Despite my recent attempts to override my depression with pressed upon acts of kindness and calm tendencies and smiles, all attempts to stop my thoughts from drifting to a darker corner of my brain. Its hard to ignore all of your brain. Like if you have a bad memory, or an uncomfortable memory, that you would rather have locked away for ever and something very simple and small reminds you of that memory and you have a devil of a time pushing it back to that place you had hoped was locked up properly. Then you do nothing but think of that memory because now its on your mind and you subconsciously start to remember more about that unwanted event. Never had that happen to you? That's how my mind works...
At my bible studies, that are one on one just like I like them, my pastor brought up something very important. When you want to rid demon inspired thoughts from your head you have to work till you have made it clear that there is no space for such things in your life at all. I am such a person that enjoys to see progress when I am working on something. I see no progress with my efforts to triumph over my mind. Its like sweeping something under a rug but there is a large lump in the rug that is hard to keep walking around because it keeps growing!
It has only been about three weeks since I have been working at this. I shouldn't expect instant changes. That's what I want, but that's not what I am going to get. I blame the instant gratification of the Internet for my impatience.
I will say something about this new attitude though. Things get done faster, arguments stop sooner, and laughter is killed and created swiftly.
Gyaaah I hate thinking....
Song : Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town by Charlotte Martin
Little note: I drew that ^_^
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2 helpful comments:
You know Desi...God will change you. That's part of his job, he is "The God who Sanctifies". We just have to stop thinking about ourselves and focus on him. Try to bring your eyes outward...don't look inside so much; look up and out.
But what do I do with the guilt I feel inside when I look to him knowing what is inside of me?
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