then listened to some more songs about God, which I am still doing. Above all that I wept. I wept and I felt peace. I felt how much I was truly missing that most important person in my life. I love my friends like I will never love any one else but I miss and adore and love and cherish and worship and live for the love and time I spent with God. Crap, crying again. I love the love he has brought into my life, the people he has allowed me to meet. How he has changed me and shown me the errors in my life and how I can change and be better. 

His love was shining through my friends so powerfully and I missed that so much, but looking past them I was missing my savior. I'm not sure how to keep this up, how to stay with him and his peace because I have so much clutter and earthly things that I also cling to. Its not going to be easy but I want what I had back in my life. It won't be the same because, like I said, he has changed me but I still want nothing more right now than to be in his presence like this again. 

I was hesitant to write this blog but then I remembered that I want to share whenever God is in my life and I want to share when I feel his blessing. I hope this is a blessing to someone, I hope someone will read this and spend time with God again maybe after being away for a long time. He is still there, waiting for you to turn to him. It doesn't have to be a long time, what ever you can give, he wants to spend time with you. Just you and God. 

I'm loving God's love right now. That about sums it up. 

Song: Come to Jesus

By: Chris Rice

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1T-VfypD8j4

P.S. Special thanks to my lovely friend who God brought into my life that came by this morning simply to give me a hug. I love my pixie squirrel! 

Top 10!

Top ten things I love to do when feeling empty!

10. Play games on my phone

Watch the hours pass by like minutes and further acknowledge that you are failing to do anything worthwhile with your life.

9. Watch the news

Comment on how everything is pointless and we will all die one day and eat more nutella.

8. Dress up in random stockings and skirts

Feel momentarily pretty in your cute clothes but then acknowledge that you will never in a hundred years wear these cloths outside the house for fear of the powerful jiggle monster that is your body!

7. Put on any random makeup and perfume

And feel completely awkward about it because you never wear make up anyway and it never looks right no matter what and somehow you have managed to smell like you bathed in the perfume when you only just used a dab.

6. Stare aimlessly at the wall from the floor in the futile position

Try to think of nothing and realize once again that your thoughts, along with everything else in your life, are completely out of your control.

5. Read past journal entries

Notice that you were just as screwed up in the past as you are now and be able to note how little growth there really has been in the last few years.

4. Watch hours of dancing

Spend every minute wondering how it would feel to live their life and enjoy the ability to feel and express through motion without your center of gravity completely throwing you off.

3. Stare at craft projects and know that they will never get done

Then pick up the yarn and or fabric then put it back down repeatedly knowing that you won’t get anything done today.

2. Eat Nutella off a spoon *

Then complain about feeling fat and eat another spoon full!

1. Pray randomly and ask God to fix it

Then go right back to rolling in the very depths of depression.

Rinse and repeat!

ENJOY!!

* Nutella is the key to everything, feel free to apply it during all other steps as well!

Song: Where have you been? by Manchester Orchestra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF_F5974B7I

I love you lady!

Shari Byers, i love you, and i love you so much that i wanna cry. You are the awesomest, I received your package today and it just made everything better.

I thought I was having a great day, my classes went okay, still ended up failing a quiz and getting a horrible critique on my project (for the fifth time since I've been at Andrews). My boss even gave me a three hour bonus and it was awesome. Then i checked my financial vue stuff and I thought that some rich benefactor had paid all my stuff cause I only had a balance of $132 left to pay. NO! They only just now finalized me and I still have installments to pay that are beyond what I am capable of making with all the stupid stuff they want me to do on campus.

Once I found out that I was not living a Cinderella moment I just about cried, I had been jumping around praising God, and now I'm back at the level I had been at = way in over my head. But then after the bike ride home, during which I sobbed a lot, I came home and saw the awesome package that Shari sent me! Filled with cookies and chocolates and things I would need for school. It not only made my day but it kept me from flipping out on my Mom, cat, and myself. And to all my other friends who i love, thank you. thank you for listening these last few weeks as I rant and rave and cry and throw fits and hate on Andrews. I can get to be a bit much but you guys have stood by me.

I can't wait till we leave this earth. I can't wait for the day when I can't remember what a computer or tv is. I can't wait to be free of all this craziness. God, I'm a little upset with you right now and I'm not gonna lie about it, I'm a lot upset with you. But I know you will come through somehow. Love you guys, I love my friends.

Song: Every teardrop is a waterfall by Coldplay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Kf_6BWcOOg

Romanic Comedy

Haven't been around here in a while. Still whining though, and I've just found the perfect thing to whine about. Ha ha, you guys probably thought I would have learned to just be happy and not whine anymore, life is good right? hehe...you guys are funny.

So, on with the whining.

I finally figured it out, movies are the longest advertisements/music videos in the world! The whole movie you are introduced to new things like clothes, hair styles, cars, crazy awesome furniture arrangements, hot lookin people, cookie senses of humor, fun new ways of looking at things, romantic gestures that seems completely out of this world, indie and or cool summer pop numbers that you never or always hear, entertainment systems that are out of this world, and the list goes on. All the while you are sitting there mesmerized and completely taken by the whole effed up ordeal.

Then they hit you in the face with music at every scene so you know how to feel every five minutes, they tug at your heart strings to make you emotionally invested with people who aren't real and things that will never happen. All the while you are quietly wishing that it could be you on the back of a hippogryph with some hero-syndrome trouble seeking teenager or it would be you who has a guy set up a mob dance in grand central station to tell you you're the only exception or some isht like that. No no, never gonna happen...unless...

When was the last time you saw a hideous/over weight/completely homely person get the guy/girl in one of these movies? Never? Well dear fuglies and shut ins there is hope. IF you dress/act/look/speak/walk/eat/live like the humans depicted on the screen ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!!! Men will fall at your feet and beg you to marry them and have their children, woman will literally rip their own clothes off for you. You will have sex in a barn and you will totally not be itchy afterwards and there will be no weird smells. Blimps and fireworks and all that other romantic isht will be done in your honor!

Your life will be forever awesome and joy shall be the only thing in your future. Friends and strangers will listen with completely interest at your love stories since they are still homely and haven't gotten on board on how to make their own lives as awesome as yours.

And don't worry about your kids, we have examples for them to follow as well, they will have healthy teenage relationships with vampires and emotionally unstable/almost socially mature teenage boys/girls in no time. Don't have time to watch these instructional movies all the time? Don't worry! Take a gander to the music that is playing today, music videos, and half an hour TV shows. They are easier to turn away from but they still get the message across.

You know what! Eff it! Eff it all! I don't think I'll be watching that many more movies that don't focus completely on explosions and a total lack of romantic interest. I'm so done!...who am I kidding, no one is done with this crap. Its been spoon fed to us since lady and the tramp. So much so that people actually seek out messed up relationships to have that taste of drama, that excitement.

Maybe I'm a bit too cynical because I've managed to "avoid" the whole romance scene. Maybe I'm bitter, that is a big possibility. All I know is that romantic comedies are the devil and I just word vomited a rant about it. Stupid movies...whatever. Whatever.

Song : David Roch - Skin & Bones

I'm Starving!!!

And not because I have only eaten three bits of food in the last two days, no I am spiritually starved!!! I feel like there is this huge spiritual wall between me and God and knowing me I probably put it there and have just forgotten how to take it down. While my sister is in town visiting I just feel like I can't breathe in my own home anymore. Nothing is as it should be.

I have been booted off my own computer and banished to a corner to knit and listen to "if ye love me" composed by Philip Stopford. My body aches, my head hurts, I'm angry all the time and I am sad all the time. We were supposed to leave today for Maryland to visit my brother and we can't because something about not wanting to drive at night. Sleeping is a hassle because my sister likes to sleep with the heater on volcanic like temperatures and I like to sleep in cold rooms. And by golly if I bother the nice people I live next to by going and sleeping on their floor again I think they will kick me out!

I'd like to believe that all this will go away once I get my spiritual daily bread or my sister goes back to Alabama. Which ever one comes first. If I had my way I would just stay here and they could go live in Maryland for a while. Oh, how many times should I cry out to God before I finally feel him near me again. Why does he feel so far away. From the looks of my blog it seems like I've gone through an emotional roller coaster with God lately. I suppose that would properly explain it. One week I'm real tight with God, next week I don't know where He is at. Is He not a consistent God?...

:sigh: Just pray for me guys. That's all I can ask. I suppose that's all I need.

Song: pavarotti vesti la giubba