I pray for happiness. When ever I get upset and I just fall out my mama always ask me what it is that I want that will make me stop feeling depressed and I always say that I just wanna be happy. It really shouldn't be so hard you know...Then my mama always says that no one can make me happy but me. So that's what I've been working on lately, making me happy.
Recently I have been going around calling my mom "Mama" and it really isn't that big of a change. Mama thinks its funny and Mel doesn't ask about it anymore but just saying it fills me with a bit of my childhood like feeling. When someone is upsetting me I talk in a higher calmer pitched voice and that also fills me with a bit of joy. Little things here and there that I have been doing to make myself happy seem to do the job from time to time but when I do these things I'm not really being me. I've gotten so into the habit of calling mama 'mama' that I don't call her anything else now. I don't wanna stop the little joys but I don't wanna become something that I'm not.
Somewhere along the way when I was asking God for help I forgot to let him follow though with things and I have taken it upon myself to get the job done...and its all coming off as a bit forced in my head. I really don't like it...
It really isn't, nor should it be, so complicated. Once again I have found a way to allow my mind to over think one tiny thing till it is the only thing I think about...Mama said she was gonna make dinner tonight but she went to bed instead...Mel has decided once again to leave the house and run off with friends without saying a word to anyone (as if it would be a bother just to let your family know where you are going to be *rolls eyes*). So I shall just talk to the Internet about my issues once again. Oh wise and powerful computer! What should I do!
Song: Lithium by Evanescence
Little note: YAY 20th post! whooo! and....curse you cloudy dark rainy days! You make me sad...
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