Of course I would agree to a lot of things, like butterflies aren't for everyone. Nor are whales, white raisins, and bunnies. But Ecclesiastes has changed the way I look at life. It has changed the way I feel about my choices and the things I will and will not bother with. It has made me hopeful and yet completely hopeless in many areas in my life. Maybe I read it wrong, although it is quite straight forward.
Oh this blog...I want to stop whining all the time. Its all I do, something goes wrong? Whine about it without any intention of getting better and making steps towards a better future. No, stay stagnant and wish for a miracle to fix everything for you. I'm pathetic. This blog is pathetic. I'm so angry with myself and how I've allowed myself to end up. Everything means nothing to me, everything means nothing indeed. What has all this amounted to? So useless, this whining. And where, pray tell, is my ability to change this course I am on? Where is my conviction and guiding force in moving me away from these doldrums of my vapid life?
Its alright. Its meaningless.
Every night I stare at the cieling and ask God, "What should I be doing, where am I going, what am I here for" and I fall right asleep. It isn't my battle to fight. Its not my problem. Worrying and prattling about is the biggest insult...I'm so offensive.
Oh meaninglessness.
I can only do my best. I can only keep going. Get out of bed each day and try my best to love others and God and...yeah. That's all I can really do. Whining, that's not a part of the big picture. I've got to get rid of that. Time for a new name for this blog of mine. Maybe no more whining....maybe a previously whiny girl. Not a girl anymore...Lady? Lady who previously dabbled in whining? It'll come to me.
Coming to write this post I felt so angry and empty and tired. Now I feel a bit better, little complacent. Still fearing a stagnant future though. It'll come to me.
Song: Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qK_RijnIri4
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2 helpful comments:
It's okay, you don't have to be so hard on yourself! It seems you use the blog as a diary, which could be therapeutic, I think. You could use it to just get out all your thoughts and feelings and if you do want to change things, then do what's best for you while you vent out any negativity here. Hope that's helpful in any way!
Wow, never expected a comment. Thank you for your encouragement. Venting is good, yes. I just don't want to wallow in it to much...I tend to do that quite a bit. Hopefully I can find a healthy medium.
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