Fraud of a Girl

Lately I feel as if I am pushing myself to be something I'm not. I feel as if I'm being nothing but deceitful and fake to everyone I know. It seems insane that people see me as honest and kind and loving. All I can see is how cruel and hateful and how much of a liar I have become. Growth since baptism...ha. I know what this is, this hopelessness, this complete lack of direction...this lack of faith in myself and God. Its not healthy and it stems from despair which only comes from Satan. Why do I let him into my heart with such welcoming arms for him to settle in and crawl into every crevice of my life.
I know what to do to free myself from his grasp but I cling to my old ways because I am lazy and evil at heart. There seems to be no hope for me. I have no root... seed scattered on rocks. 

Love to me is only a means to try and understand God. I can't live like this. 
Responsibility is a welcomed burden only to receive praise.
Emptiness and lack of conviction is my home. So many feel like I do. Why God?
Faith is non-exsistent in my heart. How does one gain faith?
I seek others to fix me even though I know they have their own problems. Is that where my faith lies?
Pride rest in my mediocre talents and my shame. I'm boastful of my own pain as if it is a badge of war. 

Then there is this, my blog wherein I seek attention for my mishaps and misfortunes and small victories. A platform to cry out as a baby cries because it has no other means of communication. Seasonal Affective Disorder must be kicking in... I see how to fix myself and I really just don't feel any want to take the steps towards the brighter path. These thoughts, this hole I nestle into and call home from time to time. They come in waves that crash against my ability to function and feel the things I should feel. Tomorrow might be different, the wave might have passed.
Today the wave was strong, so here I am. Calling out in seek of some release. Hopefully things will be better soon. Winter is coming, this'll be interesting...

Song: Everything means nothing to me by Elliott Smith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dye5BmmEdco