More so lately I've noticed that when the sun goes down, so does my ability to stay away from completely debilitating depressing thoughts. At first I figured that it was just me winding down for bed or something in the day upset me and I over thought it well into the night, but no. This is something else, somehow my ability to think rationally and climb my way out of my hole is just not there when the sun is gone.
This isn't anything new to my days in winter, seasonal affective disorder is quite common in my town and I don't think this is much separate from it. It has been cloudy the last few days but this is nothing like the lull that SAD puts me in. This is thoughts of cutting all my hair off because its thinning (another thing that is driving me mad), walking out the front door and not looking back (just keep walking and see where I end up), lay in bed and don't get up, scream till I can't scream anymore, tear up everything and refuse to speak again, stare at the wall and contemplate why you'll be alone forever.
It haunts me every night and when I talk to people about feeling sad they tell me to think about all the good things I have, they tell me to just get over it, they say it will some day get better. They're knocking but for some reason I'm just not home. Its stupid really, I have to keep breathing... just keep breathing. I run my hand through my hair and I pull out strands every time, long thin hair.
My friend would tell me to say three nice things about myself at a time like this when I am constantly putting myself down. Right now I have nothing to say. This kind of despair...the kind where my sins, which I have grown to find comfort in, don't even bring me the least bit of relief... I don't know what to do when I get like this. Like everything inside me is falling apart. Just reading this, I sound like a bratty little drama queen who is blowing things out of proportion. I am a sensible women, I am twenty five years old. And even though I have done next to nothing with my life, it'll all be okay. I just have to keep breathing.
Even if all my hair falls out, even if I never get married and I only live my life for my family and friends, even if I never ever get kissed, even if I gain another fifty pounds and have to wear a 4x and my face is covered in scars from pimples I can't seem to leave alone, even if I am stuck doing crafts and random graphic design work for the rest of my life, even if I never leave america, even if I feel this way forever...I still have God.
Why do I always feel a heavy silence after saying that.
Song: Awake my soul by Mumford & Sons
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNxnHU0Uwlk
New name...right. Maybe TBA. Caution, Extreme Emotions! That's a good one.
Posts
0 helpful comments:
Post a Comment