Change

I am a emotional eater, when things go wrong I like to eat something that taste really good. Its an escapism thing, I can focus on the taste rather than the bad things in my life. Of course there is the soul crushing realization that comes after eating an entire cake or bin of cookies that I have just eaten my entire weeks worth of calories over emotions, but the escape at the moment is nice. I am an advocate of escapism, its not healthy but it is how I deal with things. Currently I have found that it is killing me. 

Its funny, even when you know what to do to make yourself happy its still a difficult task to follow through with. Change isn't natural, most change isn't within our power and it takes a great deal of struggles to work through it. Some changes are brought about by environmental changes that force you to change or be destroyed. Some changes are gradual and they will leave you behind if you can't keep up. Some changes are instant and they leave you in a state of shock that takes a while to work through. The process that I see before me, the change that I am going to have to undergo is going to be gradual and a shock to my system and for quite some time it has been environmental. 

They seem like easy steps, the six steps to my recovery to a happy land of joy and peace and bunnies. For me though, these steps will take away the one thing I have relied on for quite some time, which sadly isn't God. My escapism has to go and it is quite the difficult thing for me to accept. Anyway, on to the wonderful six steps!

1. Sleep schedule
     - I use a lack of sleep to help me avoid laying in bed and thinking. So when I hit the pillow I am knocked out. This must go. 
2. Drink water regularly
    - Seems stupid but for some stupid reason water is pretty important and I simply don't drink enough of it. All because two Hs decided to stick to a silly old O. 
3. No more TV/Movies
    - Obvious escape tactics there. Watch a tv show and forget about the world. Then comes the soul crushing realizations that I mentioned earlier that occur once the viewing is over. I just spent how ever long time watching whatever viewing and now I will go to my room and not live out my life even though I just spent so long watching a FICTIONAL character live out theirs with their stupid happy ending. Really must go...
4. No more non-uplifting music
     - I'm melancholy. I gravitate towards sad thought provoking music that makes you want to lay in bed and not get out. I find other music cheap and without creative thought(excluding a select few). But I am also emotionally impressionable by said music. Darn this bleeding heart. 
5. No more Fanfiction
    - Oh my stories. They are my ultimate escape, so much so that I have my own in my head. Stories based on characters and shows that already exist but their plots are at my will or the will of other very talented writers. I use them to put myself to sleep. I dive into them when I'm bored, I write them and use them to entertain my busy mind. They slightly consume me and are very very unhealthy...
6. Consistent conversing with and learning about God
    - Seems like this should be number one, or attached to each step. I suppose it is last because it is the hardest one. My relationship with God is strange, but completely necessary and kinda the only thing keeping me from offing myself. God is omni and I am a fearful human. Makes things hard. 

So there it is, simple steps to a happy life. Sadly I am addicted to these escapisms of mine...among other things...and it makes letting go almost impossible in my hands alone. Its not just letting go of things that are hindering me, its letting go of the bases of some social avenues in my life. Cutting off many conversational topics with many of my friends. It means letting go of things that are greatly apart of the person I have become through many hard times and struggles. It means changing. A painful process that isn't easy no matter what the situation. And I'm selfish and greedy and whiny and kinda really comfortable in this depression that I know so well. But I know its gotta go. This has all gotta go....maybe later. I'm going to bed. 

Song: Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7TrU4_-JTY

Song: Baby Blue Sedan by Modest Mouse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JAzZYxHvEg

Song: Another Door Closes by Jont

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82_Efdp5W8w

So I maybe might possibly could have a name for the blog: Between Now & Heaven

I like it. Gonna sleep on it. Maybe get a new layout...to hold my feels. lol



There is always that question. What would you give up for _______ (insert loved one's name). What are you willing to do to get better. There is always an answer, even if at the end this answer will bring pain. Even if at the end you lose everyone, everything. You still must make a choice. That's what it all boils down to. A choice being made and living with that choice. Are you willing to live with the consequences of your choice. That's all.

That is what it boils down to...

I wish I was a robot. God's little robot.

So much easier. 
I hate hard work...

Song: Thistle & Weeds by Mumford and Sons

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbloXQeuNCc